[5/31/2002 4:25:06 AM | Shawn Conn]
What Goes Up...Must Come Down
Like object pulled by gravity that's how I feel when I'm in better of
moods. The more height I become from happines, the worse I'll feel later
when I come back to the ground. That sounds alot like being manic depressive
but I don't know if I really have that. I think I do have some sort of
condition. Well here it is a slow Friday night...Not much shit has been
going on at all. It's been mostly just sitting arounf for me.
The last conversation I had with Alex the other night on instant messanger
was quite depressing. We were talking about want a girl/relationship or
something like that. He asked me if I had someone in mine. I told him
not anymore. We then got into a discussion about what I should be doing
to find women. His suggestion was to go to bars. I've never really care
for that scene. It's sort of fun I guess, but I can't imagine I would
meet someone there like that. I don't have much of a presence in large
social places. My voice just doesn't cary that well, so apathetic sounding,
nd I find it hard to hold a conversation with someone in loud places.
I talked to him about this for a while. It didn't take long for him to
get tired of talking to me about it(it gets old quickly talking about
the same problems). I think the conclusion was if I wasn't going to make
a attempt at finding a chick at a bar, or if I don't know one that I'm
interested in already that the only conclusion is nothing will happen
until I get a career or move away from here. Either that or I will just
keeping lowering my standards until I find someone I already know and
do that. None of those options sounds appealing and in fact I hate the
sound of all of them. I don't know what to do and it makes me depressed.
...So I'm going to change the subject and not think about it.
Come to think of it, there really isn't much else to discuss. I thought
I had something else in mind...but wait there is something.
Shawn's in the Money
Not too long ago my credit card bank upgraded me to a Platinum account.
I now have a credit limit somewhere in the thousands of dollars(8 or 10
thousand I think) which I think he damn funny consider I don't have a
job. Even funnier, the card says IU alumni on it. My original credit card
was originally recieved through IUS so I had got a credit card with a
IUS logo on it. Well that was 4 years ago when I was a freshman, now that
it's 2002 I should have graduated IU thus I think that's why they gave
me the card. I guess that's more interesting stories to tell people when
I use the card up at Purdue.
Shawn's back online
With the recent selling of stuff on ebay, I was able to make enough money
to finance the bus trip and pick up an external 56K modem. So now I'm
able to get on the internet with out having to go over to my friend's
houses to do it. 56K still sucks ass but I guess it's better than nothing.
Well I wish I had more cool stuff to say but sadly I don't. So this is
where I make my fairwell. I added another little blurb on the side about
fun/cool/funny words to say. If you have one, you should tell me on AIM
or something I want to see the list grow. Laters people...
[++++++____]
[5/28/2002 4:16:18 PM | Shawn Conn]
Ending the Dream
For a change of pace, I've actually been waking up somewhat early in the
day. Meaning I don't sleep for 12+ hours. I don't know why I've been sleeping
so much lately, I think it's maybe because I've been depressed. I can
usually guage how depressed I am by how much I eat. The previous two days
I didn't eat much of anything. Three different types of sandwhichs and
I think some type of chips is the only thing I ate Saturday and Sunday.
I've been so content (or rather I should say apathetic since content implies
happiness) with not even trying or caring about what goes on around me.
I've got no plans, no cares, or desires. Well maybe a few, but I'm sick
of getting disappointed so apathy is my only defense from getting let
down.
Yesterday, I ended up sleeping until around 4. I missed some cookout stuff
going on at Cherokee Park. I'm not really mad I missed it but I am surprised
I sleep so long though. The only reason I woke up even then was because
my sister woke up me so I could get her beer. After I did that, I just
kinda sat around the house. I burned a few MP3 CDs that I'm going to listen
to for the road trip. Then I decided the things I was going to take with
me for the trip. While the CDs burned, I played some more Tekken Tag.
I should get some more games, but theres not much out there that I think
is worth paying $50 for.
Later on that day I would end up going to Alex's to eat with his dad's
family and friends. It's funny, I thought I wasn't going to hang with
Alex that much this summer. I thought that I would be sick of seeing him
after having to live with him for a year but I usually end up seeing him
every other day. He's like the brother I've never had. If you didn't know,
we are sort of related. His dad used to be married to my Dad's cousin
,I think it was, so his dad has ties to my dad's side of the family. After
eating, he let me use the internet connection there to check my email
and stuff.
Much later into the evening, Alex and I went to Michelle's party. I had
much fun for the most part. There was alot of people there and much drinking
and smoking. For the first hour or two I was pretty high. Nicole and a
couple of her friends were the next people that came over and they had
brought some weed with them. She was showing Michelle how to roll a joint.
After we smoked that, I was feeling quite good. It was the first time
in a while. Even though I've smoked a few times at Len's place, I didn't
really get high at all. Go figure.
Later on in the night, things started to slow down and I was starting
to get bored which usually ends up with me thinking alot then getting
depressed. For a long while, I was sitting out front looking at the mass
of ants that were on the sidewalk. Steve, Jason, Michelle, Steve, and
Ray would eventually join the watch but at the time it was just me staring
at the ants while I was sitting there dreaming. People came and gone.
Some words were said.
Eventually it was me again staring at the ants. I think at some point
I was trying to remember about what I was dreaming about that lead me
to sleep so late that day. I don't remember it at all, but I'm pretty
sure it was about a girl. It seems like something that I would dream about.
It sounds like something that would keep me asleep for 12 hours. Maybe
it's best that I didn't remember it. If I did, it would have meant that
I was thinking about what I dreamt as soon as I woke up. Sitting there
thinking about it, I would know that it was all a lie. That's probably
the most depressing thing when you realize that your dreams aren't anything
true at all.
Realizing all this depressing stuff, I got up and made my leave for home.
Hoping for a tommorow that was filled with more fun...
[+++++_____]
[5/28/2002 4:16:16 PM | Shawn Conn]
Ending the Dream
For a change of pace, I've actually been waking up somewhat early in the
day. Meaning I don't sleep for 12+ hours. I don't know why I've been sleeping
so much lately, I think it's maybe because I've been depressed. I can
usually guage how depressed I am by how much I eat. The previous two days
I didn't eat much of anything. Three different types of sandwhichs and
I think some type of chips is the only thing I ate Saturday and Sunday.
I've been so content (or rather I should say apathetic since content implies
happiness) with not even trying or caring about what goes on around me.
I've got no plans, no cares, or desires. Well maybe a few, but I'm sick
of getting disappointed so apathy is my only defense from getting let
down.
Yesterday, I ended up sleeping until around 4. I missed some cookout stuff
going on at Cherokee Park. I'm not really mad I missed it but I am surprised
I sleep so long though. The only reason I woke up even then was because
my sister woke up me so I could get her beer. After I did that, I just
kinda sat around the house. I burned a few MP3 CDs that I'm going to listen
to for the road trip. Then I decided the things I was going to take with
me for the trip. While the CDs burned, I played some more Tekken Tag.
I should get some more games, but theres not much out there that I think
is worth paying $50 for.
Later on that day I would end up going to Alex's to eat with his dad's
family and friends. It's funny, I thought I wasn't going to hang with
Alex that much this summer. I thought that I would be sick of seeing him
after having to live with him for a year but I usually end up seeing him
every other day. He's like the brother I've never had. If you didn't know,
we are sort of related. His dad used to be married to my Dad's cousin
,I think it was, so his dad has ties to my dad's side of the family. After
eating, he let me use the internet connection there to check my email
and stuff.
Much later into the evening, Alex and I went to Michelle's party. I had
much fun for the most part. There was alot of people there and much drinking
and smoking. For the first hour or two I was pretty high. Nicole and a
couple of her friends were the next people that came over and they had
brought some weed with them. She was showing Michelle how to roll a joint.
After we smoked that, I was feeling quite good. It was the first time
in a while. Even though I've smoked a few times at Len's place, I didn't
really get high at all. Go figure.
Later on in the night, things started to slow down and I was starting
to get bored which usually ends up with me thinking alot then getting
depressed. For a long while, I was sitting out front looking at the mass
of ants that were on the sidewalk. Steve, Jason, Michelle, Steve, and
Ray would eventually join the watch but at the time it was just me staring
at the ants while I was sitting there dreaming. People came and gone.
Some words were said.
Eventually it was me again staring at the ants. I think at some point
I was trying to remember about what I was dreaming about that lead me
to sleep so late that day. I don't remember it at all, but I'm pretty
sure it was about a girl. It seems like something that I would dream about.
It sounds like something that would keep me asleep for 12 hours. Maybe
it's best that I didn't remember it. If I did, it would have meant that
I was thinking about what I dreamt as soon as I woke up. Sitting there
thinking about it, I would know that it was all a lie. That's probably
the most depressing thing when you realize that your dreams aren't anything
true at all.
Realizing all this depressing stuff, I got up and made my leave for home.
Hoping for a tommorow that was filled with more fun...
[+++++_____]
[5/26/2002 6:34:49 PM | Shawn Conn]
I was running. I was running from something I wasn't really sure of at
the time. Whatever it was, I was damn sure it wasn't going to catch me.
My surroundings happen to be a forest beside a road which was some what
away from the rest of civilization. That's about all I can remember. I
was scared, I remember that. The thing about fear is that it only exists
when you're not sure of what's happening or what's going on. If people
knew exactly what would happen when they died, the fear of death probably
wouldn't be so great.
Anyway, I was running and it was then that I heard people calling my name.Then
I woke. I realized that it wasn't people(plural) but rather a person(singular)
that was calling me. It was Saturday 2 P.M. I went to bed around 3am but
yet I still sleep longer than usual. Was I was no longer dreaming all
I could see is the blackness of my room. As all my short term memory of
the dream was fading out I was recalling what exactly happened in it.
The memories have since then disappeared but I remember I was in that
lucid state where you know that you are dreaming. It's usually at this
point in your dreams that the stuff you want to happen ends up happening
just because you're thinking about it. I thought it strange that I would
keep willing myself to run pointless over and over.
Focusing back on the real world, I realized that it was Lenny who was
calling my name. I meant to come to Jeff High Graduation today at 10A.M.
but I had slept alot longer than I expected. When he came in, I was looking
for my clothes to put on. He was exclaiming about graduation and such.
He was telling about hanging with Katie, this chick he likes. I felt happy
for him for his news. It wasn't too long after that though that I was
thinking about the opposite sex and whatnot then a feeling of saddness
came over me. I remember that's what I was thinking about the night before.
Not wanting to feel any worse about this, I stopped thinking about it.
It wouldn come up later in a conversation I would have later with Len,
but for now I was thinking about other things.
He told me that I should come over and have a beer or something like that
at his house where he was having a family graduation party. I could tell
by the way he was suggesting that he wanted some one to talk to that whose
only conversation focus would be, "so what are you going to do now?" I
remember hearing that question over and over when I graduated. "So how's
school?" is another perfunctory question I hear quite often these days.
I'm rather sick of hearing it myself. I did end up going over there and
eating a little food and drinking some beer and talking to the few members
of the Popp family I do know. Since I don't really have much in common
with them though it's not really anything worth mentioning here. I'm sure
you can fill in the details for yourself.
Deus Ex Machina
A little after pointless details and meaningless conversations, I found
myself hanging with Len out front with my 2nd beer. I hadn't eaten anything
today so the beer was going straight to my bloodstream and I was feeling
a little better about things.
"So Katie came over last night. We smoked a bowl and watched T2." Len
tells me again.
"Yeah, so you told me early."
"Did I already tell you that?"
"Yup"
"Hmm, I guess I forgot. It was on my mind and I wasn't sure if I told
you yet."
That's just a little bit of my conversation with Len. At some point after
talking more about chicks and whatnot the conversation turned to me and
he asked me when I was going to find a girl. I told him I don't know and
I'm just too picky and even when I do find someone I like, it's not as
if they feel the same way about me either that or there will be something
or other that I will do to fuck it up.
As I went on with my whole take on the situation I close with, "I guess
I'm too picky for my own good."
"Be as picky as you want I say"
"Yeah well it doesn't help much."
"Well don't worry things will work out in the end."
This little bit of conversation triggered another rant of mine. I went
on to tell Len how I don't believe in that. The only reason "things work
out in the end." is because either you have since forgotten about the
problem after a bit of time or you've given up on trying to do anything
about it. Either way, the problem wasn't resolved just relocated.
"You know what? Things do work themselves out in the end. Eventually you
die. At which point you don't really have much to worry about at all."
That's how finished that subject. I bit negative I know but that's how
I feel about all of this. We talked a little more and went back inside
his house. I made my exit a little bit after that, I was starting to feel
down about things.
As I hopped back to my computer, I began to look at the Deus Ex wallpaper.
The game's title come from Deus Ex Machina (in Latin "God from the Machine").
Aside from it's literal translation, it's also a term for a plot device.
In greek play, where there was conflict that couldn't be resolved through
any possible means often there would be a god of some sort that would
come out of nowhere to fix the whole matter. That's the basis for the
term. Generally, it can be used to describe anything that resolves a confict
through a means that's pretty much the far-fetched equivalent of god arriving
and just fixing the situation.
Not only is it a sign of lazy writing and thinking in story developing,
it's also complete bullshit. I don't like the idea of giving people false
hopes. I'm tired of people telling me "things will work out in the end"
because sometimes it just doesn't. I'm sick of thinking about being lonely
and I'm just as sick about writing it. I can do all the analyzing I want
but it doesn't help anything unless I come up with something to do about
it.
Since there's nothing to say about this topic that I haven't said before
so I move on.
Deathmatch Deathfest
Later on in the day while I waits for things to happen, Alex ends up calling
me. We plan to go to Steve's then Lenny's afterwards. I sat around mostly
doing nothing until that happened. Just sitting and staring off into space.
I was still feeling shitty up to that point. It got to the point where
I felt dead inside. I didn't want to do anything else but stop thinking
how bad I felt.
When Alex stopped by, I still felt that way. When we to Steve's and saw
people, I still went that way. When I went to Lenny's, I still felt that
way. Everyone there was trying to cheer me up and I appreciated it but
it still didn't really help. I guess feeling bad was my only thing on
my mind that day because when I got there to Len's place to setup the
playstations I realized that I had forgotten the two copies of DOOM. Alex
and I ended up going back to my house for beer and the copies DOOM.
When I got back and we started Deathmatch Deathfest I felt better but
that's just because my mind wasn't on feeling bad but the game. Since
no one really was much of a challenge against me, I stopped playing after
a while.
Most of the time after that I was sitting around just staring off into
space thinking about hopeless negativity. Once again people tried to cheer
me up, I don't know why I didn't feel better. I think its because I've
felt this way before and trying to cheer up never really helped things
the last time so why should it be any different here. I don't remember
when but at some point when I was sitting outside Chris decided to try
to cheer me up in his special way of headbutting me on my head. My head
was already hurting so this really didn't help. I appreciated his concern
but he was drunk as fuck and probably didn't realize that I meant it when
I told him to stop.
As I moved around he felt the need to follow, at some point Emily decide
to chase me as well. It was at this point that I head down the stairs
and down the alley way. At which point I started to run from them. Surprisingly,
I was able to get 3/4 around the block without getting winded. When I
stopped, they had given up and I was free to walk around. As I was walking
back, I was thinking about my dream that started the day and thinking
if anything is really going to change. I willed myself in my dream to
run from something that I didn't know and here I was running again. As
I went up the stairs I was wondering if maybe there's something about
me that isn't making me happy. Not that I'm wanting to be unhappy, but
that there might be something wrong with me.
As I got to the top, I sat down on the car seat on the balcony. I sat
there and just closed my eyes. I didn't want to see anything anymore.
It was all so confusing. Being happy or sad, I didn't really care anymore.
Chris and Emily did finally come back and in their attempts to wake me,
he headbutted me while she hit my legs. I was tired and I didn't really
care much about anything anymore. When I open my eyes, I saw that Michelle
was sitting next to me. She looked quite and more tired than I was. Asked
if she was ok and she told me she was. We talked about something, I'm
not sure exactly what it was as my memory was quite hazy.
As the night passed on I did end up feeling a little better. I talked
to Steve alot about things and about regets and wanting to be happy and
whatnot. The bus trip came up and he told me he really wished that I would
come as I told him the night before that I wasn't able to. I'm not sure
exactly all the details of his arguments but it was enough to convince
that I would be happier than I would getting a job so I told him I would
go on the trip. I thing one of the things I do remember talking about
Steve with was that it's only you that can make you yourself happy. Things
might be shitty but at some point I guess you just have to realize that
it can't always get worse. The best thing to do is try to just make the
best of things and go for things that will try to change your attitude.
When I finally did leave the party I did feel better about things. But
still ask myself am I'm still going to change what is wrong or am I going
to end up doing the same shit over. It's probably going to be the latter
of the two. I don't know if things will change in the end. It sure doesn't
feel like it ever changes.
I wish I had a way to change things but it's always the same. I've been
thinking that maybe theres something mentally wrong with me and maybe
I should see someone about it. Then again maybe I'm just making a big
deal out of nothing. I'm just tired of feeling lonely. Or maybe it's that
I'm tired of hearing people talking about hooking up with other people.
I'm sick of seeing people pair off and me feeling like I'm left out.
I see that I'm starting to get back what I was trying to avoid in the
first place. I think it best if I quit before I start talking about more
bullshit. 'til next time.
[+++++_____]
[5/21/2002 10:17:57 PM | Shawn Conn]
My Spoon is too big
I wish I had some exciting tales about my life to talk about but alas
I don't. Other than the big camping trip Saturday on the bus it's been
rather uninteresting. Well, it hasn't been anything that hasn't been done
before I guess. I keep feeling as if I should take my life in other directions:
Something new and different. But it always falls back to the same stuff.
I wish the weather would change, I would like to open the pool and go
swimming but always so cold and rainy. The hot tub is opened and I cleaned
it not too long ago. I've used it every now and then, but I haven't really
invited anyone else to join me. It's pretty dead around this house. My
parents are gone alot as well as my sister and when I'm here I just want
to be anywhere but here. I think I've really only had people over here
once this summer.
In other news, SBB is still getting over a 100 hits a day. It's been rather
low lately so I think that's it's going to trail off but we'll see. Oh
yeah, if you read this go to Google
and search for Backyard Boxing. Make sure you just click on the Steve's
Backyard Boxing link. We were listed as #1 a while back. One day this
guy at Salon.com emails me about interviewing Steve and I I gave him our
phone numbers but he never did call us. He ended up doing his article
and somehow it managed to be #1 listed on google. I don't know how but
it sucks, we deserve so much more to be #1. Since part of Google's ranking
system is based on how popular it is the more people we get to click just
the SBB address when google is searched the more of chance we have to
get listed as #1 again.
My spoon...is too big
For those people looking for stuff to do Thursday. At Lenny's Apt on 3rd
and Lee in Louisville, we're going to have what I think is going to be
the final chapter in the DeathMatch DeathFest saga. We were going to have
it a long while back, but unfortunately we got sidetracked. I've already
secured the 2 playstations and 2 copies of DOOM and the link cable needed.
Len's going to provide the TV and place. It's going to be much fun. Hope
to see you guys there(whomever that is).
My spoon is too big!
I'm trying to think of any topics that I've lately thought about and are
worth writing down. There's about one I can think of and that's about
all my friends(which I now believe is the majority) that have sworn off
meat. I've thought about the arguments and I respect their descion to
stand up something they believe in, the only way I would stop eating meat
is for health reasons.
The ethical treatment of animals doesn't really bother me when it comes
to livestock for food. The way I look at it is that the moral treatment
of animals is not the same as it is for people. They don't have the same
logic capacities as we do. Alot of moral descions stem from trying to
control ourselves from that which desire by using the logic that tells
us what is right. As far as animals are concerned, that rationalizing
that leads to moral problems in us doesn't exist. All they know is to
follow their desires. That's why I have no problem with using animals
as food. I don't have much sympathy for something as simple minded. I
don't mean to sound that cold-hearted but that's what it comes to. Of
course not all animals are the same level of intelligence, the issue becomes
alot more grey when you start to talk about more intellgent animals as
monkeys or such. But what I'm talking about is livestock animals: cows,
pigs, chickens, etc. Animals that are probably not aware of the details
of their confinement in the least and live their life only by what their
instincts and desires tell them. It's hard to feel anything morally empathizing
toward something you could reason with.
But alot of people do, I can understand that. I certainly don't accept
the needless killing or maming of animals for the fun of it, but when
it comes to the issue of food its a different story. The common argument
is that if you saw the slaughterhouses where your food was prepared that
the shock of it would make you understand. Seeing the horrific things
done to animals would trigger that internal conscious that says something
is wrong here and you probably wouldn't want to eat meat again. I don't
understand the argument this argument though. If you could see what your
food(regardless of what it was) looked like as it made it's way through
your entire body, you probably wouldn't be very apt to eat much of anything.
It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the digestive system.
It's just not something we're used to seeing therefore it shocks us. The
whole issue of looking at how your food was really made only works if
you think of animals on the same level of people. I don't, so it doesn't
bother me thinking about the slaughter of so many animals.
The only other major issue is that of the pollution caused by livestock
farms. It might just be that its a out-of-sight-out-of-mind issue with
me, but I don't think it's a huge problem. Almost all industries cause
pollution regardless, it's just matter of weighting the damage vs. benefit.
To me, food is a pretty high benefit for people. Also, when it comes to
pollution I think more people believe that we have more power to annihilate
our ecosystem them we actually do. Yes, we can cause big problems to it
and if we probably intentionally tried we could destroy the ecosystem.
But in the scope of things human civilization is as powerful as many think
it is. The universe as well as the Earth is billions of years old. Human
civilization is probably at most 10,000 years. Life was on this planet
before us and it will be after us(until the Sun supernovas). Life adapts
to it's enviroment. Regardless of what we do to this planet, the planet
is alot bigger than our cities, structures, people, and all of that. Our
influence in this system is probably way overestimated. I'm not saying
that we shouldn't hold industries and people responsible for the mess
they cause, nor that I'm trying to say that pollution won't hurt us. I'm
saying in the big scheme of things our species is way more arrogant about
it's influence on this planet than it should be.
But what do I know? Maybe I say too much for my own good sometime. This
is probably a good note to leave on so it's time for me to vanish...poof
[++++++____]
[2/5/2002 5:03:12
AM | Shawn Conn] I had my
hopes for this week. I felt quite good getting some rest last night. I
went to bed listening to the Clockwork Orange and Snatch soundtrack, real
good stuff. But guess what? It was
a whole lotta bullshit down my way today.Woke up around 11am, I felt kinda
of shitty. I think I might have caught whatever Alex has. It's not surprising
though considering I live with him. After waking I had to do my Differential
Equations homework, I think I missed a few of the problems. Don't care
anymore though, I've given up trying to get the damn problems right. It
takes too much time. I've noticed that I've been making all kinds of stupid
mistakes on problems in any of my classes lately. I dunno if it's because
I'm so busy or what. After doing that I went
to class. I droned out here and there, I dunno if it was because the apathy
I was feeling the creeping sickness that Alex gave me. Maybe it was my
nutty math proffessor. If the class wasn't so taxing I would probably
really like it. He's pretty silly in class. He looks like a cross between
Ben Mattiuz and Matt Spark if that makes any sense and he has really long
hair. Braided, it goes down past his shirt. The way he talks reminds me
of that silly guy you see on those infomericals selling his book about
how you can get so much free shit from the government( The government
gave 50,000 to go to college!!!). You know, the guy that looks like the
riddler because he has all those ?s on his jacket. I think my proffessor
deserves that jacket more than his stupid ass, on that note he'd probably
make a good riddler too(Riddle me this Students!!!)
After that, I went to
a computer lab to download info for the EE270(Digital Logic) Test. I studied
the shit until compilers class and even afterward until 7pm when the test
happened. As for the test, I think I failed or atleast did mediocre after
a curve. I wasn't able to do 25% the exam because I missed the last class
that covered that material. It wouldn't been so bad if I had time to study
for the test, but you know where my weekend already went. So thanks to
this workload, I probably killed my chance for a good grade. Maybe there
will be a big curve, I dunno. It was one those bullshit we-dont'-execpt-you-to-finish-it-all
tests. We had 1 hour to do the exam and I know that wasn't nearly enough
time.
After that I went to
the PC lab(again!!!) so I can finish the lab for Diff Eq by tommorow.
I got most of it done. At least the parts that require MATLAB(Unfortunately,
the version Alex has is out of date for doing what I need to do so I have
to do to PC labs to do it.). It took another 3 hours to do that, and I
don't know if I did it right. And keeping with my theme of apathy,I don't
really care if I got it right. I still have more to do but I think I'm
going to wake up early to finish it.
Oh yeah, did I mention
the great meal I had today. That's I didn't because there was none. I
had some Lasange(sp?) at Fazoli's today but that was hardly anything considering
how small it was. Once I got back, I found
out my CS project 0 grade on the web: 10/100 *sigh* Because Purdue has
almost effectively eliminated the human component out of grading we have
test input run on it and if it spits out what it wants you get a good
grade. I guess that's all they can do with a class this big but it's still
bullshit. When I said Purdue has a better CS program than IU, I should
of clarified. Purdue has better researchers, technology, etc. IU has better
teachers, classes,etc. I think I learned alot more in those classes than
I did here, but I digress. Anyway, now I have to see the stupid TA about
it and find out why my shitty program choked on their shit. While I'm
out roaming Purdue's ugly-ass campus I'm going to see my advisor to see
if she has any words of wisdom about my strangly heavy 14-hour course
load.
I was talking to Melissa
yesterday about sex, masturbation, and such and realized that is just
adding to these consant flurry of bullshit coming my way. Its been along
time since I've gotten something from anyone and I was trying to figure
out why. I can't really think of someone that I've meet this semester
that I really feel like pursing. I dunno if it's because I haven't been
looking or what. Even when I do find a chick that I'm interesting in I
don't feel like I want to make all the effort to do something about it.
It's a frustrating cycle.....and a depressing one too. Man, I'm hunrgy...I wish
I would got back eariler to get some food around here. Now I've gotta
walk somewhere that accepts a credit card to get some food. I'm outie.
Maybe my next post will be on happier things, but probably not. I've been eating alot
lately, at least feels like it. I chalk it up to being so busy in my classes.
Hopefully it doens't become a habit. My parents are probably going to
bitch about the amount of money I spent this month. Oh well, I don't really
care to hear. I'm so go damn tired of these classes, it doens't matter.
That reminds me I need to get a hold of them for laundry money.
Well, that's about it....I'm
not full of interesting commentary today. Bye Bye. If there is any consolation
in all of this, it looks like I might have a chance in Diff Eq to pass
now. Not that I'm really all excited about it in the first place, but
at least that's something.
Thinking about this week,
I can't remember doing anything but homework and playing a little Metal
Gear Solid. How depressing. It's no wonder I probably slept for like 16
hours yesterday. Everytime I got up I didn't feel like there was anything
to be awake for so I just went back to sleep. I don't really feel like
I'm enjoying my learning experience this year. I learn stuff sure, but
I feel like its not because I want to learn it. I just learn it because
I'm doing so god damn much of it. I really dont like how my homework is
either. Last few semesters, it would be like I had something big due every
once in a while and maybe some small homework every day. Now it's just
like every other day something big is due. Once I get done with some homework
it's like, "ok now what do I have to do next." Once I get done with that,
its the same thing over and over. I hate having no spare time. Well I
have spare time but it seems like it just filler before I have to do more
work. Like grab some food or something like that. It's not like I get
to do anything I enjoy: people, games, or any of that. Once the weekend
rolls around I'm just so sick of working I don't feel like I have any
energy to do anything else.
Well enough for now,
class is soon. Til next time. I'm really starting to
lose respect for liberal arts majors. I'm not saying that they are totally
useless; there is much important stuff to be learned in them. But after
comparing my work load to this semester and last semester I really feel
that liberal arts do little to no work. There are exceptions of course
but it seems to me that the work required for one class in liberal arts
is only a tiny fraction of what I've had to do in my classes this semester.
All I did was read pretty much read in my 2 philosphy courses last year
and I got a B easily in both classes. Not only do I have to read and understand
stuff in all my other courses, I have homeworks, labs, projects. All of
this shit I have to do if I want to get a B in my classes.
There's alot of abstract
thinking in liberal arts as opposed to the rigid thinking that's required
in most science classes. It's certainly useful to think abstractly in
many cases; we do it alot in computer science too. But abstract thinking
is so easy compared to the rigid/logical thinking of science courses.
If you don't like the methodology while thinking in abstract terms you
can just make up a new way of doing. Piece of cake. You can't really do
that in logical thinking, you have to analyze each step and why and how
you got there. Once again, I'm not saying that abstract thinking is all
liberal arts is( my Philosphy of Ethics course used alot of logical thinking)
but a good portion of it is.
Oh well, that's why I'm
in computer science/math. That's where the money is right?........right?
Well, if I was going to get a major based on how much money I could make
from it I would get a major in something like business management or something
like that. Seems like you can make a whole lotta of money that way and
just for telling people what to do. If there are any liberal arts majors
reading this you can rest well knowing that my opinion of you is alot
higher than that of someone with a business major.
Enough talk about school...it's
so tiring.
I'm almost doen burning
my MP3 collection again. It's alot better organized than the set I had
before. Lately I've been using my portable MP3 player alot when I walk
around campus. It's very nice to be able to carry a huge collection of
music around with you in such a small space.
Hmm...topic. I've always
gots lot to say but I never say it. I've been thinking about that lately.
For example, looking at the amount of text I've posted since I started
I could start a small book. But if you ever have a conversation with me,
you'll know that I'm pretty short on words. One of the reason I find this
is I think that I get out of breath easy or my heart is pulsing faster
than I think it should and I try to calm myself. It's not that I don't
have much to say, it's just sometimes talking takes a toll on my physical.
It sounds silly, but its true. I've been thinking about ways to resovle
this as it could help me out in alot of ways.
You know what's funny?
The idea of being someone else. I'm willing to bet most everyone has done,
we usually compare ourselves with other people. When we talking about
being someone else, or being like someone else we usually say it terms
of physical or characteristic attribute. We don't really think about the
two being tied to one another, but they are. Who you are is determined
by what you are. Not totally, but determines alot of inclinations toward
certain personalities. Take the example I just said above about me for
example. Now the question is,
if we could change that attribute about ourself for certain would we still
be happy? Probably not, it seems like no matter who I've talked they have
some thing about their personality that they have trouble with. There's
always some doubt about who you are. If you changed one thing about yourself,
you'd probably find something new to worry about. Atleast that's what
I have felt for a while.
Well, that's about all
the talk I've got for tonight. Discuss it amongst yourselves...... ƒVƒƒ�[ƒ“ ƒR�[ƒ“ Heh, that's sweet. I
just realized that Blog will let you imput Japanese characters into it.
Well, I guess it only works if you've downloaded the Japanese IME module
for Internet Explorer. And it will only show up in your browser if it
recognizes the double-byte characters. If it does, then you'll notice
a bit of Japanese at the beginning of my post. If not, then it's probably
just a bunch of random characters. Maybe I should write more posts in
Japanese, I might get back to remembering more of it.
I've got so much work
to do, I shouldn't be posting here. I should be getting to sleep and working
on my prelab for tommorow. Fucking 730 labs. After lab I'm probably going
to be working on Diff. Eq. homework til it's due at 2. Then after that
work on my CS project or doing my Math 453 homework due on Thursday. Then
after that working on my CS project more until it gets done. Then more
Diff Eq. Homework, then a lab, then study for a test, then more homework.
I've gotten to the point where I can't go back an check and recheck my
homework until its the best because I simply just dont have enough time
unless I want to spent my whole waking hours with homework. Did I mention
I'm only taking 14 credits hours? Did I mention that's it's total bullshit.
I thought about how Compilers
is only 3 credit hours and how it admits the PSO(For you non-Purdue people
that's Practice, Study, Observation) is useless. It's 2 hours long and
you don't even get credit for going to it (else the class would be 4-5
credit hours since you spend already 3 hours a week in the lecture). That
just further reconfirms my suspicions that the PSOs are total bullshit.
Maybe they would be useful, if the TA knew how to teach but they really
do a shitty job of that. I'm better off just doing it myself and going
to ask a question if I need it answered( coincidentally there's a thing
called office hours for that). So with that said, I'm not wasting my time
in a stupid PSO again.
*sigh* Did I mention
I hate this semester? It doesn't make it any better I never getting to
do much anything fun and exciting and I always feel lonely. Well, not
always but I don't get to hand with people not nearly as much as before.
The only time to do that is the weekend and it always seems like I'm tired
or never in the mood for something. Alex, that bastard, has
went to a slayer concert in Indy...on a fucking Tues! Meanwhile I get
to wake up early. Sometimes I feel like hurting someone. I guess that's all I
have valuable to say....I'll leave you with this if you're somewhat interester
in videogames.
Obligated Rant about
Video Games: Metal Gear Immpossible
2 is what they should call it on Extreme mode. I've been killing most
the day finishing up the game because I need a break from all my stress
in my classes. I've been playing it on Extreme which I really shouldn't
because it's just about as stressful as classes. Right now I'm stuck at
one those inane "mash the button like crazy" challenge. I didn't have
much of a problem with it before in this and other MGS, but on extreme
its immpossible. I tried every method to push that damn button as fast
as I can to no avail. I've read up an apparently some people have done
it with varying methods but it hasn't worked for me. I was going to use
an auto-fire controller but Ocelot said he would know(that's a little
joke if you've played the first MGS). But really Alex's autofre controller
is not in the room because I think he gave it to Kim-sensei so I think
I'm screwed. The funny thing is once I would beat it I would unlock the
last secret item in the game. You know what it is? A friggin' wig that
gives you unlimited O2. There is only one fucking area where you have
to go through water, and the part where it would be useful( being choked
to death and you can't mash the button fast enough to breath). Oh well. There's been
little about this semester I've liked. And when I think about it, the
only stuff I have like have only been momentary diversions before things
seem all shitty again. I haven't enjoyed my classes, I haven't hung out
with people that much this semster and when I have it seems like half
the time I'm not enjoying it, and I really haven't enjoyed much of anything.
The only shit I've done lately that I enjoyed was the various video games
that I've played. Fucking a, I just don't have anything to look forward
to I guess.
This day doesn't look
like it has much anything in better in store either. So far its been wake
up, look for some MP3s, shower, and probably eat and do homework. Fun...I
get too bored with things too quickly. I wish I could forget more, maybe
things wouldn't be so old and boring. But that's enough for now, time
to eat. yay! (that's sarcasm)
I'll get to this point
that I had a while back when I had a conversation with James. I don't
find myself a true people person or really charismatic, but there are
times where I know what I have to do to acheive that. I just don't do
it because of a handful of factors. Alot of times I chalk up to my non-interest
in the situation. A while back, I came to the conclusion that the most
charismatic of people have the least amount of memory retention. This
could be due to a numerous number of factors which I don't feel like going
into. Anyway, the idea is that people who have low memory retentsion find
even the most repeated situations new and exciting. Of course this doesn't
apply to all situations but there are alot of examples I could site. Because
of this, they tend to enjoy what they do alot more and because of that
people tend to enjoy their company alot more than people who aren't nearly
as excited about situations. I could go on, but I could easily write a
few pages about this and if I was going to do that I should be sober as
I could probably more clearly form my thoughts.
Other things....Damn
I write alot. I've been looking over the old stuff I wtote and all of
it seems the sane. I always talk about the same stuff. It's depressing
to read over the same stuff and still have the same problems. It's times
like these when I feel like It wouldn't be any be any better if I was
to cease to exit tommorow. I should go before this gets anymore depressing.
Shawn outie,,,, I had to wake up pretty
early today, around 7 for EE270 lab. It took 2 hours to do. It probably
shouldn't take that long but my lab partner is pretty slow. He likes to
check and recheck alot, which I guess is to be expected because he's a
EE major and wants to do well but I just want to get done and get the
hell out of there. He has a slight russian accent so it's pretty funny
to hear explain technically stuff. It reminds me of Dexter from Dexter's
Labatory. I'm so tempted to say, "Do not step on my boots!" But anyway,
I digress.
The majority of my day
was spent working on math homework. Pretty uneventful. In between that
I also started burning a new set of MP3 CD's that will be grouped than
the last. Joy. I've only ate one thing
today, a sub at subway and even then I wasn't that hungry. I'm really
losing my appetite again. I can't tell if it's because if I'm unhappy
though. I don't feel unhappy. In the evening, I finished
up most my math work( I still have some of it due, but I think I'm going
to do it in the morning) and started working on the SBB site. I finished
up most the movies and posted a small tribute to Randy McComb after a
suggestion by Newt. He was at one the SBB events and fought Ben Paine.
As it turns out, he died a while ago from a motorcycle accident. I'm glad
I posted something about him on the site. I didnt know him all that well
but it's never good when some dies( especially when they still had much
of their lives ahead of them). I spent way too much
time online thought. I was talking to Ted and alot of other people. I
was brain storming with Ted about creating a website dedicated to his
movies. I would love to do it, but alas the time is so little. I really
wish it was worth my while, but I've got so much other things vying for
my time. Oh well...
I've been so busy lately
I haven't been really all that depresssed anymore. I keep dreaming about
the same shit it seems every night, sex. I dunno why I've been so horny
lately( lately is a relative term: I could probably extend "lately" to
a few years if I wanted). It sucks ass though, I've already mentioned
that feeling about waking up and realizing it was all dream. I hate that.
I hate feeling that every other night. If I didn't have stuff to do, it
would drive me insane....mmm (.)(.) it would be nice to play with some
right now. But alas, work work work always to be done. No fun for Shawn.
Now is the time I start tommorow which is already today, in my dreams.... Be well everyone.... Yesterday was throughly
unexciting, not that I was expected it to be, but it would of been nice
if something did happen. I sat around most the day just staring off into
space. I think I worked on the website for a little bit and uploaded some
movies. My sister called and came over later in the day. Apparently she
came up to Purdue with her friends to party and stuff. Remember when I
talked about how I tend to eat less when I'm unhappy? She commented on
how I looked like I lost weight. Hmm, I didn't look like I did to me but
I guess I don't really notice much. I haven't really been eating all that
much. Once a day. That's about it. I dont think I ate anything on Saturday
though, but I can't remember.
I didn't do much of anything
today. Backed up the SBB movies, sat around alot,and I started to play
Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake after finishing the MSX version of Metal Gear.
I had always been a big fan of the Metal Gear Series when they came to
the NES back in the day. And when the Metal Gear Solid for the PSX came
out, I got it the first day. A few months ago I played throught MGS2:
Sons of Liberty and with the exception of the very disappointing ending
I enjoyed it very much.
So after playing through
all of that I wanted to go play the old school games again. More specifically,
I wanted to see what I missed. You see the 2 games we(we as in the United
States) got the shit versions of the first 2 Metal Gear games. Metal Gear
for the NES, while having better music IMO, had alot of stuff taken out
of from the MSX version. While they added some cool stuff(the jungle backdrop
that the NES version is arguable better than the MSX version which automatically
places you in the fortresses), they took alot of the challenge out of
the game. Unless you count that inane jungle maze part(think those repeating
screens in Zelda for the NES which you had go in a certain direction to
get out of) which the game doesn't even tell you how to get through. Also,
they left out friggin' Metal Gear in the NES. In the NES version you just
destroyed the "Supercomputer" which controlled Metal Gear while in the
original you actually had to blow it up.
The 2nd game we got wasn't
even technically part of the series as far as story line goes any way.
Snake's Revenge was a pretty watered down version of a Metal Gear game.
It wasn't that bad, but after playing through almost all of Metal Gear
2: Solid Snake you can definately see we got screwed. There's so much
they added in MG2 as opposed to Snake's Revenge it's rediculous. Oh course
playing now in 2002 it seems like a joke, but for back in the day (1990)
I woulda been pretty impressed with the game. I still am. It's pretty
funny to see how much of the game that was carried over to MGS. Despite
all the advanced in computer technology over the past 12 years , the gameplay
is still essentially the same thing. There are more flesh out details
now, but they all still share the same game component.
Well enough talking about
video games. I could easily go on for hours, but I've got other things
to do. 'Til next time, this is the Man With the Name that Rhymes signing
off................. I don't get lonely often,
but when I do I feel it pretty damn bad. I'm serious depression stuff
bad. Luckily it isn't that bad, but I'm not in a good mood like I should
be.It seems like I always do this I find someone really special to me
but they never really feel the same way I do then I get all depressed.
*sigh* I dunno what to do. I do my best to avoid feeling this at all costs
because it just tears me apart and I don't know how to handle it. I didn't
mention it at the time, but one of the reason I didn't go to the new's
years festivities this year is because I didn't wanted hang out with a
bunch of couples. That's not to say that every one there was a couple,
that's far from the truth. But I dunno, when I walked into Denny's to
meet up with people to go to the party its like all but 3 or 4 people
were paired off. It made me sick. I was already far from the party spirit
to begin with and this about crushed it. I think it was best that I went
home. It's in the past now, but I stick by my desicion to do nothing.
Speaking of nothing,
that's pretty much what I didn't tonight. With the exception of the website,
I haven't really done much of anything. I had a chance to go out with
Alex and Kevin to a Japanese restaurant but I really didn't have that
kind of money to spend. Besides, I was feeling too down to be with people.
It wouldn't of helped much. I've noticed something,
my weight tends to be a indicator of my happiness. It seems the less happy
I get the less I tend to eat. I dunno why, I just lose my appetite when
I have things on my mind. With that said I haven't eaten anything all
day, which explains why I'm almost out of energy here. *sigh* The connection
keeps crapping out every movie I upload. This is getting annoying...
I wrote a little haiku
about it a while back:
I yell at the screen One final topic before
I shake on out of here to rest. I've been thinking alot about how make
friends lately. Compared with most the friends I know, it seems like I've
made I think this is a good
stopping point, I'm getting real sleepy so I won't have to think about
this stuff pretty soon. Hopefully my dreams won't taunt me again.... Til Next time, Aside from that, not
much else is going on. I finished my CS project in time a few hours before
it was due and it worked perfectly as far as I could tell. I stayed up
all last night doing it, I ended up falling asleep around 7-8ish I think
and didn't wake up until around 4. When I woke up, Alex was playing Diablo
2 and had eaten all the pizza that ordered eariler. Apparently he went
out drinking or something. I should of went, damn sleep cycle...At least
the only thing that I really need to get done now is my 2 Diff Eq labs,
and I'll start those on Sunday. I need to get a copy of MATLAB though
so I don't have to go the PUCC labs to do my work.
The agenda right this
moment however is updating SBB, right now I'm downloading the movies off
the server to double check everythings on the up and up. After I do that,
I'm going to start digitizing the footage that I have left and post it
up. Then, who knows what... Every time I get done
with something it seems like there's more shit to do. It's making me so
unhappy and angry. I went to my first EE270 lab today. Fortunately it
wasn't too hard, but took a while to set up. It was midly entertaining.
When I got back I just got started on my CS work. I think its about half
way done, thought I can't really test it so it makes things frustrating. When I went to my Diff
Eq. class today the proffesor asked us how long it took to do the homework.
The average for the class was 3-4hours. His reply: "Uhh. that's too long."
I wanted to punch his face in. Other than the silly demands he makes for
the class, he's a very good teacher even if he is a little odd. He thinks
it takes too long to hand back the homework, his solution: lay all the
homework on the floor so we can see them all and pick our own copies.
I was going to ask him to sign my add class list sheet that I have to
get every proffessor to sign now since my registration has been dropped
again but I left it on my desk with my CS work. Fuck a duck.
Hopefully I'll have it
delt with by Friday, but who knows. I got a 2/3 on most my homeworks,
which is a pretty shitty average. I'm not really surprised though. Usually
I go back through my work and double check it, but since it's been taking
so much of my time I really haven't had the time too. I don't care what
grades I get I just want it done. I can't believe I only have 14 credit
hours, that's bullshit. 3 credit hours for compilers is totally bullshit,
the rest are adequately timed but that 3 hours just pisses me off. You
just don't know how much work I have to do in that damn class...
Oh well, I think I've
had my fill of complaining. This is getting me no where anyway. Now I
rest and hope for a slightly less worse tommorow. I read a few minutes
ago that Newt was going to stop eating meat. I thought that pretty funny.
I'm not surprised really, but I figured he tried to take indulgance in
at least once type vice(if you really want to call eating meat that).
If anyone should stopping eating meat, I should. I thought my on-and-off-again
nose bleeding was gone, but happened again a few minutes ago. When it
happened at Steve's house a week ago, his mom asked me if I was one of
Steve's veggie friends. I replied no and she told me I should be, and
went on about how I should get my blood pressure checked. I know it's
real threat to me seeing how heart problems run deep into the male side
of the Conn family, but there's so much else to worry about.
Classes are getting me
stressed. I only have 14 credit hours but it seems like there's always
a ton of reading and homework. I don't mind it so much but it sometimes
spans more than one section in my math book. I like to take things one
section at a time but it feels like we're so rushed in class. I guess
I should get used to this, all the rest of my courses are going to be
300,400,500 level courses. At least it keeps me busy though, if I had
nothing to do I would sit around and starting to feel lonely again and
comparatively loneliness is a worse feeling than stress for me. I can
relieve Stress with out doing much of anything, loneliness is a little
more difficult to cure. I think I'll go play
some FF X before clases start @ 10:30 Be Well,
Apr 01'-May01' May '01-Jun '01 Jul-Aug 01 Sept-Nov 01 Nov-Jan01 So we reach now. At this
point I think I've learned the damn game pretty well. The only problem
is that I tend to take it too seriously some times. It is just game after
all. I've come to that realization and I don't really get mad at something
I do in the game that annoys me. But still sometimes when I play with
people, I tend to over analyze instead of just having fun with it. Oh
well I'm still having lots of fun with Tekken.
Beating Ultra Hard today
I had put me on a new plateau of skill. While I was trouncing the computer,
I felt like Neo in the Matrix. I saw the attacks comming at me before
the computer even performed them. I was like *dazed stupor*...."...No..."
and just halted any chance the CPU had at winning. One of the things I
noticed while playing the computer today is that I can also slow down
the rate at which the moves come at me. Well not actually slow it down
but slow down the preceived speed of the moves. All I have to do get myself
pumped up enough and it really feels like I have alot more reaction time
to block, parry, counter or whatever.
Well I think I should
stop here, I'm starting to get on the level of absurdity of those people
who count the number of frames it takes to perform certain moves in Tekken.
I should probably finish FFX and get back to school work instead of gloating
about my Tekken skills.
I thought how funny it
would be if I created a Tekken school to teach people the art of Tekken.
A month or so ago Steve asked me if I could train him in Tekken, he was
pretty serious about it(well not that serious but the request was genuine).
I was thinking about that and I thought how could it would be to become
a Tekken Guru who headed his own school or something. I could make people
go through inane practice and warm abilities and when they complain I
would hit them with a stick and spout some Zen philosphy bullshit about
becoming one with the controller and finding one's innner Tekken. But
hey if anyone is willing to learn, I'm willing to teach....
With that note, now is
the time for rest. Topic#1: Working Conn Topic#2: Thinking Shawn So now I sit here in
the bed wondering why to get up. I soon forgot about it and went back
to sleep again. From what I remember there some pretty interesting dreams:
it had adventure, excitiment, people, love, and I think sex. The only
problem was I don't remember a damn thing that happened. It's not really
surprising now that I think about it, I usually forget dreams with love
and/or sex in them because when I wake up the feeling that I knew it all
was fake glares out among my fragments of memory remaining about the dream.
It's funny how that works, I'm always reminded of the movie Momento when
that happens. You don't really use your brain in the same way you do when
your asleep so you probably aren't using your hippocampus( the part of
the brain that allows us to create memories) in the first place. Any rememberance
of a dream is stored in your short-term memory when you awake. If you
don't mentally make an effort to remember, the memories are gone forever.
That's how it is for most my dreams, with the exceptions of the ones I
write about.
Topic#3: Here and Now So now I sit here and
wonder why I'm not tired. It doesn't take long before a short recall explains
that I had slept the prior day away and I that it would be a while before
I was tired again. But this could not be. I had to go to sleep and soon.
For soon( like 6 hours soon), I would be in a lab trying to catch up in
my compilers course. I thought to my self: "what could I do?" How could
I change the course of events? Then I remembered the good ol' Nyquil bottle
in my desk drawer stored there so long ago. It was then I thought about
the days when I drank too much NyQuil in the past. It stirred bad memories
in my head...It was then I remember that there was no or little bottle
NyQuil left because I drank it all. Too bad. Looking in my desk drawer
I had reconfirmed my suspicions. I was now left in a void. Not the kind
that you designate with a big red stamp, but rather the undescriable kind.
Which if you think about it, should be the only kind because the word
void it self is the essence of nothing. But what is the essence of nothing?
If there's always something around us: something, someone, somehow, someway,some....stuff!
What could I do? How could it be described? The answer: nothing.
It was then I realized
that words could have more then one meaning. Danger was averted...for
now.
Anyway the end is near
and I must leave. Maybe there will be more to come, maybe not. Who I am
now won't be who I am tommorow. It will only be a facsimile, copy, derivative
work of what was me. But maybe that's not a bad thing...who knows.
[5/17/2002 6:55:53 PM | Shawn Conn]
It's been a while hasn't it? Actually I'm not really sure anymore my sense
of time is a little messed but regardless another day has passed and I've
got actually alot to say.
The Clones Attack!
Icidently happened to be the title of the new Star Wars movie, but as
Craig pointed out they heard of my naming convention and turned it to
Attack of the Clones. Will and I saw it yesterday and it was everything
I was expecting to be. I was much impressed by it (alot moreso than with
Episode I) and I reccommend to anyone.
Tekken Combat Zen
Before the Movie yesterday Will and I got some games of obligitory games
of Tekken 4 to play. There wasn't any people around so it was more of
a practice session than anything else(we both switched off playing against
the CPU). Will was doing pretty well until he fought and lost against
Steve Fox. At that point he started to let his anger get the best of him
which didn't do much for his game. He ended up falling for Steve's unblockable
numerous times, I think he ended up wasting a $1.50 because he was pissed
and just wanted to beat the CPU. Good for RiverFalls, bad for Will. He
ended up redeeming himself, but if there's one thing I've learned from
playing Tekken it's that you shouldn't get angry. If you start getting
pissed at the way you're playing, you start focusing on how you're doing
and not what you're opponent is doing. That path leads quickly to the
road of self destruction.
HollyWood: Don't Believe It's Lies
Back on the subject of Star Wars, There just happens to be a "love story"
in the latest one if you didn't know. And pretty much what I was expecting
it was pure garbage. Fully of dumb cliches that have been around since
longer than I've been around. I guess I can't blame them that much(remembering
it's primarily an action/adventure movie which does that part quite well)
, they had to put it in the movie because it's a important part to further
storyline but did they have to make it so blatently dumb? It could be
that I'm feeling so negative about not finding love(read on later to find
out more!), but rather I think people don't really care to think outside
of the box and try something different. It's alot easier to put your brain
auto pilot and regurgitate the same stuff seen in prior movies.
I just like to point out two really stupid things I've seen in relationships
in movies lately.
-In the godawful comedy "40 Days, 40 Nights" The main character who's
name isn't worth the effort remembering finds a girl that really cares
about. But he can't have sex with her and even getting the least bit physical
could tempt him to break his vow of 40 days of without sex. So after a
bit of dating he realized that he be best that he tries to avoid. For
some reason or another she finds out about it. He tries to explain it
to her, but does she sit there and just listen to why he's been avoiding
her and why he didn't tell her about not able to have sex? No. She doesn't
the typically stupid woman thing to do and get's pissed off for no apparent
rational reason. He then spends the next few scenes trying to apologize.
Why!? I don't understand why she's mad or why he's apologizing. It's just
dumb.
-In Spiderman, right after the scene where the Green Goblin and Spiderman
fight in the burning the building. They both have to meet for a Thanksgiving
dinner as their alter egoes. Well the Green Goblin notices that Spiderman
is Peter Parker and then rushed to make an exit. His son, who brought
his girlfriend over so he could met her, talks to him on the way out.
While she hears the conversation, the green goblin accuses her of being
a gold digger. His son replies "No dad, you're wrong about her." He then
bursts into a fanatical rant then leaves. The son comes back in and his
girlfriend , now upset, yells "Thanks for defending me!" in a saracastic
tone as she storms off. What the fuck, he did defend her!
When comes to relationships in movies, the scriptwriters are brain dead.
I don't like to spurt out the same rehtoric over and over(it's on the
same level of regurgitating the same shit told to me with out thinking
one bit about it). So maybe I'll just point out why I think this in a
very discrete method.
1. When people grow and learn about the concepts of what love in the US
there is two major sources: Their parents and observing the rest
of the world.
2. Parents have the most influence on your concept of love than
anything but if your parents were like most American parents(mine sure
were)a good portion of your life isn't spent with them for numerous reasons
that I don't want to get into.
3. When you're young(and very impressionable) your contact with the rest
of the world is limited just because your a kid. You'll probably have
friends of your age, but most certainly they don't know love is.
4. What fills the void of information about love that isn't covered by
your Parents or rest of the world is the other source of
the world that is always around us: media(news,pictures, TV, books, movies,
etc.).
5. Looking at what popular media portrays as love is idealized and perfect.
It's planned, scripted, ordered and above all fake. It actuality, love
is far from that.
6. People growing up on these ideas will have them ingrained in their
head thinking that love is andif they don't think for themselves they
will believe nothing but that.
7. Once people are adults those ideas(if never changed by thought) get
passed onto a new generation as they raise kids.
8. The cycle of bullshit continues
There's my 8 step cycle of bullshit. Take it for what you will...
Not Wanting to be Another Cog in the Wheel
I was talking to Ted to last night as I was trying to get a hold of people.
He called me from Hollywood Video so once again the subject of work came
up. He was telling me that he's considering putting his two weeks in.
I told him, that he probably should. He speaks so much ill of it I can't
see how he can be happy. When he mentioned that I indavertently burst
into a rant that I felt would be good to share here.
The problem I have getting a job is I'm always afraid that I'm going to
end up doing something dumb and mindless. Every job I worked at it seems
like no one ever respects my opinion. They just want some drone who making
minimum wage to do whatever it's told. I never really feel like I'm a
part of anything. I feel as if my employers just want me to be a robot
doing whatever redundant task it's told. I hate that feeling, I hate it
with a passion. When I go into to stores, places of commerce or whatever
there's always the atmosphere of that's devoid of human life. Consumers
are there to consume, employees are there to provide. That's all. I hate
feeling that. I don't think there's really anyone to blame. Employees
probably don't care to be there and consumers probably just want to get
what they wanted and go on with whatever they were doing. But it doesn't
have to be that way.
Lately I have found myself trying to converse with the employees at whatever
establishment I might frequent. You can tell more often than not they're
glad someone is treating them like a person and not just another cog in
the wheel of our economy. Doing that always gives me hope that job doesn't
have to be painfully boring.
I really feel sorry for Ted who tries to be so polite and tries to converse
with the customers only for them to lash at him when they don't have a
copy of whatever flavor of week movie that's now out at the store. It's
consumers and employees like that who are only concerned with earning
money or buying a product that make work such a drab, horrible lifeless
place to be. In the end, I guess people are only concerned about a job/store
insofar that they get what they want out of it goods/services/money. But
life isn't about money damnit!
I wish I at answers to change "the system" but alas I don't. *sigh*
A Whole Lot of Love to Give, No one to Give It To
On the note of talking to employees: a little story. There was this slightly
attractive chick working at the booth. Will, being the guy that he has
become lately, was trying to hit on her of course.
"Hi
I've noticed recently Will when conversing with employees at stores will
notice their name tag and call them that. It's always a nice surprise
to give someone, you can always see it in their eyes the shock of calling
someone by their name and not treating them as machine.
"Hello" says the chick(I'm horrible with remember people's names,faces,
etc. so I couldn't hope to remember it)
"Two for Attack of the Clones. Wait. Do you want to go see it with us?"
"No. I can't I've got to work."
At this point I chime in.
"Awww, come on there's still 268 seats left."
She looks down at the monitor then looks at me smiling and says, "How
did you know that?"
"Psychic Powers"
"Yeah, he's strange like that" Will claims.
"Right..." she says.
"ok, whatever don't believe me." I chime back.
"So do want to go see it with us?" Will inquries agin.
"No I can't."
"Ok, we'll take the two tickets then"
As Will and I walked away we both exclaime how smooth that was. I didn't
really think about it until much later how women are impressed by stupid
shit like that.
At this point I'm might start offending some people.
I've been thinking long and hard about why I end up getting hurt so much
when it comes to love. At some point the pain you feel has no effect anymore.
At which point you've actually got to think about what is wrong and learn
from your experiences. For too long I've been thinking with my heart instead
my head.
I was talking to my sister eariler about trying to get chicks and she
said something to the effect. "You should try to show them that you'll
be there for them, be their friend and all that." I love my sister dearly,
but that's so much bullshit. I'm sure she was being honest but what women
say they want and what they actually want is so much different. Women
don't make any sense when it comes to relationships. I thought about every
female(my mom, my sister, my sister friends, my female friends) where
I know the details of their relationship, and in everyone their significant
other at one time has treated them like shit and yet they still, in quite
a vulgar metaphor, bend over and take it in the ass. The only thing that
varies is their breaking point.
I've always tried to maintain a certain a respect for any person just
because morally ,regardless of who they are, they are a person and people
have the capacity of rational thought and reason(which means they can
have their own set of moral laws which I can respect) but thinking about
this as seriously undermined what I think about women.
Keep in mind when I say women I mean the gender not the sex. There's nothing
inherently wrong with females. Gender and sex are totally different.
The goal with me has always been to pursue a relationship. Gathering from
what I have seen I'm pursuing the wrong thing. I'm starting to think that
maybe what I should of done is what I was doing a few years ago. The goal
being getting sex and not a relationship. I don't know if this sounds
strange or not, but it's alot easier to get sex from a chick then it is
to get a relationship. Flirting and smooth talking chicks is not something
I really like to do but I have and can do it. A long while back it got
me a girl and while I bet most people are always in interesting stories
about getting some action I'm trying not to turn this post into a novel.
The only problem is I found that after the fun was over it lead nowhere
and left me wholly unsatisfied. I'm beginning to think that maybe I was
just thinking way too much after it was over, it's a vice I have at times.
Ironically enough, the girls I care about enough I don't flirt with at
all. I guess it's because I respect them enough to treat them like their
more than just some dumb chick who I can impress with some dumb small
talk so I can get into her pants. But they have shown me that is all that
they want. For a long time, I've been doing the same thing the same dumb
thing that I see women doing. I've try to show that whatever girl that
I'm currently have feelings for that I care about them, only for them
to show their apathy toward me. Yet I still do the same stuff over and
over again regardless thinking that something will change. I've got to
tell myself: never again.
I guess the only way to show a woman you care about her is shoving your
cock in to her. I guess then she would get the point(note: pun). Maybe
it makes sense seeing how women do consider sex more of a emotional thing
than men do. I don't know really. There are certainly a lot of generalizations
I made alot of things and I could be wrong about anything but I think
I'll probably be much more happier this way.
I've had various bits of depression this past few months because there
was a girl that I liked(whose name is hidden to protect the embarrased/angered/whatever)
but I didn't know what to do about it. But I'm no longer going to blind
to world I see around me. I'm not going to stay depressed about stuff
I can't control, I'd rather see what I'm looking at change myself to adapt
that. I guess that's about all I can do.
Well, it's time for me to keep on keeping on...Til Next time.
[++++++____]
[5/15/2002 6:04:36 PM | Shawn Conn]
Burnt Out on Life
Is that the feeling to call it? Maybe not, but that's what I'm feeling.
I don't know even know why I waste my time composing this. Hopefully...maybe...I
like to think it's doing something positive, but I digress...
If you didn't know, Bizzare Magazine
has us listed on their top spot on their links page and the number of
hits for the site has now gone into the 100's a day. That has got me inspired
to work on the webpage again.
So there I was working on the webpage, not really doing much anything
else and then I suddenly feel a wave of panic come over me. I don't know
really how or why or even what to decribe it has but I felt uneasy. I
felt like I should be doing something else than sitting here. I felt trapped.
I decided that maybe I should talk to someone or even just have someone
else in my company. I also needed to contact a couple of people about
things I needed for the site so I figured kill two birds with one stone
and all that. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get a hold of people I needed
or wanted to talk to. So I just sat there uneasy.
The funny thing about emotions and feelings they have their sort of gravity/momentum
to them. If you keep feeling a certain way, you tend to keep feeling that
until a force acts on it to change it. As I was feeling uneasy, I realized
this and tried to put myself in a better mood. In a bit, I started to
feel better but I was starting to feel ill. At this point I decided to
go to Alex's just to have someone else to be with. When I got there he
wasn't doing anything but playing games so he really wasn't too talkitive
so that didn't help. I wanted to check my schedule for next semester so
I did that then checked some websites, and some email plus talking to
people online.
While doing this, I couldn't help but feel like I'm losing touch with
my friends. It sounds silly, but I just keep feeling like the longer things
have been going the further I drift from my friends. The fact that I was
with so many of them the night before says just the opposite of that but
somehow I feel like they none of them don't care about me anymore. I wanted
to shake this off so Alex and I went to Denny's. As we headed toward Denny's,
I was listening to silence in the car(my CD player didn't want to work
at the moment) and wondering what's the problem. I shouldn't feel this
bad. I was feeling so great yesterday.
When I came into Denny's Steve and Casey were there with another person.
As we greeted them, they both made note of how upset I looked. Even though
I didn't feel that bad it must of been if people could tell. I was able
to shrug it off for most the night but as I was coming home I didn't have
much think about so I started to think about it again.
I don't know if there is a term for it, but in order for the mind to feel
the same amount of pleasure or pain from something it takes more and more
amounts of whatever is. Your body just kind of adjusts itself to whatever
it feels and thus it takes a more extreme feeling to change things for
better or worse. The way we adjust our eyes for light, our tolerance to
substances, our emotions all have this kind of behavior. I've hopped between
feeling really good and really bad in the past few days I just don't know
what to feel about certain things anymore. I'm confused what to feel and
what should be done about it. Just thinking about this makes my head start
to hurt. I think I'm making myself ill from just my emotions(I guess that's
something like psychosomatic(sp)).
I'm pacing the same circle again and I don't like it. It's old and boring,
at least I don't feel nearly as upset about it anymore. I can't really
feel the same amount of pain from something that's just getting so redundant
and boring. On the other hand apathy isn't much better. Apathy is just
a road to a slow grinding death.
You know what I think death is like? Certainly it definately depends on
how you die but I here's what I think what happens when your brain is
starting to die. When I was giving plasma for the for the first time,
my body certainly didn't like it and near the end I was getting tired,
very cold, and dizzy from the lack of oxygen my blood cells would be providing.
As I tried to stay conscious, I kept wanting to fall asleep. I had my
eyes open but as I looked around everything started to fade. You know
those spots you see when you look at bright objects? Regularly they kind
fall into the "background" as you notice all the stuff around you that
aren't the spots. Well imagine that those spot manage to overwhelm you
as they grow in numbers and they start to block out what you're looking
around you. That's what started to happen. Everything just faded to white
as I think it was the lack of oxygen going to my brain. That's what I
think it looks like when you die.
Fading...fading...fading to white as you get more....and....more....tired....
untill..........you............just............
stop.................ddddrrrreeee...........................
[+++++_____]
[5/13/2002 5:48:38 PM | Shawn Conn]
Living Well and Doing Well...
I don't know why, but lately I've been really happy. Nothing really has
changed from last time, but I feel good. When you're not looking for happiness
I guess it's easy to find. It's pretty funny like that. Last time, I talked
about wanting a relationship so much but I really don't care all that
much any more. Sure I guess it would be nice but I really don't care as
much as I did before. I still feel the same way about Emily but I just
don't feel any sense of urgency to do anything about it. Hmm...Oh well.
Other than that, life as been pretty dull. I thought there would be more
people around to do things with but surprisingly they all seem to be busy
with other things. I keep feeling a need to get a job(I will try to get
one before the month is up) but it seems to me anything I do will suck.
As much as I bitched about it, learning new things and using my brain
is the kind of work I enjoy doing. That's why I still enjoy computer science
and math I guess. Every job I get, I do nothing but some mindless task
over and over. The sheer tedium is enough to drive to edge. Sure there
are jobs out there that isn't that but isn't one I can get without a degree.
Probably not. There are a few jobs that sound appealing to me but I haven't
really pursued them yet. I guess the reason I haven't tried so much is
that the money concern isn't so dire as I thought. Well at least it won't
be for another month is my sell goes through on Ebay. But at some point
before the end of the month I'm going to have to get off my lazy ass and
get a job. It's too bad I can't get easily motivated about it.
Other Stuff
I have put an MP3 of the Week in a while thanks to lack of an internet
connection but regardless I still have new stuff for you guys. Actually
two things:
First off, this here's a letter By Teddy
Gohmann entitled "please frank"
"please frank" by Ted Gohmann:
Dear Frank and the whole Denny's Staff,
I am most distraught and saddened that I can
still no longer visit my home away from home.
Please,
Please let me back in!
My life was so much better back then. Everyone
is deserving of a second chance.
Please Frank, Please, Please everyone,
Let me shine once again like the 2.99 Grand Slam!!!
My life has gone completely down the toilet ever since
my demise from my precious precious Dennys!
The word Dennys and it's logo used to bring so many
joyous memories to me. Now it brings nothing but torment, loathing,
and hatred. We all do silly silly things.
Why is it other members of the guilty party have been admitted back in,
but not myself? Why Why Why?
Is it my hair? Is it my voice? Is it the way I dress?
Is it because of my blubbery blobbery body?
I admit at times, I was exceptionally loud and obnoxious, but
thats only because you have coffee that once you start drinking,
you just can't stop!
It's not often in a person's life, that they have a chance, to do something
truely great. Like God spoke to Moses.
Now is the time to do something great, to let me back in, to let me redeem
my life, to be
part of something I was once such an integral part of, that is part of
the Dennys experience!
My life was once advancing at a geometric rate, now, I am dreaming about
people touching
telephone lines, while consciously knowing they will get electricuted.
I ask myself, why is this happening? The answer is withen me all the time,
it was the time I was
banished from Dennys!
Please Frank, Please, please everyone!
Accept this offering as a token of my gratitude!
If I can't be there in Dennys, at least my photo can be there in spirit!
In honor of myself, please place it on the front door of Dennys!
If not on the door, on the glass display where you oh so graciously decorate
to stay
in touch with the current celebrational periods of the year!
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Well that’s true for
everyday except one...
the day you die."
I know that when I die, I don't want to go thinking that I never got to
be accepted back in
to the place I truly cherished!
Peace Peace Peace,
Please Please Please,
Sincerely Sincerely Sincerely,
-teddy.
Secondly, there are the two trailers for Good Cop, Bad Cop(Ted's
and Grahman's)
that I've had on my webspace for awhile. Ted is shooting to release before
the month is up but is has become afraid of what the masses might say.
The final cut is looking somewhere in the length of 2 hours or so and
given Ted's sense of direction in films he thinks that people are not
ready for such a undertaking. I've seen rough cuts of the movie and I
still think it's has some pretty good parts regardless. Hopefully I'll
convince him to release it soon.
Before I go, I should mention that most the films are in DiVX format so
that means you'll probably need this
or this
codec before the video should show up. And if you don't have the audio,
you'll need this MP3 codec.
Well that's about all I got. I've I things to be and places to see. Til
next time guys...
[++++++++__]
[5/10/2002 3:12:56 PM | Shawn Conn]
Playin' for Keeps
The theme for today is questioning reality. That's what I've been doing.
There have been lapses in my life currently where I've been feeling quite
unhappy and when I think about it the only thing that's causing it is
that I don't have some other person that I can say I care about and they
care about me. A girlfriend or soemthing like that. You know, if you keep
talking about a subject a make a big deal about you start to forget what
the hell you're talking about. At this point, I really don't know if it's
going to make me happy anymore. I think the next time someone brings up
the subject, I'm just going to turn and walk the other way. It's just
sad.
I was watching Syler and the other pup that Claire has been recently taking
around with her. If you watch other people give the pup attention you
can easily see how Syler gets upset and starts to try to get attention
from others. Looking at that has made me think that people aren't really
much different. Everyone wants to be loved or something stupid like that.
The last blog I wrote I mentioned about really wanting someone special
to me. I think Emily is that person, but the more I think about it the
more I just wonder if it really mattered at all who it was.
The world is full of lies and I'm starting to think everything around
me is nothing but a lie. I don't feel happy thinking about not having
other person, but why should I think that? I keep trying to tell others
of my problem but never solves anything, all they have to tell me is some
lame stuff that I've already heard before. Relying on others for changing
a situation is weak because it doesn't do anything. I'm beginnning to
think that talking is just about as useful.
It's about this time when you look at yourself and realize something must
change. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, it does nothing to solve
anything. What am I going to do about is the question?
If I killed myself would anything be different? I don't think it would.
One good thing about feeling depressed is you don't fear death. I don't
think I have fear of dying anymore. I've considered suicide a handful
of times. I doubt things would get as bad to do it, but I realize that
the time we're here matters not much of anything. I'm not in a rush to
do antying but die. It's the eventually conclusion to everything. The
rest are details in between.
Are their other options? That's something I've been thinking about. I
don't think I'm going to come up with anything different though. I mean,
trying to solve unhappiness is a self defeating purpose. Why bother?
Continuity
Isn't that a cool word? I've been thinking about this too lately. I don't
know if I'm using it in it's true sense but I'm talking about my perception
of time, events and such. My ability to remember events and such is mostly
what I'm talking about. I have quite the ability to remember things, I
have a pretty good memory as I tend to remember alot of details about
things going on around me. The more I think about it though, it's rather
deterimental to my happiness. For example, tonight Nate mention something
to me that reminded me of quite bad memories. Those memories don't really
serve a purpose in anyway and in fact are hurting me. Of course there
are good times that remember too which I guess are helpful, but in the
end does it matter? I don't want to live in the past, that doesn't help
anything that's going on right now. I think the best thing in the end
is to forget it all. Let it all fade away. It's not helping me, it's not
helping anyone.
Wrapping it Up
Now I'm looking for a conclusion to all of this. Remember when I mentioned
something about there being a need for something to be changed. That's
what I'm getting at. You know, something to conclude on so I have a some
sort of conclusion. There won't be a conclusion however, things will continue
to happen the same way and I'll continue to go around in a circle mindlessly.
One day, I would like think that I'm going to wake up and things will
change. They never do. What's a person to do?
As I flip through songs in Winamp trying to find something inspriring
I realize the futility in even bothering with it. I'm starting to noticet
the lethargy coming from my hands as type. I'm getting tired, I'll be
asleep soon. The person you are now, won't be the same person tommorow.
I wonder if I will be a better or lesser person by then. Does it really
matter though in the end? It's not as if you're choosing between anything.
That person you'll be the next day will soon be gone too. I think that
maybe I should let go who I am and just focus on what's around me. Shawn,
The Man With the Name that Rhymes, Conn is starting to become some whose
tired with life. I don't want to think I'm going to end up killing myself
because I'm bored with life. I'll dwell on this as I fall asleep wondering
what tommorow will be.
[+++++_____]
[5/9/2002 8:49:39 PM | Shawn Conn]
Running Myself Into the Ground
Things have been quite down lately. It's not that anything is going horribly
bad, it's just that things aren't going as great as I expected. This summer
has been mostly drab and boring, I'm beginning to start wanting a job
just so I can have something to do. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm
out of touch with people. I've seen alot of people, but I just don't feel
like I spend the time I use to spend with them. It feels like everyone
is up to their own thing and they just don't have as much time to just
sit and hang out. Everything feels rushed and forced. It's actually been
scaring me because I was talking to my parents the other day and they
were going on about how the friends they know now at work are nothing
like the ones they knew when they were young and that they don't spend
very much time with them outside of work so alot of their time is spent
with each other.It scares me not to have any friends that you wouldn't
want to spend time with and that you would rather dedicate all that time
to a significant other. That's one thing I sure as hell don't want to
end up with in my life.
Speaking of significant others, that's probably the other thing that has
been bothering me through the beginning of the summer. The more I think
about it, the more lonely I start to feel. I know it's pathetic and I
keep ending up going in a circle about this whole issue but it's really
bothering me damnit. Alot of times I keep thinking that I'm never going
to end up finding someone and I start to feel horrible. It's times like
these when I think I should just start going out and start hitting on
any chicks I find so I score or whatever. I keep telling myself that's
not what I want though. I've done this before and it's just not satisfing
to me. I want sex with someone I really love and care about. Fucking around
with girls that you don't give a shit about is just a step above masturbation
in my mind. I want something more. Course, the only problem is that when
I find something I really care about I think way too much about trying
impress them or whatever for my own good. It sucks alot.
I ended up calling Emily slighty a little bit after I woke up. I wanted
to do something with her so I could see her beautiful face(and get a ride
from since my car was still in the shop), but she had prior engagements.
I didn't feel like bothering her just for that so I said fairwell. It
sucked, but there's was anything I could do so I didn't want to worry
about it. Plus, I had other things to do.
I ended up getting the Good Cop, Bad Cop footage digitized and I went
over to Will's to post it. I did that along with putting some software
up on Ebay to sell. Hopefully, I'll get some big cash for it. I ended
up being there for quite a while due to do the slow connections. Man,
I miss being connected to the Purdue network.
Some other shit happened during the day, but it's was rather uninteresting
so I'll skip it.
What I will mentioned before I head out of here is that I did pass Compilers
along with my other classes(2 B's 2 C's). Finding that out has made my
night. Hopefully, that will remind me not to feel so bad about chicks
n' stuff.
Til' next time...
[+++++++___]
[5/4/2002 4:17:23 PM | Shawn Conn]
Note: Actually posting date may not representive of actual composed date.
Well this is me first post from back home. It's quite good to be back
home finally. My room is all setup and I must say I think the setup is
quite kick ass. The first few days have been quite fun without the worry
of classes and such. With all that's been happening, I've had alot of
things coming to mind. So with out further ado...
My Tekken is Strong...
Like usual, there has been much Tekken going on. Right before, I left
I spent about $5 on the Tekken 4 machine at the Union waiting for the
bookstore to open. When I got back, Will and I went to the mall to play
some T4. Much fun, I'm getting quite good at the arcade stick now. Playing
a some guy in the mall I got a handful of perfects. I was pretty proud
of that. I recently bought a $20 arcade stick for my PS2. It's no where
near the quality of the one I was wanting to get, but this one is pretty
solid and gets by pretty well. I can crouch dash(f,N,d,d/f or a dragon
uppercut for those who've played street fighter) pretty damn well in the
arcade now.
Speaking of Tekken...
As a birthday present/joke Will being the good friend that he is bought
me a copy of the Tekken Animated movie. Oh god...it was pretty damn bad.
Horrible storeline inconsistances, inaccurate facts, cheesy dialogue,
this movies was full of it. And if that wasn't fucking bad enough. Paul
doesn't say a damn thing it and Bear(Akuma) is nonexistant! Fucking a,
that's half of Tekken right there. The movie is most forgetable and I
don't think there was any redeming quality other than the fun we had making
fun of the movie.
Back to important matters...
I've been thinking alot about life and whatnot lately which is typical
of drunk conversations at the end of the night. Interesting side note,
alcohol increases the levels in estrogen in your body which is why it
can make people so emotional. Anyway, I've been looking around lately
and thinking about how everything thing is fake around me. I'm not talking
so much about what we see around us, but rather what we perceive around
us. To be more specific, One day I was sitting around thinking that things
that are perceived to be true may not nccesarily be true. The things we
hold near and dear to us as the truth can be in a moment of reason can
be wiped away.
Realizing this, I was thinking about the things in my life that it may
apply to. I couldn't think of much of anything, but at one point I became
to think how life has become a game to me. That may sound silly and/or
stupid but that's how I feel. Alot of times I feel the stuff around us
isn't real. I guess my partial reasoning is what I said above. How one
we thought we knew at one moment may not be true the next.
Thinking about all this stuff has made wonder what it is that I'm hoping
to accomplish throughout the day. I guess in the end it about the same
as everyone else wants, happiness, but I'm not really sure about what
that is sometimes. A while back I had a brief conversation with Will on
the way to the mall. I remember one the defining moments of the conversation
was when I mentioned theres definately times when thinking too much about
things is bad. I told him I think there are a number of people out there
that think so much about things to make them happy they end up wasting
time doing the thinking instead of the doing. I know I'm one of those
people and I've been trying to change that about me. I think I've been
doing a good job somewhat. Though maybe I should have tried more not to
focus on being unhappy too when I was so busy with work at school this
semester.
Speaking of Happiness...
I've been quite happy since I've got back. With the only worry on me to
find a job, things have been at a much slower pace and I've felt quite
good about it. I guess there can be always more things about my life that
could be better but right now I'm feeling pretty good.
This has got me thinking about the opposite sex again. While it has been
in the back of mind, I've really not had the concern about just because
it seems like dealing with it at school was too much with the stress of
classes. But now that I've gotten back it's starting to become more of
an issue. And thinking about it, I don't know if it's truely what I want
or that its just seeing other people make such of big deal about it that
make me want a girl. It seems I've had alot of conversations to other
people about this junk.
A few nights ago, I was at Lenny's place where Steve and Nate, among other
things, were talking about women being the devil(and remember you can't
have devil with out evil). When I usually hear men or women talk about
the opposite sex being evil thats about the time I stop listening. Evil
is a factulty(sp) of the human mind. It's a potential we all have when
we make poor choices about what we should and should not do. There is
no one in this world that inherently evil. Everything has a good or bad
side to it. I asked Steve to elaborate on this (women being evil) and
the only arguement he provided me was that should just trust him.
When it comes to people bad talking about their opposite sex, most the
time it comes from them be burned by someone in particular. They want
something out of a person, like love or something like that, and for one
reason or another they just don't end up getting it from that person.
Is it that person who didn't feel same way fault? No. I think the only
people we have to blame is ourselve for setting up an expectation in the
first place(more broadly I would blame TV,movies,etc. for perpuating the
myth that love(love not being lust) can happen almost instantly but that's
a whole other discussion).
I ended up taking Nate home, and after talking to him on the way back.
It appears to me that's about in the same place where I was at almost
2 years ago. Not in school, no girl, and a serious lack of stuff to do
throughout the day(though he does at least have a part time job which
I didn't have). This, among other things, as really made me question about
what I should and should not be thinking about when it comes to the opposite
sex.
Changing my Perceptions...
With all that talk about women, the opposite sex, and what not and all
the stress that's been happening as result I know that it's not what I'm
doing that's the problem rather it's probably the way I'm thinking. If
you haven't heard before, I'm really picky when it comes to think that
I love someone. It has occured to me after hanging out with Emily the
other day, that's how I feel about her. When it comes to it I enjoy talking
to her, I find her attractive, and I enjoy doing things with her. That's
about the best I could want from someone.
The problem, I never make any intiative doing anything about it. I make
such a big deal about finding someone I really like that often I don't
know what to do when I finally decide. Funny thing is, if I didn't really
care about her it really would be a problem. I find when I don't really
care about a girl, it's quite easy to get them( I had a much bigger chance
with her back before I knew her but that was a different me who didn't
care.). I've done it the past and I've found it wholely unsatifying. So
I find myself quite confused about what to do. I haven't really asked
her about such things and really I don't want to. I've found that I don't
like making such a big deal of things.It puts pressure on both people
and I don't like that. I just want to enjoy being with her I guess. The
problem comes when I think about what she feel about me I guess. It's
very troublsome thinking about it, and I don't like to do it much because
it just puts me in a bad mood. If other people wouldn't bring the topic
of girlfriends to my attention(indirectly and sometime directly), it wouldn't
be a problem at all.
I so long sometimes for having the ability to forget things sometimes
at my whim. If I wouldn't remember about wanting Emily, I really wouldn't
have any problem with anything. I wouldn't remember that I'm making such
a big deal about a girl. I would just be enjoying my time with some I
like. That's why I've tried to make it goal. To forgot about the past,
not totally forget it but try to forget most the junk that leaves me with
such stress. Maybe I'll enjoy what I'm doing in the moment alot more.
Whew...that so much to say. Well that's about all on my mind. I probably
won't do another post for a while anyway. Take it easy people.
[++++++++__]
[5/1/2002 7:51:05 AM | Shawn Conn]
Take the What
Sex Position Are You?
Yay! for spooing...If you've visited Kim website, you've probably already
have seen this. But if you haven't check it out.. I guess it's about 5
minutes of worthless fun to pass the day.
The end has come:
Well this is it, my last day here. The end of my junior year at Purdue.
I'm just glad it's over. This will probably be my last blog for a while.
When I get back home, the status of my internet connectivity is going
to be up in the air. I don't really know if I'm wanting to pay for cable
modem service(at least I wouldn't have to deal with @home who are now
dead and gone) as I still don't have a offical job for the summer. And
as for a normal phone modem, I don't have one. That and the fact my sister
would probably end up throwing a fit because she would be able to use
her precious piece shit phone to talk to people hours on end. And by talk
to people I mean sit there and listen to silence as both parties sit there
and doing something else. The people my sister calls up and talks to on
the phone for hours on end are usually guys who maybe say a sentence every
5 minutes. I honestly don't understand it at all, but to each his own
I guess.
I look forward alot toward this summer. It's looking to turn out well.
I'm going to be getting a job so I can live at the apartment next year
so maybe I'lll be able to buy somethings that I want. Also, Steve is putting
the finishing touches on the bus. That's going to be a whole lot of fun
there. If I make enough money, there will be time for road trips hopefully.
I would like to head up to Grand Rapids to meet a handful of people. Who
knows what the summer will bring. Maybe SBB will make it's humble return
at least once or twice for the summer. I would like to think that it would.
Maybe I'll find a chick this summer( I say that every summer but who knows).
Either way, I'm thinking it might be my last summer here in Jeffersonville.
I should graduate by next year(as long as I don't fuck up), and by then
I really dont' know what the future holds. Certainly, I would like to
a proffession for a few years. It hasn't ever been my intend to go to
college so that I could get a degree so I could work the rest of my life.
I've never been able to hold down a job unless I have a reason to work.
Without any goals, there isn't any motivation for me to work for workings
sake. I would like to finally get a job where I'm finally paid in yearly
terms(not hourly) and I actually do thinking on the job instead of mindless
do some stupid task over and over. But I don't see myself working for
a long time. Maybe 5-7 years, I want to save up a bunch of money maybe
buy something really big for my parents( seeing how they probably pay
upwards of 40,000 for me to go to college) then just take off and do something
profound. What is it? I don't know...Maybe I'll stop talking about doing
it, and finally make some efforts toward trying to pursue a career in
the game industry.
Like I said, who knows what the future will bring. Maybe I won't move
away from this area. I don't really see that happening though as I don't
think there are many places around Jeffersonville that you can do something
with a Computer Science/Math degree.
Well, that's about as much introspection I'm going to have about my life
for awhile. Hopefully it won't be too long before I will get to post another
entry to my blog, but who knows. If you're one of those people from Jeff
reading this, I'll see you guys pretty soon. This is the big SC signin'
off.
'Til we meet again,
[+++++++___]
[4/29/2002 1:16:45 AM | Shawn Conn]
Waking Up, and Chilling Out:
Three days left, at this time 3 days from now I won't be here. Thank god.
It's taken forever to get to the final strech.
The order of the day has been a Big Mac with fries....um no I mean it
has been nothing...nothing at all. I've just been sitting on my ass and
sleeping. I took a final on Saturday, it wasn't as hard as I thought it
was going to be. I spent 3 hours for studying and I was able to rock the
exam hard. Go me!
I guess it was bound to happen, but I've caught the cold or whatever Alex
has. Well sorta anyway. I don't really feel that bad and my nose only
gets partially congested, I guess my immune system is doing a pretty good
job at fighting them off.
Hmm...well I thought I had more to say but it turns out I don't. Before
I rock out of here, I'll leave you with a small epic story known as "A
Day as Shawn Conn" that's kinda like those choose your own adventures
books except all your choices really suck(but you can act like you can
do anything!). Without further ado...
A Day as Shawn Conn
"You take the point," you hear as your lucidity is staring to fade way.
You wake realizing that Alex is still playing CounterSuck on his PC. You're
still sleepy so you say fuck this and go back to sleep. But it isn't long
before you find yourself unable to sleep any more so you get up. You're
sorta hungry, but there's nothing to eat in your dorm. "Fuck a duck" you
think to yourself as you hop onto your PC looking to see what MP3s are
missing from your collection. As you are doing that, Alex finally decides
he should go to sleep you get back on his computer. You then promptly
hop onto his PC and then start transferring more MP3s back to your computer
that you lost Friday. The hours of bordem pass a way as you stare with
your glazed eyes at your PC while browsing the Internet. You soon realize
this blows however and you want some food damnit. You decide to get up
take a shower and go some where to eat. After you get ready, you walk
outside of Hawkins to Chauncy Hill a block or two away. You think about
where you should go to eat.....
You goto Taco Bell (goto Page 2)
You goto Fazoli's (goto Page 3)
__________________________
(Page 2)
"Fuck, Taco Bell is closed" you say to yourself. Ever so hungry you continue
on only to find there is no place that's open. You go back home
goto page 4
______________________________
(Page 3)
"Fuck, Fazoli's is closed" you say to yourself. As you turn around you
hear in a sterotypical Italian accent "Heya, why donchu come back when
we're open, eh?"
goto page 4
______________________________
(Page 4)
You go back home still hungry. You throw yourself on your bed and watch
some TV. To your astonishment, everything on TV sucks. You switch the
station to MTV and to you start to watch ET(Entertainment Tonight,not
the lovable Alien) on MTV. You then realize that the people at MTV are
geniouses. They have managed to change the law of conversation of Mass&Energy.
They took a half a pound of shit and added to another half pound of shit
and came up with 2 pounds of shit, thereby managing to create a pound
of shit out of nothing. You soon realize however that MTV isn't anything
but they same recycled shit as is ET. You then conclude MTV is total shit
and move on. Sooner or later Alex's alarm clock goes off. You wake him
up. It takes much provoking but you finally do it. You watch more TV.
You turn it to PBS and listen about how people decide to use cockroaches
DNA to be at time capsule for the NY Times. Your amazed for a second,
then you realize Fazoli's should be open by now. You go there and get
food and come back to your room. You fuck around on your PC for a bit,
but then you become sleepy because it's so boring. You hop in your bed
and go to sleep.
You sleep as best you can but you have a congested nose so you keep waking
up because its hard to breath. You watch a little TV. The first thing
you see when you turn on the TV is the horrible movie Striking Distance.
It's right at the point where the villian comes out of the river with
his still-working tazer. You think to yourself..."Aww fuck no!" You go
back to sleep. You have weird dreams about being stuck in a parking garage
with your friends. Kind of like that episode of Seinfeld minus the laugh
track. You wake up again. Your balls itch.
You scratch your balls with your left hand(goto page 6)
You scratch your balls with your right hand(goto page 5)
________________________
(page 5)
"Ahh that felt good" you think to yourself now as you wonder now what
should do. You don't have anything fun to do so you just go back to sleep.
You'll end up resting well that day with your tummy full and your balls
fully scratched. The world is now fully safe from terrorism. Times are
good. It's a party 24/7 around the world. Life is good........
THE END
________________________
(page 6)
Your about to reach for your balls when the door flies open. It's a pirate!
He says "arr....matey it time for you to die." You quickly go for Alex's
sword and swashbuckle with do all that swordfighting shit. You then realize
I don't know how to sword fight as he stabs you in the arm. "It's time
to end this", he says as he throws your body out the window and rides
you to the ground like a surfboard. The fall nearly kills you but your
still alive...barely. The pirate, who strangely enough has a name tag
that says "Hello My Name is Joe" is about to finish you off when Osama
Bin Laden shows up in a Rolls Royce. He sudden throws a Osamarang, which
is just like a batarang that Batman has except that it's in the shape
of a small turban, at the Joe the pirate's sword and it flies out of Joe's
hands. Osama then whistles, a group of about 3 terrorists jump out of
the car and run toward the building with dynamite strapped to them. Hawkins
Grad House is instansly is devasted. Thanks to your actions, terrorism
will reign in the free world again.
THE END
Hope you liked it as much as I liked writing it....Peace!
[++++++____]
[4/26/2002 8:07:36 AM | Shawn Conn]
Happy Birthday to My Face:
Yesterday was my birthday for those of that it was unbeknownst to. It
was rather uneventful, my mom called me up to wish me a happy birthday.
I got some letters in the mail from my family. And I got a little present
that order for myself. It's an adapter that will let you plugin N64/PlayStation
controllers into a USB port. I had fun playing around with it yesterday.
It's perfect for emulators. I didn't have a N64 controller so I had to
use a PS controller to play Mario 64, it's was kinda strange. I'm probably
going to pick a N64 controller soon so I can play in fully N64 glory.
The rest of yesterday was pretty uneventful. I turned in the last of my
homework, went to a stupid class, and went to sleep for a while...so much
fun. I did my laundry when I got up. Fucked with my project for a bit
than just wasted alot time playing around on the computer.I also started
to pack up my stuff to go back home. Right now, the only things I haven't
got packed up is my PS2,my summer clothes, and my PC. All my other shit
I've put into boxes ready to be hauled off(not before I grab my sawed-off
though).
This weekend is going to be pretty rough. I've got to finish my compiler
and at the same time take Final on Saturday. I'm not too worried about
final, but I'm not sure about getting the project done. I've past the
point of worrying about it so whatever happens happens. It doesn't matter.
Hey What the Fuck was Yesteryday about?
If you curious what the hell was yesterday's post about, it was something
from Resident Evil. One the abundant cliches to be found in "survival
horror games"(a genre brought back to life by Resident Evil BTW) is that
almost everyone keeps a diary/journal in the world. Why? I don't know.
I guess it's a good way to reveal mysteries without having to change the
course of the story(It makes alot more sense if you've played one of those
games). Anyway, that entry I posted last time was from some guy in Resident
Evil that eventually becomes a Zombie. You progress through the journal
and you can tell by his writing how is mind is progressing to further
states of Zombihood or whatever you want to call it. Creepy huh?
I don't really find Zombies and their ilk that creepy(In my opinion Silent
Hill is so much better than Resident Evil because of this plus a number
of other reasons), but it is interesting to read a person's writing to
get a sense of their state of mind. Kind of like your doing now, right?
Fadin' Out
I don't know if there's anything more to talk about. I'm just so excited
that's there only 5 days left. I expect some fun to happen this summer,
it will be a joyous time for all filled with not working on a compiler
or any other stupid homework. Actually, as soon as I get back I've been
thinking about planning the final Deathmatch Deathfest that Len and I
talked about doing last year but never really got the chance to due to
unforseen circumstances. There will definately be one more this summer,
I just don't know when and where. I guess I'll worry about that when I
get home.
Hmm...looking at the clock now. I think I should get more sleep before
my last 2 classes of the semester. I need to be well rested for all the
stuff I'm going to do tonight. This is where I make my fairwell...
The end is near, embrace it.
[+++++++___]
[4/25/2002 5:24:50 AM | Shawn Conn]
Fever Gone, but Itchy.
Hungry so eat doggie food.
Itchy, Itchy Scott Came.
Ugly Face So Killed Him.
Tasty.
[++++++____]
[4/23/2002 11:15:05 PM | Shawn Conn]
Same Shit, New Day:
I ended up sleeping for about 12 hours today. Missing my 1030 class, I
slept until around 330 at which point I decided I should get up and go
to atleast one class. I know I should be more concerned but I'm so tired
of this stuff I dont' really care all that much anymore. I've actually
been more concerned with getting all the stuff I want from the Internet
before I go back home(at which point I don't even think I'll have a 56K
connection). I was throttling my connection all last night downloading
episodes of Ranma 1/2 and N64
ROMs.
Mini Plug:
While I'm talking about downloading shit. I think I should mention KaZaa
Lite yet another file sharing program. If you're familar with Morpheous,
it's the same technology that it was built on before changed to using
the Gnutella network(which just happened to be at the same time it began
to suck balls). Well if you download KaZaa, you'l find not only do you
get a filesharing program but a program that introduces a bunch of stupid
little programs that are absolutely worthless(some of which the KaZaa
doesn't even tell you about installing). KaZaa Like is the fix for that,
all the fun of pirating without the crapware!
Back to Life:
When I woke up I was wondering why I had slept so much. I think alot of
times I have more fun in my dreams than I do when I'm awake. I don't remember
any of the stuff I dreamt about(all I have are fragments of what I remember),
but there's something just so appealing about the bizarro non-logical
world of dreams. I guess it's pretty pathetic sounding, but hey such is
my life. I'm enjoying it, that's all that matters : )
Oh yeah, it's going to be my birthday pretty soon. Like 2 days soon, unfortunately.
It's going to be pretty lame as the only thing I'll be doing that day
is working on school stuff that I'm already sick of doing. Its seems like
I've done nothing but bitch about school. It's not that bad, it's just
that I've felt maybe disappointed with the result of the semester. Not
really gradewise, (I'm probably looking at 3 B's and a C) but changes
that I've made as a person. I haven't really bettered myself in anyway.
I don't know what you would call that feeling, but it's made me look upon
myself and where I'm at in college to try to think at where I'm going(I''ve
only got one year left here).
I ended up taking Computer Science because it was the closest thing to
the only passion in life, video games. At the time, computers were new
and interesting to me. Well here it is almost 4 years later. I know almost
everything there is to know about the modern computer and looking at that
I feel pretty proud of myself. I'm not really any step closer toward my
goal of working in the game industry, but I feel pretty knowledge on what
there is needed to know about computing(besides a degree in computer science
is a step toward that goal).
My interest in Computer Science is waning however. The situation reminds
me of something Nolan Bushnell(fthe founder of Atari) said. He was talking
about something mentioned in the game industry alot: the learning curve.
It's a graph of how much time you spend Vs. how much new material you
learn(i.e. the steeper the curve the more stuff new stuff you're learning).
He basically said for any subject the learning is very steep up to the
90% point. That is about 90% of the stuff you can learn about a subject
you learn it at quite a fast rate because there's so much new stuff to
be introduced. When you hit that point it begins to level off pretty quick
so if you wanted to hit the 100% mark it takes a much longer time than
it does to go from 0% to 90%. He said the interesting part is always on
the 90% of the curve, after that point things start to become much slower
and not nearly as exciting.
That's where I am in my CS career I think. I'm getting pretty close to
that 90% and I feel that I'm not learning alot of new things anymore.
It's starting to get old and I just don't really care anymore.
Hopefully the summer break will put me in better spirts and make me a
little more excited about school. But right now, I'm just not sure of
anything. No use in worrying about it though. I guess I'll just have to
see how things turn out....
[+++++++___]
[4/20/2002 6:14:21 AM | Shawn Conn]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've already spent another 4 hours on my project so I thought I would
take a break. You're probably saying "Shawn, what the hell is with the
#'s at the top?" Well it's a program to computer the sum of 1x1 + 2x2
+ ... + 100x100 in MIPS code. I thought I would show it to you guys because
when I saw it in the MIPS refrence book for my compiler class it reminded
me why I still like doing computer science. There's just something so
cool about taking what seems like chaos and making order from it.
People think that computer science people might only use one part of their
brain but its far from the truth. A big part of computer science is abstract
thinking. It's amazing that we take a method or process of doing something,
write it in a programming language, then convert that to a series of two
digits that still represent the same think. The step along the way of
doing this require much abstract thinking about how to represent numbers,
mathematical operations, and all kinds of other things.
What's more amazing is we can find this stuff all around us. Our DNA inside
or physics of universe can be broken down to simple rules that can be
used to explain the disorder we see in genetic code or in the events of
the physical objects around us. I know Alex would bitch if he read this,
but I do believe that there is a god. Maybe not exactly like the one major
religons describe, but it seems to me all the order we find around us
isn't just the result of random events. There definately appears to be
some kind of engineering-esqe structure to everything we find in the world
that couldn't just happen to be a matter of fate. If I had to choose a
religon it would probably be Taoism because it probably comes as close
to everything I believe about the world and what it is. The only probably
I have with saying that I'm part of a religion is that I believe strongly
in the idea of "the only thing you can be sure of is you can be sure of
nothing." What we know now, might not neccesarily true the next day. I
like to keep a open mind about things, so I would find it hard to label
myself with a certain belief.
Hmm, lets see what else is there to talk about. Ahh yeah. If you haven't
noticed I've added Alex's blog
to my list. It's quite a big post he just posted. It's worth checking
out. Alex is my closest friend, he's the brother I didn't have. We've
been through alot together. If you both know us you'd probably be surprised
because we seem like we're nothing alike. But we have alot in common with
another. About the only difference between us is that he's more naturally
outgoing than I am. I have a little theory about that.
Pretty much everyone(unless they never grew up with them) is the product
of their parents. Both our parents are very similar personality wise.
His dad is a really alcoholic, sociable(sp?), joking, person who has the
do it himself attitude which is probably why his own business. My mom
is pretty much the same type of personality. The only difference is his
dad likes to fuck with people alot just because he gets a kick out of
it. Mom probably doesn't do that because she has a more sensistive side
to her, but that type of personality still runs on that side of my family.
My Grandfather used to piss me off so much because he knew how to do it
so well. If she wasn't so sensitive she'd probably be the same way.
That would explain why Alex likes to be asshole with people so much whereas
I have a more sympathetic attitude toward people.
But he's not totally insensitive, he just doens't show that side of himself
that often.
I don't know his mom at all, but from what I've heard about her(and from
talking to her on the phone). She's a very kind sensitive person. I don't
know if she's very outgoing or not but I'd imagine she is just because
Alex is. That's probably where he gets that side of his personality from.
I on the other hand get that sensitive side from both my dad and my mom.
But I'm kind of torn outgoing-wise because my dad is quite a shy person
where my mom is quite the outgoing person.
That's why I think we are such good friends. We both have somewhat a similar
background, we also get what we think we lack by hanging out with each
other. I become more open sometimes and (though he doesn't show it often)
he becomes more caring about people. It's a interesting friendship we
have.
Anyway, I've rambled on for quite enough tonight. I've got to get sleep
so I can work on my project. Be well,
[++++++____]
[4/19/2002 2:55:43 AM | Shawn Conn]
Sound Blaster Drivers: Win 2Killa
File this one under cliche#345: "If It Ain't Broke Don't Fix it."
I woke up quite late this afternoon for some reason it felt like a Friday.
I slept until like 12:00 thus missing my 10:30 class. When I woke and
realized it wasn't Friday I had about 3 hours to complete my homework.
Luckily, I was able to get it done in about an hour. With a few spare
hours on my hand, I found myself fucking around on the computer. At some
point, despite the fact that I already had trouble with them in the first
place, I decided it be a good idea to update my drivers for my sound card.
It was such a BAD IDEA. After installing and rebooting, Win 2K would die
at login. I ended up spending the next 2 hours trying to fix it. Luckily
I was able to fix it later on that night but not before alot work and
reasoning. I guess it was all good in the end. File that one under: #45
"With out pain and suffering we would have nothing."
Later on that night I would end up taking a EE270 exam which I know I
bombed. File that one under G for Gabage then file it under I for I don't
give a fuck anymore.
Random little Tidbits:
I finally got my new sbb email. I can now send and receive mail from [email protected]
w00t! Yahoo can go fuck off with their $30/yr cost for POP3 mail. I wipe
my ass with Yahoo.
Oh yeah...
Corporal Dan movies!
Back in the day at PC Gamer Online(Back before Shitty Daily Radar demolished
it) they had all kinds of cool stuff there. One of them was a series of
movies by one of the editors(his name escapes me bull you'll find him
in the credits somewhere) that involved a character named Corporal Dan.
It turned into a small series which I recommend you watch. I can't explain
it, you just have to see it yourself. I reccomend you watch them in order
that I listed(which is the order they were released).
Well that's it for now. I had some more to say, but I've got some stuff
to do. I'll have more soon enough = )
Til' next time...
[++++++____]
[4/17/2002 7:05:33 PM | Shawn Conn]
I'm so sick of school...It can't be over soon enough. I had a lab today
for EE270. I didn't feel like going so... I didn't. That will make 3 labs
that I've missed. So I guess I've have gotten 100/130 for the lab part
of the class which I think takes up 20% of the class. I don't really care
about it all that much, it's a non-major course and I've spent way more
time in the class than I should have. It's interesting stuff and the lab
can be fun, but when you have to wake up at fucking 730 it isn't...That
reminds me I think I have a 730 for a CS lab next year, I'm getting that
changed.
On that note, that's one of the things that I missed at IU. You got to
choose when your classes are. It was alot less restricted and you actually
were the one who signed up for it, not asking your advisor to do it for
you like it is here. I hate fucking 730 classes, I don't like being up
that late. period. I don't see why we just can't sign up for the times
when we want.
But it's almost over. Maybe if I just keep saying that it will make things
better, it never does though...
I've added a few more things to the sidebar. Most notably among them is
the page for the mailing
list I set up. I used to send all kinds of mass email back in the
day, but as time went on I just had less and less things to say. I used
to keep people updated on things going on in my life, but I guess this
blog fills that gap so it made emailing people irrelevant. In a way, I
still wanted to send out some random stuff to people that they would see
coming. That's probably the only reason I wanted to keep the mailing list.
That and the fact that I'm changing my email service away from Yahoo so
I wanted another way to keep track of my friends' email addresses. Half
the email addresses that I had left in Outlook no longer exists. It's
so hard to keep with so many people that I guess I'm going to give up
trying to. I informed all the people that still had an email address of
the list, so the ball is in their court now. I don't see many people signing
up for it though. Right now it's me, Jessica, and Will. We'll see what
happens...
Hmm lets see what else...Teddy IMed today about something he wanted me
to release to the masses. I'm going to keep it a secret, but he's going
to send it to me soon then I'll post a link to everyone when I get it
digitized.
That's about all I have. Well, I guess one more thing. Another MP3.
Confusion(The Pump Panel Reconstruction Remix!) by New Order. It's quite the epic
techno song. If you've seen the movie Blade you'll probably recognize
it instantly. I didn't really care much for the movie, but the opening
scenes were this music is playing and Blade is kicking some ass were pretty
awesome. Enjoy.
Be well...
[+++++_____]
[4/16/2002 3:32:50 AM | Shawn Conn]
Well I'm back enjoying all the glory that's Win2K. Well, I guess not glory
but its definately above Windows 98. It's taken me pretty much two days
to get everything up and running. It probably wouldn't of been that long
but there was an intial problem getting the installer working. Booting
from floppies, copied CDRs, the boot program on the hard drive all failed
on me. Eventually I was able to figure out the problem. My hard drive
and DVD drive are on the seperate RAID card built into my motherboard.
Win2K can't boot from a device that it doesn't have drivers for( my RAID
device) so it's kind of a catch 22 situation. To get the drives to boot
windows up you have to install the drivers, but to install the drivers
you got to be working in Windows. So after some fancy swip swapping and
some other stuff which is too lengthy in detail I got everything back
on the level. The performance is much better than Windows 98 can dream
of. For example, if you have more than 256MB of RAM in Windows 98 performance
actually goes down and your system reliability will actual drop(freezing
and crashing are likely). And if you want to use more than 512MB, forget
about it.
But all that crap is in the past now. Now with Win2K I can get gobs and
gobs of RAM. Right now I have 768MB of RAM. More than you can shake a
stick at. And unlike Win 98, it doesn't some how eat half of it up despite
the fact that theres only like 6 programs running.It's great stuff.
Computer stuff aside, I haven't really been doing anything else than that.
I didn't go to class yesterday. I was tired after spending the whole weekend
on the project(which I'm not sure I got everything working but oh well),I
didn't feel like going to class. I didn't miss much so I don't really
have to worry about it. There isn't much left to do in my classes some
homework, and a lab, and the project of course, but that's about it.
Well there only about one thing left. It's just a funny little side note
before the end. If you've noticed the webtracker someone has came across
this page by search for "Camel Cash" and "Pool Table" heh. Looks like
I have more competiton than I thought. That's all I got, I'm pretty sleep
and I've got class at 10:30 I'll see all you people later. Have fun...
[++++++____]
[4/14/2002 2:58:47 AM | Shawn Conn]
Mo' Bloggin!
Or more like no bloggin'
Fucking Windows 98 blows. I just finished posting a entry only for the
fucking computer to freeze on me. I wipe my ass with Windows 98. If I
saw Bill Gates I would have to bust out my f,d,d/f, N, 2 then D,1+4 on
his ass,
Well I'm not going to write the whole thing over so I'll give you the
abridged version...
*Shawn was called yesterday by his mom who thought he was depressed with
school and things. She has talked to Ted and he apparently he thought
my blog entries sound like I'm depressed. To a degree, he is a little
depressed because of school. He feels a little lonely and wants a chicky
chick.
*Shawn kicked ass n' took names: He just got a new Record in Tekken Tag
Survivor. 75 Wins! Bitchin'!
*Shawn also is debating on whether he wants to get a Hori Tekken 4 arcade
stick or a modchip and a import copy of Tekken 4
Many will entry few will win. Tune in next time to see what he gets. Same
Rhyming time, Same Rhyming site
'Til Next time....
[+++++_____]
[4/12/2002 8:04:10 PM | Shawn Conn]
It is a slow slow day today. I haven't been up to much lately, same old
school work and whatnot.
19 days left, 15 assignments/tests left
*sigh* I wish it was over sooner, I can't stand this work. Yesterday was
my highlight of being social in a while. After talking to Prof. Korb I
was off to EE270 lecture when I saw Craig, Newt, Alex, Landis, and others
playing frisbee. I only stopped by momentarily, I left soon afterwards
because I wanted to get working more on the project and other homework
that was due.
That was pretty much the extend of the day. I'm debating whether I'm going
to do anything tonight, a part of me says yes but I've got to get things
done. I'll have plenty of time to party and have fun, but now's the time
to focus on important things. Soon it will be over and I'll be ouf of
this funk. I'm starting to feel lonely alot and its driving me nuts.
Well I'm starting to get sleepy...I think I'll get some rest. See ya guys
when I see ya.
[+++++_____]
[4/10/2002 5:27:04 PM | Shawn Conn]
Coming to you at the Speed of Bordom:
I'm not sure what that speed is but I'm pretty sure its around the same
speed of the Purdue network....slow. It's not that bad, but it's pretty
damn slow today. I couldn't go to many sites. They just kept timing out
so I said fuck it. I just finished up all but 2 labs that's due this year
so I decided to do something else than just do more work here in the PUCC
labs. I didn't expect to get done so early. Now I'm just waiting here
for 2:30 to go to my Diff Eq. class.
Let's see...hmm...topics...
Ahh, here's one. I've probably touched on it before in some fashion, but
I'll give it another spin again....
So I was walking back home one day from compilers lecture and as I usually
find myself doing I was staring off into the void while listening to music
from my MP3 player. Like most people, when they are staring off into the
void they are thinking about something. As such was the case for me that
day...
|digression|
something that has always perplexed me is how we can be looking at something
but not really looking at it. You know how when people mentally
image something while just kinda ignoring what's going on around them.
That's what I mean. I always wondered if we are able to image two things
at once. Like be looking at something with detailed clarity and be thinking
of something with the exact same detailed clarity. I don't think that
we are just because it seems like with each of our senses a certain amount
of thought is dedicated to each depending on what the person decides to
notice. I find myself switching focus of my different senses often and
I've noticed that I tend to primarily focus on one sense primarily at
a time and ignore most of the others. I don't know about other people
though...anyway...
|digression|
...I was walking back home and in the little part of my visual sense that
I was noticing(I was starting to fall in to deeper thought about what
to do that day) I saw that some was toward my path. Normally, I don't
think much of it because alot of people cross my path on the way to class
and back home and what not but soon I noticed this person was actually
walking at me. It was then I shifted focus to my surroundings and noticed
it was Becky.
She's quite the upbeat person. Everytime she sees me she says I'm so pessimistic
and this time was no different. She said I looked quite unhappy. I told
her about my compilers class and that whole story and then she went on
about how I should keep a more positive attitude. The conversation didn't
go much beyond that as she had to leave soon afterwards, but I remembered
the closing lines...err perhaps summary of the conversation would be a
better term. It was something to the effect, think about the effect you
have on people when you look like that.
Woah...that was weird. Just that moment something weird just happened.
As I was breaking the line for a new paragraph. It felt like time jumped
into a few moments of the future. The first few words I was going to type
was already on the screen and the song in my MP3 player jumped a beat
or two...It was like a glitch in the Matrix or something...hmm...
So I was thinking about Becky said on my way back home. About how I look
having an effect on others. Now I've never really thought about it before,
but I'm sure it must do something. I don't try to look to unhappy but
I guess my natural state or attitude is melancholy. I remember taking
a personality test(one of many that I've taken) and that's what it described
me as.
I don't know what it is about me that makes my natural state melancholy
but I think it has something to do with the fact that I get bored alot
with life(That's probably while I sleep alot too). Certainly, I'm not
bored with everything. There are times when I can get incredible excited
with things and reach that oh so nice state of eurphoria, but sooner or
later that will probably be matched with the same about melancholy or
depression. You know, something like manic depressinism(if that's the
term).
Once I felt like I've done something so many times over and I don't feel
like there's anything new that's I'm learning from it I get bored quickly.
It's that way for alot of my daily routines, that's probably why I look
the way I do. :-/
I guess if I tried I could easily evoke or respark interest in anything
that goes on in my life, but I don't. Maybe i just don't want to set myself
up for dissappointment.
There are only a few things in life right now that would get me excited
if it came to my attetion:
A relationship- I think saying something to the effect of "If you're not
happy with yourself, being with someone isn't going to fix it" applies
here. Either way it's something I've never really experienced that much
of it. I think the only person to blame here is myself though. There have
been plenty of opportunites to get into one, I've just never really persued
them. I remember a good description in that aforementioned personality
test was that I choose my friends wisely and carefully. Even moreso probably
here, it's tough for me fall in love with someone. Thinking about it,
I can literally count with my hands how many people I've actually felt
something for.I feel the same way right now. Is that bad or good, I don't
know? I guess it is if you believe in true love or some junk like that.
But I dont know if I'm one of those people. It just leads to alot of frustration
for me...maybe things will be better soon
Video Games- I know it's really weird to have this in the same list but
it's true. Gaming is probably my only passion in life. There's something
about them that makes me feel so excited and alive when I'm playing games.
I've been thinking about this lately and I've think I've came to the conclusion
why it is.
I really like surreal things, the kind of stuff that's immpossible in
reality. Surrealism is taking everything we know about the world around
us and leaving it behind. Looking around I can easily get bored with the
same day to day stuff I see around me but its not that way in games. Gaming
gives me a whole new set of eyes in a different world where there's all
kinds of things to learn. The same surreal stuff I like elsewhere applies
moreso here. There's just something exciting about a whole new world to
play in that makes it leaps and bounds more exciting than the same day
to day things here.
That's why I the only reason I went to computer science. Its about the
closest thing there's related to getting a career in the game industry.
I keep saying that's my long term goal, but I never do anything about
it. I should. I have alot of creative energy to use. There's so much I've
learned from gaming for 14 years that I could do. Video Games are wasted
art. There's so much that could be done that people don't do with them.
As writer/game designer Chris Carter
puts it:
Imagine going to world where the only form of written art is comic books.
Sure they're fun but there's so much else that these people don't know
about that you could introduce them to: fictional and nonfictional novels,
magazines, newspapers, poetry, etc. That's the state video games are in.
There is so much that could be done with a interactive medium that could
go way beyond what TV and books do but doesn't.
That's the kind of excitement I feel about video gaming...
...whew. That was alot. I don't know if I'll be able to write much more
for a few days. Anyway keep on rocking people. I'm outie...
[+++++++___]
[4/9/2002 4:56:34 PM | Shawn Conn]
Once again, I'm killing time before my EE270 class. Bored, bored, bored
I am. I played some Tekken but I think I'm getting tired of it. Blasphemy!
Well I guess maybe it's that I feel like I should be doing something else
with all the stuff I'll have due soon. Anyway, it will be done. Maybe
I'll get more excited about Tekken once Tekken 4 hits the PS2, hopefully
it will be out before the summer is over.
In other news, I'm almost done with school. I went to see my advisor today.
After analyzing and checking off a bunch of stuff or something she ended
up calling my previous advisor about the CS credits that transfered from
IU. They way they talked before, I wasn't going to get any credit for
those classes because this CS Dept. is supposed to be so damn good( It
might be if the TAs were actually helpful- which they aren't). Luckily,
I save all my work from my previous classes. I showed to Buster Dunsmore,
the head of the CS Dept, and he said it looked good, but they never really
said what would happen to me creditwise. Well, Janice talked to them and
she said it would be ok if those credits went toward the CS classes. Meaning
I won't have to take a ton of upper-level classes for my major. Yahoo!
As it stands, I need to take:
CS354 (Operating Systems) ,CS414 (Numerical Methods) , 3 other upper level
CS courses (15credits)
A Lab Science and a Gen. Education course (6 credits)
MA 362(Vector Calculus), MA353 (Linear Algebra II: When Matrices Attack)
(6 credits)
and J201(3rd semseter Japanese), J202(4th semester Japanese) (8 credits)
I ended up signing for CS354, some easy Geology class or something, MA
353, and some intro to database course. I didn't want to take it but I
need to have 2 CS courses and they didn't offer anything else in the departments.
Weak....
I don't really care anymore at this point. I just want to be done. I was
unsure about the foreign language credits though. I didn't take Japanese
201(or finish I should say) because the stuff is a bit over my head. I
guess I can keep up if I try, but there's so much work. It seems like
Newt always has work in that class. Janice suggested that may I start
taking another language, but fuck that I'm already half way there I might
as well finish it. All I got to do is get a D in the class anyways. I
don't look forward to the work, I'm probably going to be busy enough as
it is with out all the homework. But I've gotta do what I gotta do I guess....
Oh yeah, if you haven't seen the SBB webtracker or the webtracker for
this page, I suggest giving them a look. It's fun stuff. It gives you
all kinds of fun statistical info n' stuff. Like who's visited the page,
from where, with what computer, how they got to the page in the first
place, and more. Its really interesting how you can tell who's been to
the site. For example, I was looking at the SBB tracker and I came across
some accessing the page from walloffire.bellarmine.edu. I thought it was
hilliarious that some stole my naming convention( if you don't know what
I talking about see "What I've learned from being on this planet for 21
years" on the sidebar) at Bellarmine. I digress though, with some pretty
simple deduction(she's the only person I know who goes to Bellarmine)
I figured it out that it was Emily access the page from school. I also
noticed a few entries above there was a indiana.edu address with the same
method I was able to figure out it was Kim. I was right in both cases,
go me!
Try it out, if you look at it right now you'll probably see your own IP
address....
Like usual, I had more to say but it's almost time for EE270 lecture....til
next time.
[+++++_____]
[4/7/2002 10:39:20 PM | Shawn Conn]
Stupid Compiler Rant:
Well, I didn't get my project done. I guess I should be mad, but I gave
up on that a little while ago. I spent the last 3 weekends and a couple
days during those weeks doing nothing but the project and I still didn't
get done. I don't know what to do now, it certainly isn't suppose to be
this hard. Maybe I'm just making it hard with all the other shit that's
due. Come to think of it, there really isn't anything difficult about
the project at all. I just keep hitting stupid errors along the way. The
biggest problem is that alot of the code is done for me so I don't understand
every piece of it.
It also doesn't help that keep getting shitty grades on the project. I've
gotten a 10(which I know is wrong), 86,21,0 on my last 4 phases all of
those which I think is wrong. I look at the reports and nothing make sense,
why I should get those many errors. I chalk up to the stupid way things
are graded in CS classes here at Purdue. No human, every looks at my code
or output. All they do is run a grade script and check to see if the output
is what they want. It's ircomprehendibly stupid. I learn nothing from
it at all. The TAs are no help whatsoever when I ask them and try to get
some answers on the grading process. Any thing positve I ever said about
Purdue's CS department I totally recant. I wipe my ass with this CS dept.
I learned so much more at my classes at IU then I did here. The TAs(AI
I guess they call them), could explain topics well and actually looked
at your code and tried to help you. Here you get none of that. They can
barely discuss the topic in the PSOs let alone explain stuff clearly.
Luckily the proffessor is excellent and I can rely on him for answers.
I'm going to talk to Proffessor Korb(again) and see what he thinks about
this whole shitty project grades thing. He's been saying throughout this
whole thing that the later phases are worth much more points and that
he puts much emphasis on getting the project done. If I can still pass
the class by finishing the last phase. I'll dedicate the last 3 weeks
left of classes on getting the project done(it's already close to it).
Otherwise, I dunno. Fuck it, I don't care. I know the material, I know
how every piece of the compiler works(if I had enough time and had decent
way of debugging in every situation I would of had it done by now),but
I've gotten what I wanted to know about the subject in this class. I don't
a piece of shit test, or stupid letter on a grade report to tell me what
I know. Whatever happens, happens.
One last thing, I will never mention another damn word in my blog about
this project. There so many better things to write about than this boring
junk.
And that's the bottom line because Shawn Conn said so....
Other Stuff:
Whew....I don't know if I can follow that up with anything else. The rest
of my day has been so uneventful. I spent most of the day sleeping after
working so much last night.I woke up and I played some games. I don't
think I've played anything since last Sunday. My game is still not off
in Tekken I see. I kicked mo ass. In fact, I think I've done better than
I ever done before against the CPU on Ultra Hard. It's nice to see my
Tekken is still strong.
Random Thought:
I sure had a huge amount of ear wax in my ears today. I don't know where
it came from. I took a shower Friday and I havent really been doing anyting
that should made me that dirty. It was weird. I was thinking about what
Craig said a while back and he was right. Ear wax is really a weird color
and it's pretty damn strange what comes from our bodies. Like all the
hair, fingernails, and other stuff. It's really weird to look at hair
sometime and just see what it looks like and to think that your body generates
thousands of them.
Hmm...other stuff to talk about...Oh yeah, that other thing Craig mentioned
a while back. A few weeks ago I was talking to him and he said, after
he finished watching something about Hugh Hefner, that I has a alot of
similar facial gestures. I thought that was kind funny, I don't remember
all of what he looks like so I really don't can't really say for sure.
I don't see how there could be resemeblance, but then again I've never
seen him speak all that much. And for the record, I don't think I look
all that much like Henry
Rollins either.
It's funny, when I think of people's face some times I don't really have
in mind the whole picture. Just fragments of facial parts. I've realized
that alot of times, that it doesn't take along before I start to forget
what people look like if I haven't seem them in a while. Like all my friends
back at home, I would have to think a moment before I could conjure up
an image of them.
Closing Story:
Well I had another strange dream the other night. It was definately much
longer than what I remember but that's standard with most dreams. What
I do remember at some point Alex, Michelle and I were being held hostage
by Columbian drug lords, in my own house of all of places. I think they
were the Columbians from GTA3, but I couldn't remember all that well.
Anyway we were in the kitchen tied up and I think it was after they left
to go make a drug deal or something that we ended up breaking free of
the rope . I thought that it was pretty silly of them to leave us here.
I then came to the conclusion it must be some kind of trap. Sure enough,
when I looked out side in the front and back of my house there big white
vans there that were obviously filled with Columbians. Foiled! At that
point, Alex said he was going to try to escape through the roof. I thought
it was silly so Michelle and I went down stairs and waited for him to
find out that there is no exit on the 2nd floor of my house. While we
were waiting, I decided it best to make out with Michelle. While that
was going on, I remember looking up at the ceiling and when I looked back
at her I realized that it was Emily not Michelle. So I was like ok that's
fine, and we went back at it. Soon afterwards, Alex came through the door
in a very Krameresqe fashion to report that there was no way to get out
of the roof. It was at that point I suggested we take the window in my
room to get out because obviously they wouldn't see us leaving the side
of the house. I was the first out the window, when I turned around to
help Alex and Michelle or Emily( I couldn't decide who it was at that
point) I realized they were gone. I figured the Columbians must of got
them so I headed to the next yard over where I found a jumbo jet to escape.
I don't remember the actually mechanics of it, but at some point I took
off and fled to safety. Once I was out of danger, I realized that I had
no where to park this thing. So I went back toward my house and just kinded
of glided to the ground. When I actually hit the ground I didn't really
crash, just kind of bounced everywhere until the plane stopped. It was
at that point I think I woke up....
Heh, well that's it. See you guys later...
[++++++____]
[4/4/2002 2:52:13 PM | Shawn Conn]
Well I was planning to work on my compiler more, but I don't really have
any motivation as of right now. I just got from an exam not too long ago.
I think I did ok on it. There were 1 or 2 questions that I feel like I
didn't get right but all the others I was pretty sure of. I'm just glad
it's over. I was up since 5 am studying for it. For some reason or another
I woke up around 4:30-5:00 and I just couldn't get back to sleep. My sleep
cycle has become erradtic like that.
I don't know what it is, but lately I felt like nothing around me is real.
It's like I'm always in a dream like state or something. It's a funny
feeling. Speaking of which, my dreams of late have been pretty sporadic
with various themes. Usually, whatever that has been on my mind alot is
usually what I dream about. Lately, it's been about alot about people
and other random things that I really haven't thought about in a while.
I understand the dreams about people. It's probably because I feel lonely
alot. The highlight of me being social throughout the day is talking to
Alex or maybe a couple words to some people in class, that's about the
extent of it. As for the random other stuff, who knows? The other night,
my dream was about Tekken sorta. It really wasn't the fighting game that
remember, it was more like a 3rd person action game(like tomb raider)
with Tekken characters in it. That's about the best I can explain it.
The two nights before that it was about random episodes of Ranma
1/2(it's a really silly anime series if you don't know what it is.
I'd reccomend checking it out sometime), actually I don't think they were
episodes but just a series of events that just made up in my head. Either
way, I haven't seen a episode of Ranma in forever why I thought to dream
about it is anyone's guess....
If any of you heard me ranting about my noisy fan, I had just recently
got it fixed. I got a hold of Creative Labs support and the people were
nice enough to send me a replacement fan which is pretty surprising consider
the video card is a OEM model(the type they sell in bulk to computer manufactues
and don't offically support with customer service) and at no cost to boot.
They offically get The Man with the Name that Rhymes's certified stamp
of approval if you're looking to buy one of their products.
Hmm...I thought I more stuff in mind to talk about but my mind has started
to wander. For awhile, I was just kinda staring off into space. I guess
I'm just trying to kill the time until my next class: EE270. I guess I
could be doing work, but like said before I'm not really motivated right
now...
...
...
...
...
...
*awkward pause*
...
...
...
...
...
Well since I have nothing better to do, I guess I could share some MP3s
with you guys. Here's two for the week I missed:
The first one is from a movie soundtrack that I've been listening alot
to lately: Snatch. If you haven't seen the movie, it's I guess what they
call Film Noir or Hard Boiled Fiction( though this term is used more for
novels than it is for books). I learned all about this stuff in the English
Comp. class I had at IU(which was pretty damn good by the way). I could
go on and on about the genre and what I learned from the class, but I
think I'm going to try to keep it short today.
Anyway, the song is called Disco
Science from the artist Mirwais. It's a nice slow paced, eletronic
song. If you remember the point in the movie where those dogs were chasing
the rabit, that's the song.
The other song is from my vast game music collection( which I've recently
tabulated now makes up 66% of my collection).This one is from the Final
Fantasy VIII soundtrack:The
Man with the Machine Gun by the one and only Nobuo Uematsu.
It's funny, but I think I ended up liking the music more than I did the
game. Not that the game was bad but there were some really noticible flaws
with the story(which is pretty much the heart of the game) that kept it
from being the same caliber as VII and VI. One of the parts I do remember
about the story that I liked was that it would change the plot and continuity
of the story abbrubtly to another character called Laguna. It didn't make
sense at first, but later on you saw how the 2 plot lines would converge.
The Man With the Machine Gun is Laguna's Theme which played during battles
with Laguna in them. I can't discribe why I like the music so much, other
than the fact that how the music is introduced is such a different pace
than what I was accustomed to. I have 2 versions of the songs, the orchestrated
and non orchestrated. Both are great. I chose to go with the non-orchestrated
because the orchestrated version is much much better I think if you're
accustomed to the original version.
Well that's about all I have...I guess I'm going to have to find some
more stuff to do. Later on people.
[++++++____]
[4/2/2002 10:15:05 AM | Shawn Conn]
This is an early post for me I couldn't get much sleep last night so I
though I would post some stuff before my class
The Compiler front is looking much better, I'm almost done with generating
IR trees and I should be getting started on the translator phase before
the weeks over(that's where I translate the IR tree into assembly code)
and that part should be easy because we already sort of have a template
for us.
Here's the low down on my compiler:
It compiles a simple language called PT made specifically for this class
into MIPS(Million Instruction Per Second) assembly
-Most the program is written in Java though the scanner and the parser
are special files that have their own syntax because they are sent to
a Scanner and Parser generating program
-The main program(the one that takes the input files) is about 120 lines
of code, it calls all the objects that make up the compiler
-The scanner(the part breaks down the input file text into recognizable
symbols) is about 477 lines of code, though the actual code is probably
3-4 times that size because the file that has the scanner information
is sent to a program that generates Java code for it
-The parser(the part that takes the symbols and breaks it into grammar
rules) is about 380 rules, but like the scanner it's sent to another program
that after the program is done with it the Java code is about 3-4 times
as long and is broken up into different files
-The translator(the part that take the AST generated by the parser and
converts it to IR trees while at the same time checking semantic rules)
is the biggest part of the compiler. It's 1408 lines long(and it's not
even finished) and relies on two other data structures that I've written(which
together total around 200 lines of code). All of the translator stuff
is in Java so I don't have to worry about converting that stuff. Because
it's in Java it's easy to handle while debugging and has made the process
much easier than the previous steps.
...So adding it all up it will probably be around 3000 lines of code before
I start generating assembly code. Then there's the optimization...
It's funny how things seem to work themselves out sometime. Remember that
annoying fan problem I was talking about? It has dissappeared lately,
pretty funny indeed....
Random stuff
By tommorow there will only be 4 weeks left before I'm done with classes
for the year. Thank god...
In other news, my birthday is only 23 days. w00t! Not that it really matters,
I'll probably be busy so I won't get to do anything to celebrate it. Plus
turning 22 isn't really special. Nothing really special happens until
I hit 25, then I can legally run for a position in the House Congress.
Rock!
I've been looking up the release date for the PS2 release of Tekken 4
in the states(it's already out in Japan). I've seen dates that go back
as far as Sept. I seriously hope not. It doesn't seem like it would take
that long to get it here. Plus what would summer be without Tekken at
my house?
Ever since Alex has be fucking around with his computer, I've been wanting
to get a new one. Or at least just bulid one, it's fun stuff. I miss it.
Unfortunately I have no cash so that's not likely to happen soon. I have
however been thinking about a reformat of my hard drive. Win 98 SE is
on two years of install, and it's pathetically slow. I've been thinking
about going to Win 2K or XP but I'm not sure about either...compatibility
is my biggest issue with a upgrage. I guess I won't do it until I'm done
with this semester. I don't need to worry about doing all that work until
I get classes out of the way
I had more topics in mind, but 1015 is almost here and I've got to get
to class. I'll see you people laters
[++++++____]
[3/31/2002 7:02:16 AM | Shawn Conn]
When the going gets tough, the tough get going...
I wonder how many stupid cliche phrases like that people have stored in
their mind. I bet there's tons of theme. Anyway, I think that's the theme
for this weekend is, surprisingly enough, time spent on....the compiler.
Luckily, the end is near in sight. Right now I'm generating fragments
of IR trees which is just a arm reach away from assembly code. Almost
there...but enough about that, I'm sure it doesn't interest anyone so
I'll move on to other topics....Like those stupid phrases I mentioned.
I really think it would be funny if I knew them all so well that I could
have a conversation with nothing but cliches as replies. It would be so
funny to try sometime...now if I could only get motivated....
Which is a hard thing to do when you're busy with class shit all the time.
The last week I've slacked a little because I'm sick of it all. But right
now is when I need to keep my cool and go for the goal....No guts, no
glory right?
Random thought:
I need to have less random thought and more focused thoughts. Increase
my linear thinking, I think it's called. You know the type, of thinking
that make math/computer/science people so good at it. Of course the trade
off is if you start to restrict your thinking... you can leave yourself
open to not thinking in new and different ways. Which can be so good at
producing insight.
What I should do is for each entry I put in here I should put a theme
for it. Something silly,stupid, and cliche sounding, you know? Like Craig's
recent thing with pointing out words that don't have other words in them
to make a point. "There's no fun in Shawn" Both funny and true!....Many
will enter, few will win!
Sorry...getting off topic here....I'm still on that kick about saying
things in just stupid cliche. You know, I may have lost the battle, but
I'll win the war!!!
NEW TOPIC:
I missed all the shit lists of email that got kicked around so much back
when so many of my friends were just starting to get online and for quite
awhile. I'm not talking about stupid Fwd messages but just stupid things
that people sent to mass group of people. That was the gasoline and all
someone had to do to light it was hit the "reply to all" button and saying
something stupid in the email and boom! Explosion Overpowering!!! I miss
all the fun stupid stuff that Ted, Steve, Aaron, and others sent out.
I don't know if there's anyone to blame though, I'm just as guility as
anyone else. I use to send all kinds of fun emails to people, but I trailed
off lately ever since the beginning of this semester. And to think I used
to be so creative with my email too....
I realized this a few days ago when I through my old email(I have email
from all the way back from 1999) and saw this story I wrote to everyone
after Ted sent out some story about him at IUS. It made me laugh:
Subject: Re: IUS IS GREAT!!!
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 17:41:10 -0500
> Today...I asked a fellow student if he had the time, and he said,
> "Certainly!" Then I said, "Oh, what time is it good sir?" And he
> gracefully replied with, "It's time to go fuck yourself!"
>
Bah, you call that a great story....Mediocre is what I call it......What
should of happened is something like this...
Today...I asked a fellow student, a crazy, aloof old man with a sparkle
in
his eye, if he had the time. I had just gotten out of class and wanted
to
know how long before my next class; perish the thought that my academic
standing at Indiana University Southeast would be tarnished by my absence
in
my next class. I pondered that for moment before the man gave his really
reply.
"Certainly!" he said with a twisted smile.
"It's Time....FOR YOU TO DIE!!!!"
Suddenly, I found myself staring at the barrel of sawed-off shotgun. I
should of known better; who in their right mind would wear a trenchcoat
with
a sticker on the side of the sleeve claiming..."I Kil's pepul 4 phun."
But
it was time to put the past aside. Now was the time for action.
Using my quick thinking,deadly cunning, lightning fast-martial arts
technique, and killer instinct I bolted out with, "Hey look it's the
Goodyear Blimp!" The man, foolish turned his back where then I grasped
the
shotgun and tore it away from his withered claws. Upon noticement of his
folly he started eireely laughing as he turned around slowly. I gave him
a
queer look as my hands grasped the shotgun which was aimed squarely at
his
head.
"Ha....Ha....Ah....Ha....Ah....."
"ha...ahhhh"
"You would have seemed to have fooled me, but no matter....you... Die
...anyway"
"Really?", I quipped back at him.
"Yes...."
At that moment his hand slowly reached up toward me. But before thos horrid
hands laid a finger on me I said "Looks like your time is up."then I tore
head apart like it was yesterdays paper, albeit more gory and bloody.
The
shot echoed throughout the hillside side as I sat the and looked at the
foolish man. It was then that Police Chief Murphy came up to scene.
"Oh my god! You got him. The crazy psycho killer who was murdering all
the
IUS students", Murphy exclaimed.
"Well it looks like my jobs done."
"Mine too, with the killer dead I can go into retirement now." Murphy
cheered.
"That's great...but can you tell me what time it really is"
"Well I don't have a watch..."
"Oh wait I know..."
"What?"
"It's time....TO PARTY!!!!:
*They give each other Hi Fives and the screen freeze frames as the credits
roll*
THE END...
It's always fun when you make yourself laugh from 2 years ago...
What I should do is start a mailing list for my friends so they could
sign up and I could pass stuff to them via email and start up some dialogue
again. You know, try to breathe some life back into email.
Shawn shakes it out of here:
I have more topics on my mind, but I should get some rest. I've been doing
alot of work and I should rest so I'll be ready to do some more work.
I'll didn't give out a MP3 this week so maybe I'll do 2 next time when
I think about it. I have alot of fun music that I've been listening to
lately. Well, I'll save that for laters...
Be Well Friends...
[+++++_____]
[3/27/2002 10:15:57 PM | Shawn Conn]
The End is Near:
5 weeks left and I'll be done with the worst semester I've ever had. The
work load has really lightened lately. I don't have Diff Eq. until Friday
which I has given me time to finish up all of phase 3 of my compiler.
I'll probably start the 4th part tommorow. The progress goes so much faster
when you have an IDE( Integrated Development Enviroment) to help you get
the debugging done.
The other than school work, it's been the same old stuff. If not busy,
I'll probably be sitting down playing video games. After finishing GTA3,
I've hadn't really had any $ to get a new game so I'm just going through
some my other ones. FF X is the other of the day. I dont' know why I'm
playing it though, I've pretty much done all that's possible in the game.
My characters are so ungodly(or should that be godly...I dunno) strong
that the game is a joke. I would like to pick up some other games, but
then again there's that $$ issue. Some games that I'm thinking about buying:
Tekken 4- It was released in Japan not too long ago, the US version shouldn't
take too long to come out as the game is mostly in English anyway.
Max Payne- I know I have it for the PC. But this is a really fun game
that wouldn't mind having the PS2 version for. Alex bitchs about PC games
that come to the console because the mouse and keyboard is such a better
controll for FPS(First Person Shooters). I think it's a good setup, but
I like having a controller to wrap my hands around. Either way, it wouldn't
take my enjoyment of the game away.
Deus Ex- Like Max Payne, I have it for the PC but would like it for the
PS2. It's an RPG that plays like a FPS, with a great story and gameplay
to boot.
I would probably like to get an arcade stick at some point for Tekken
so that more accustomed to the controls in the arcade. It's been hard
though to find a decent one, all the ones on the market it seems are a
bit shoddy. I went to Tekken Zaibatsu and tried to look up suggests, but
I got nothing. The forums on Tekken Zaibatsu are so horrible, half the
posts you can't even decpher what the people are saying. We need to find
these people that don't know how communicate effectively and break their
keyboards(the same goes for those 31337 speak people too).
Enough stupid ranting...other issues of the day...
Steve and Michelle came up to Purdue yesterday which makes 4 people after
Will and Evan(kinda of ironic when you consider that they spent their
spring break going to school). Steve called me at some point during yesterday
wnen I was installing my new CPU heatsink/fan which reminds me...
For a week or so my PC has been making this horrible grinding noise. A
while back, I was concerned that it might be a Hard Drive. But after opening
it up and listening I determined that it was definately coming from the
PC fan. It go so bad, I finally got the intiative to go out and buy a
new and better Heat Sink/Fan combo. So after installing, which is hard
to do once all the stuff is already in the PC case I start it up and it
still makes that noise. I failed to notice that my GeForce2 also has a
fan on it's CPU. After taking it out and looking at it, I noticed that
it's a bit lop sided and hence it keeps hiting the sink on the CPU. Unfortunately,
the fan on this CPU isn't really a standard CPU fan so I don't know if
it''s possible to replace. I've got to do something though, this noise
is so annoying.
Though I guess it could be worse. Alex's computer is still out of commision.
Yesterday he got a really cheap motherboard so he would have a PC while
he waits for his brand spanking new motherboard. When he hooked up and
started it, the motherboard started to catch fire. I think he ended up
decidin that the power supply was bad...
Anyway...I spent a couple hours with Newt, Michelle and Steve later on
in the day. It was fun. After that, I went back to my room and worked
on my project for a while. After that, I spent the whole night up as I
knew I wouldn't wake up with 3 hours of sleep. I hate the fucking 730
labs, at least it was easy though. I got my homework back and did quite
well on all of them. Plus I got a 93/120 on the 2nd test, which is pretty
good consider the averages for the tests.
Well, it's time to do EE270 homework. See ya guys around...
[++++++____]
[3/26/2002 1:03:39 AM | Shawn Conn]
It sure has been a while since I've last posted something. I've been busy
with the same old stuff. Homework, compiler, et. al. It's almost done,
I'm close. Only a few more weeks and all this crap is done. 4 weeks of
classes (including this one), dead week and finals week. And I only have
3 finals the week of finals and I'll be done on Wednesday. Joy!
I didn't do much this weekend, most the time was spent on the compiler.
It's alot more work than I thought. At least I'm to the point now where
everything is back in Java so I can use Visual J++. That makes the debugging
enviroment sooooo much easier. I don't have homework in Diff Eq this week
so I'm going to get the jump on phase 4 pretty soon. That's about two
weeks to start generating assembly code. Hopefully I'll get this done
on time. I think I'm starting to lose my mind here with all this work.
Last week I forgot to turn in my homework for math that I spent 3 hours
on. I don't know why I forgot it at all...oh well.
In other news, I finally finished every thing there is to do in GTA3.
All the secrets, jumps, packages, and all of that. It was quite a ride.
It's definately worth playing if you haven't checked it out. It gets way
too much hype for it's own good, but it's still a solid game nonetheless.
I'm trying to decide what to do next. I don't think I'm going to do any
work for the rest of the night as I'm tired. I'm thinking about playing
a little more video games before I got to sleep, which just reminds me
of something I was talking to Alex eariler. Alex was telling that Steve
called him eariler. Apparently Steve came up to Purdue for a few days
for his spring break(oh the irony!) and some how they got on to the topics
of videogames. Somewhere down the line Steve said that he was morally
opposed to video games. I know there have been a handleful of people in
our social circle that blast video games for numerous reasons.
The main ones I've heard(and one Steve used) are:
1. They are anti-social
The first one I really find rediculous. Sure there are certain games that
are anti-social by their nature(console RPGs for one thing), but there
are so many different other way video games can make people social.
-Massive online RPGs, even though the level of being social is debatable,
it still requires you to interact with people which is the basis for a
social enviroment.
-Arcades, though they're a dying breed, it's still a fun place to hang
and play games with other people. Will, Alex and I have alot of fun a
met quite a few people just playing the local Tekken 4 machine at River
Falls. I just wish the people at the mall were as social as the ones at
the Purdue Union.
-The gaming scene in general, there are alot of place where people just
talk about video games. It's a topic for people to discuss and meet people.
I've meet alot of people just talking about video games and what not.
In my mind, video gaming is about as anti-social as any other activity
that could be called as such.
2. They consume so much time and result in nothing.
This one I can understand a little more. I was talking Jamie about why
I use Windows 98(it's the gaming OS) as opposed to getting a more stable,
reliable OS. He told me thats one the reason he changed OS(or something
like that); he found that he killed alot of time playing games and not
doing something to better himself. I probably could do alot more with
the time I kill with video games, but I don't look as it like that.
I don't have to be a human doing, if I want to better my self I'll do.
There are times where I find something interesting and I set a goal for
myself or something, but there are alot of times where I don't feel like
I have anything to do but kill time. Why does that time have to spend
bettering myself. Like everything else, my free time is commodity and
I'll spend it where I feel I get the most benefit out of it.
I would also try to reply that you don't neccesarily get nothing
out of it. I've said this alot before but I dont' think I've said it here.
Games are art. While it is it's own breed of art, it still is an art.
If you don't agree with me, I have a big argument for that. But right
now I'm starting to feel sleepy so I won't dive into all the details.
Anyway, to say you get nothing out of video games is the same as saying
you can't get anything from out of watching a movie or reading a book
to me. There are alot of games that try to obtain something more than
just something fun to play. Not many, but there are a few out there if
you look.
I think I'll stop here. I could easily write pages on this topic, but
I'm sure no one wants to here it. Maybe if I get inspired I'll write it
down. Right now though I think I'll go get some sleep on. There will be
more to come later. 'til next time....
[+++++_____]
[3/21/2002 9:03:17 PM | Shawn Conn]
I don't know why, but I haven't been stressed out much lately. I don't
know if it's that I don't care or if it's something else that's bothering
me. I dont think I'm going to do anything over the next few weekends.
I've decided to dedicate the next few weekends to get the compiler done.
I didn't turn in the 3rd phase on time, and I'll be lucky to turn it in
to get any credit for it. I don't really care all that much at this point.
I just want to pass the class and get it done. I want to worry about other
things in my life.
There are 5 more weeks left and I've got to decided what I'm going to
do for money over the summer. I'm thinking about going back to Jeff one
weekend before the break is up to go look for a few places to work. I'm
not sure what I'm going to do, but I better do something soon....
Today I did something I haven't done before. On our way back from Fazoli's
we decided to walk through Kranert to our building Hawkins. On the way,
we took the subtunnels and ventured down there. We walked all over the
Union before coming back. It was fun traveling to places where I haven't
been. I wish I got so excited over small things like that more often.
I've realized a while back that things that I've done before get old quick.
If I've felt like I've done it alot and there's nothing new to learn I
just get bored and my mind starts wandering. Video games are about the
only think that law, but even then I don't think it neccesarily applies
because there's always something new about a game. Well at least the ones
that have alot of depth to them. I do get bored of games quickly if I
feel like there's nothing new to be learned about it, like I did with
Diablo 2 during the summer. I can't see why anyone still plays it that
much anymore but to each his own I guess.
That's probably why I've been so anxious to get in a relationship. I've
never really been with someone before, in terms of a relationship anyways.
It just sounds like something I would enjoy. I hate feeling lonely so
much. There is someone I've been thinking about but I think the probably
is when I finally realize that I really like somone(which takes a while
to do) I get all anxious about it and get all concerned about what she
thinks. Otherwise, I don't have any problem but in that case I don't really
care to do anything. It's kinda a catch-22, I'd first have to like them
before I actively pursue them, but I get all conscientous if I do. I just
don't know anymore...
In other news Yahoo is going to pay subscription for their email. Well,
I can still use it for free but I have to go to their stupid website instead
of using my email client. It sucks balls. I think I'm going end up paying
my hosting company for a stevesbackyardboxing.org email address. I already
have a few but they're more like forwarding address. If I payed them $10(half
as cheap as Yahoo) I would get a name that I could send and receive from.
I think I'm going to do that. Plus if any of my friends what to do that
it would only cost $5/year for one. I'll probably sent out a mass email
soon about it.
Finally, I found a use for the money I have. At least I think so, I'm
going have to wait a few days if it goes through. If it does, I'll tell
you guys about it. But for now, I've got to get out of here...til' next
time guys. Wake up and Chill out
[+++++_____]
[3/19/2002 12:34:06 AM | Shawn Conn]
It appears as if Blog's servers are swamped tonight.I wanted to kill a
little time before I got some sleep. I'll guess I'll do it now. Good news
is I'm feeling better, not that I'm really surprised though. I just get
really depressed sometimes. It gets pretty bad sometimes but I usually
bounce back.
I still haven't finished my project, I was busy with alot of things today.
I'm not to worried about it anymore. I just want this semester to be over
soon. I didn't realize how bad I been feeling until it occured to me today
that I hadn't eaten anything since Saturday. I wasn't really that hungry,
but I could tell I had no energy because of it. I could feel my body trying
to get energy from the fat and muscle in body. I don't know how to describe
it more than that warm feeling that comes from your body heat. Except
that this felt a little more tingly.
Most of that day I felt like in a semi-dreamlike state. Like I wasn't
totally there. Actually feeling like that, made me feel better. I didn't
really think so hard about things. It reminded me of this one time that
I felt like I woke up still stoned from the night before. I wish I felt
like that more often. I think things would go alot better.
I really don't have much of anything else on my mind right now. I got
a whole lot of money from my family before I left and I've been thinking
what to do with that. I have about $45 I was thinking about buying a game,
but I know I wouldn't get to play with all the work I need to get done.
I have 6 weeks left and I'm probably only a little halfway finished with
my compiler project. I need to finish it up soon.
Before I leave you, here's the MP3
of the week...I don't have much to say about it, but it's pretty silly
sounding. It's my gift to you...Wake up and Chill Out...
*yawn* Oh well, I need rest. I'll talk to you people later.
[+++++_____]
[3/17/2002 6:57:35 PM | Shawn Conn]
I don't know if this will ever see the light of day but I
m going to talk as if it is. I'm debating wether or not to post this because
I'm in such a depressed state. Hopeless negativity is what I'm feeling
and I really don't want to feel this way but it's what I feel like and
I'm trying to deal with it.
Have you ever tried to push two bar magents of same ends together? That's
what's like trying to make me happy. The closer I feel too happiness,
the greater the force repeling me away from that happiness. I was talking
to Will about this yesterday. I really feel like I have some form of manic-depression.
The more happy I feel just means the greater depresed I'll be later on.
Let me, try to go through what happened. I had alot of fun Saturday, the
last big thing of my Spring Break was the big party at Len's. There was
much fun to be had, but near the end of the night I was started feeling
quite depressed. Goddamn it, it's always the same problem about women
and feeling lonely and I never do something about it. I'm tired of feeling
this way. I feel like need to find someone for some reason. Everyone else
I talk to it seems like has found other people except me. I hate it.
I don't think I should drink again for a while. When I was going home
Saturday, I was feeling so depressed I was feeling like killing myself
again. I already been through this stuff more than a year ago and I didn't
want to go through again. I just don't feel like there is nothing to make
me happy anymore.
I guess my biggest problem is that I don't feel like there much left that
I want to do. I know it sounds silly but alot of times that's what I feel.
I don't know what it is, but I really have this overwhelming desire to
find another girl. I've never had a relationship that I've been and everytime
I think about it I feel that much worse. I've told you what I've thought
about relationships before and I know that I shouldn't be stressing about
it this much, but that's easy to say when you find it easy to fall in
love with someone.
I know my biggest problem is that I'm way to picky. There have been many
opportunities, but I just dont go for them. I find it hard to get attracted
to a girl. When I look for someone, I look for someone that I could say
that I truely love. I don't use the term love lightly. I wish I did use
the term as lightly as others do, I wouldn't be feeling so shitty right
now if I did. But that's the way I feel.
Feeling this way sets me up for so much hurt though. At times, I feel
like there's no one that would feel this way about me and I get so depressed.
I don't know how to handle it. That's the way I felt near the end of the
party last night. At that point, I don't feel like talking to people about
it because it's such a stupid, depressing topic that solves nothing. So
I just sit there dwelling on it.
When I when home, I was feeling so down. I was driving so wrecklessly.
I think I pushed my car past 100 mi/h. When I got home I could smell burning
rubber. This is obviously not normal. I should be feeling this down, but
I don't know what to do about it. I shouldn't feel this bad about something
as trival as this. But I make it so important, I don't know why. I guess
everyone feels like like they need love. I wish it was just about sex...that
would be so easy to solve. But no...I got to fuck it all up. I hurt so
much now, I don't know what to do.
I've got to do something, I can't keep feeling this way. I dunno what
to do to though. It's times like these that I start to resent the person
I am and I want to start to destroy myself.
...then I remember all the stuff I have to do for classes and a job that
I have to look for this summer. I keep feeling overwhelmed and hurt. I'm
starting to lose my will to live. I wish I knew something that I could
help me out. I just want to say fuck it and just destoy it all but I want
to say I have I hope. I'm running out of that pretty fast though. I should
go, I'm getting really upset and not making much sense. I'll try to get
back to you when I've some good news, but I dont' think that's going to
happen for a while.
That's all I have,
be well...
[++________]
[3/14/2002 9:00:12 PM | Shawn Conn]
Hello again, I'm back once again to talk about my mediocre spring break...
Speaking of mediocre, if you had any desire to See 40 Days 40 Nights don't
see it. I saw a couple of days ago with Steve and Alex. It was pure stupidity
at its best. Before I saw it, Newt went on how horrible it was and how
it's represents all that's wrong with mass media. I figured as much from
looking at the trailers, but I tried to see it as the comedy it was. It
failed even on that level. Some the jokes got a chuckle, but nothing really
worth mentioning. I find it funny that they make such a big deal about
the character not having sex. I guess in a world where all the women are
hot(like in the movie) its much more important than it is here and in
fact its quite humorous that a person would abstain from sex at that.
Either way the premise isn't really that funny. Also, watching other people
torture a guy just because he can't have something(like in this movie)
is far from funny in my eyes. It's just right out mean. That's probably
why I hated every character in the movie.
Oh well, moving to on more important things than useless hollywood garbage...I
don't think I'm going to get done with my compiler project. Every step
of the way I hit some error that takes forever to get resolved. I spent
2 hours and got nowhere on this problem so I gave up and started writing.
I emailed the proffessor and hopefully he'll get back to me before too
long so I can do something about it. Right now I'm planning on going to
the big D in a bit to see Newt and Claire. That will atleast put me in
a better mood.
I saw a funny thing last night on my way to Steve's. I was behind a cop
and on the bumper it had a URL for www.clarksvillepolice.com, if you don't
see why its funny it's because the .com TLD is used for commerical entities.
I guess the Clarksville Police's job isn't to serve and protect after
all, just make profit. I'm still kind of bitter at them from not taking
me to my house when my car got towed. I hope the guy that pulled me over
for that gets shot....I know I shouldn't feel that way toward people that
have such a important job as the police do, but it's hard to feel any
sympathy for someone when you're only experience with them has been negative.
Any respect I had for the police I lost it the day I was arrested for
PI. The cop was needlessly mean for something so ludicrious. Also another
problem is they have to enforce the law regardless what they think of
it(though it's somewhat questionable because alot of times they can just
ignore it). If I can't think of a perfectly good reason for a why a law
is there, I don't believe it should be followed. I find it hard to respect
people that follow laws blindly with out questioning why they are there.
I went to the doctor Tuesday, I think I've decided what the problem has
been. Luckily, it's not anything with high blood pressure. The doctor
told me the stabbing pain in my chest sounds like something called chest
wall or something. He said when a person is under constantly level of
stress(not neccessarily alot just constant) that sometime their muscles
can contract inward and put pressure on their chest bone. Thus when they
move, they sometime can feel sharp pains. It makes some sense considering
I know my muscles tense up alot when I feel under pressure(especially
when I'm gaming). He gave me some sample medication and said if the pain
comes back try taking those to see if they have any effect. That's about
the best he could do considering the pain comes and goes. Hopefully, that
will be the last of that problem.
Oh well, that's about all I have hopefully tommorow will be better....see
ya guys around,
[+++++_____]
[3/11/2002 10:59:39 AM | Shawn Conn]
I didn't expect to do much posting over the break(being that I don't have
a computer and all), but funny things happen. Anyway, I had to get my
files for CS that I'm going to work on and I figure while I'm here might
as well kill some time before I go home...
So far the break has been, fun. Not much happened Thursday night, I couldn't
really find any people. Friday was great fun. Atom and his package played
at the BYRCC house. I'm not really a big fan of punk rock, but Atom is
great. It was good stuff, fun times. After that there much talking at
the big D until late into the evening. It was a very fun night.
Saturday was more the same. Will called me up and we went out to the mall.
I needed batteries and to abuse the Walmart exchange policy. My PS2 controller
fucked up and I was damned if I was going to buy another one. After that,
Will and I were obligated to atleast get one game of Tekken 4 going. After
that we chilled at my place until we met up with Nick and Evan. They were
going to see some chick whose name is Liz Dick. Needless to say, Will
and Evan probably had a field day with that.
I didn't really feel like going, I wanted to see Len who had called eariler
that day. I had only saw him briefly Thursday so I wanted to chill with
him. After picking up Shaolin Soccer, I went to his place. On the way
there I saw that Emily was home so stopped by before I went there. She
seemed kinda down when I got there. She was upset over her boyfriend,
or lack thereof. I don't really know all the details, but it seems to
me that nobody should go through all that trouble about a relationship.
Either it happens or it doesn't, if one person doesn't feel the same way
about the relationship as you do then it shouldn't happen and they should
both move on.
Anyway, I tried to cheer her up and said she should forget her problems
and watch Shaolin Soccer. When we got there we ended up drinking though.
Len was playing Tiberian Sun when we got there and in order to play it
we had to install some codecs and all that junk. It didn't really matter
all that much though, drinking and chilling with people was much fun too.
I was there for a long while. When I finally got around to leaving I was
feeling kinda down though. I don't know if I should drink that much anymore.I
always have so much fun, but near the end of the night I start to get
so depressed. I would like to go sleep once after a party and not feel
so damn lonely.
When I woke up the next morning I was feeling pretty shitty since I was
pretty dehydrated. I got some water and played some video games. Will
called me again and we ended up going with Newt to do much fun things.
Later on we visited Teddy and hung out with him for awhile. It was all
kinds of fun, I really miss the guy. It's a pity is always working so
much.
I think I'm going to leave, I had more to say(like usual) but I really
feel like going home and getting some rest. I hit a bump in this project
and I need rest while I think about it. See yas when I see ya...
[++++++____]
[3/6/2002 2:08:49 AM | Shawn Conn]
I think I'm going to do a quick little post before bed. I have a 730 tommorow
and I'm not really sleepy which is going to make things suck when I have
to wake up tommorow.
I've given up on trying to finish the compiler by this Sunday. I just
don't feel like dedicating that much time in a few days. This means I'm
probably going to be working on it over the break. It sucks but this break
was going to suck anyway so I really don't care too much about it now.
Everyone's going to be working or at school so I might as well be doing
something over the day anyhow. The only problem is I don't have an internet
connection at home. What I've been thinking about doing is visiting various
people's houses over the break and using their internet connect throughout
the day. Sort of a Shawn tour or something. That way I'll get to see people
and I'll be able to get some work done at the same time. I don't know
who is going to be able to do it, but I guess I can ask around when I
get home. If that doesn't pan out, I can atleast go to family member's
house or something.
I don't know what I'm hoping to do over the break, but I want to do something
different for change. In the time that I'm not working on my compiler,
I want to come away from this spring break with my life changed in a positive
way or something. So far my only plans had been to see a doctor but that's
probably not going to change anything. It's been awhile since I thought
about myself, where I am, etc...and actually felt good about things. I
don't know if it's because I'm naturally pesimistic or what but I'm sick
of feeling it. I'm going to try to keep hope something really good is
going to happen this break and I'm going to try to make it happen.
Well that's about all I've got I'll see you when I see you.
[+++++++___]
[3/4/2002 12:08:47 AM | Shawn Conn]
"I don't have to be a human doing, just a human being"
Apparently I said that a while back. It sounds very cool, but I don't
remember it in the least.
I don't remember how it came up last night but I said something about
how people don't have to do anything. Next thing I know I look up and
Newt's like "say it." It was that point that I realized that Sam, Newt,
and Claire were looking at me as if they were expecting me to say something.
I asked them what were they talking about then they told me the great
quote I had said a while back. I thought I would have remembered me saying
something cool like that but I don't have the faintest memory of it. A
long while back I mentioned a story in here about how Emily mentioned
alot of things that I did that I didn't remember at all. It was that feeling
all over again. It's times like those that I'm really surprised who I
am. It's the memories we have of what we done in our lives that are the
only clue to who we are.(disregarding pictures,mirrors,etc, for a moment)
It's always funny when you see self in a way that you've never thought
about before. It makes you really think about who you are.
I wish I could selectively remove the memories I have. I would remove
alot of memories that I have right now. I dunno if I mentioned this or
not, but I believe selectively remembering stuff is a key to better happiness
and greater charisma. Better happiness comes from that whole "ignorance
is bliss" cliche: the less people remember, the less they have to worry
about, meaning they tend to enjoy themselves more than those would tend
to remember such things. The charisma aspect will take a few more sentences
to explain. I thought of this sometime last summer when I was talking
to James. When I thought of the most social, likeable people I knew one
characteristic that stood out came to mind. Bad memory. The way I use
the term "bad memory" doesn't mean that they can't remember anything.
It means that generally, they tend to remember less about details about
things that have happened in their life and just remember the big picture
or even in some cases tend to forget that.
I say that in a way that sounds bad, but I think it's far from the truth.
What I've realized about not having a good memory is that it makes things
that would otherwise seem boring, new and exciting. I think that's why
charismatic people are so forgetful. They can get really excited about
things because they can forget that they've done them before. It's this
excitement about things that translates to them sharing with other people.
Its a potent social catalyst. Being able to discuss many things that excites
you makes people want to talk to you and share those activities with you.
That's not the only thing it takes to be charismatic but it's a key part
I think...
There are alot times when I feel like I boarder between someone who feels
very social and one who feels very anti-social. It's times when I tend
to feel anti-social that I wish I could start forgetting stuff that makes
me feel whatever it is that I'm feeling when I'm in this very anti-social
mood. I wish there was something I could do about it, but that's all it
is...wishing. I can't see any real way of getting rid of memories short
of killing my mind with drugs. Oh well, I enjoy who I am most the time
anyway.
Well now that's off my mind....What else is going on? Not much. I didnt'
get started on my compilers project like I said I was going to. Once the
weekend came around, I felt like I really needed a break The proffessor
gave us another week to finish the project so I figure start on it this
week and finish it maybe during the weekend of spring break or something.
Unfortunately this Friday didn't provide much relief to me. There was
a big party at Kent's, but I didn't drink. I don't want to talk as if
I wasn't happy because I wasn't drinking but I think it was true. I was
quite unhappy that night and I didn't feel good at all. I just kept thinking
about being lonely. I ended up leaving the party after 2 hours I think
and I played some GTA3 to block out some of the pain and then I went to
bed.
Saturday turned out much better. It was quite cold that night. I ended
up at Craig's with alot people from Jeff who came up to party and whatnot.
We had fun at the apartment for a bit then we went out on the town for
a while. All the while it was pretty cold. It was snowing too. The weather
was great. We hung out around the bar areas of West Lafayette watching
Will and Evan cause a ruckus...funny stuff. That really put me in much
better spirits. It was the first time in a while that I could say that
I was in a good a mood. Hopefully, this will be continuing trend.
I had more to talk about, but I already see the post is staring to get
quite hefty so I'll leave you guys with another MP3 of the week. This
one is from the opening track of Silent Hill. If you haven't played the
game, it's the creepiest damn horror game I think there is out there.
I don't want to go into the details why as not to spoil the game for you
if you should so happen to play it, but it's definately worth checking
out. Most the soundtrack is creepy ambient music that really doesn't have
much complexity to it, but what it does has builds the atmosphere perfectly
for the game. This track is one of the few tracks in the game that really
isn't in the same category as the rest of the music. It's more melancholy
tune that really suits the character's demanor in the game. Probably one
the game's flaws could be called the voice acting. All the characters
act really apathetic and drugged out. After playing through the game numerous
times though, I think it really adds to the atmosphere. I dunno if Konami
intentially made the voice actors in the game to sound so apathetic, but
I'm willing to bet it was done intentionally for effect. Anyway, enjoy
the MP3...I'm going to roll on out of here to get some sleep.
[++++++++__]
[2/28/2002 8:48:57 PM | Shawn Conn]
I'm feeling kind low today: ( I should be getting started on my compiler
project but I really don't have the energy. I think I might just go to
sleep soon and finish it when I get back up. I have alot of stuff due
between this week and next. I don't really care much about it getting
done or not, I just want it out of my face. If there's any good news to
any of this stuff it's that I have a mid-B (post curve) in my abstract
algebra and a high-B in my Diff Eq class. But it's just a fleeting moment
happiness when you feel like I do. *sigh*
It looks like I'll be stuck here for another day. I talked to my parents
about getting me on Thursday. Some words were said, they aren't coming.
It sucks. I guess its only one day so it won't be that bad, but I'm beginning
do despise this place. I want to leave here as soon as possible. It just
pisses me off that I don't have a car. I'm sick of not being able to go
where I want when I want.
I don't even know if I'm all that excited about going home for spring
break anymore. I think I'll just end up dissappointed now. I guess, I'll
see some people and do some stuff that will be fun but I really don't
have much of a positive attitude about it anymore. I don't think most
the people will have the same spring break as I do( ie I'm going to spend
alot time playing videogames because people will be busy).
I don't see how one semester can crush all the hopes you have, but somehow
this semester. About the only fun I get out of the day is when I have
some spare time to kill just looking at something on the computer or play
video games. I don't really get much time to see and hang out with people
because my fucking homework forces me to a schedule that limits alot of
social activity. Actually it wouldn't probably that bad if Alex wasn't
having much more fun than I am. It's just really depressing when you have
to do alot of stuff and your roommate gets to play PC games a majority
of the time, party, go out with people, have fun with chicks, etc. It
occured to me a while back when I was feeling lonely I can't think one
chick I'm interested in this semester. Not because I'm not interested
in finding one, it's just that I feel so busy I haven't been noticing.
That and the fact that my social activities are left to a minimum...*depressed*
Actually I'm probably not depressed in the true sense of the term, but
sure feels like it. I like to sleep alot just because it means I'm not
awake.
Biggest Contributing Factors:
4. Stress of Classes- It hasn't been that bad lately now that I'm in the
groove of classes but there's still always more work and it sucks. I always
have to plan my day out to make sure I spend enough time on class stuff,
it sucks. So much work, so many test, and labs....ugh
3. Health- This probably from #4 that and I'm a prime candicate for heart
diseasse. I just feel ill alot of times. A weeks back I had this stabing
pain in my chest after I ate, I couldn't tell if it was heartburn or something
else. I haven't been eating that much(one meal a day is pretty much standard
for me), but it's not like the places around here to eat are that heatlhy.
Maybe I should eat even less.
2. Lack of People to Be With- Like I said before I don't get too much
social activity due to classwork/etc. If I get to see anyone else than
Alex through the day I'm lucky but most the time I have to spend alot
time in my room working/sleeping/ or taking a break. Even with Alex here
in the room I don't really say all that much because I'm busy with work.
Alot the times he's playing CS or D2 or he's out doing something.
1. No love- Probably related to #2. I feel lonely alot just sitting here
working on all these assignments. Like I said before I can't think of
one person I'm interested in. Again, it's my own fault but theres not
much you can do when you have to bend your schedule around classes. I
imagine if I didnt have such high standards, was drunk most the time,
I could go to parties to hook up with some random chicks. But I've already
tried that route. I've done the whole big party semester of college and
I think I'm done with partying at college. I dunno why, it's just no fun
anymore. Probably the size, there's usually way too many people packed
into one room at one time all trying to get drunk and all trying to accomplish
whatever the fuck it is they want to do for the night.I guess if I would
just try to have fun instead of think so much it would be different...I
just don't know anymore what it is I want. Whatever it is, I don't think
I'm going to find it at a party.
Well enough complaining. I really would like about other stuff on my mind,
but like I said it's hard to do that when you feel like shit.
I really enjoy this blog stuff, it's fun to see what kinds of stuff are
going on in other people's lives. Unfortunately, most the people I know
don't post all the much often. Atleast not is much as I do. Maybe it's
because I always have alot of stuff on my mind. I have alot to say though.
It's takes alot of words to find out Who is the Man with the Name that
Rhymes....
[2/26/2002 7:11:44 AM | Shawn Conn]
I wonder if I look as bad as I feel. I think I do. Right before I left
for Diff. Eq. , I looked in the mirror and my eyes were bloodshot. The
person looking at me was a very unhappy looking soul. My weekend was horrible
and semi-sleep deprived(I got 8 hours of sleep but it sure didn't feel
like it).
When I woke from my rest on Friday it was around 11pm. From that moment
on til around 2pm( the next day) I was working on my CS project. After
it was done I grabbed some food and went back to sleep. I woke up around
8-10pm Saturday. I don't remember exactly when it was, all the details
of this weekend are hazy. Anyway, before I started on my CS project I
went with Alex to get some beer and let him buy me some food for me since
I bought him the beer(yay for contribution to a minor). After that he
dropped me off so he could out and party.
I worked on my CS project again til late at night. I didn't stop until
sometime around 3am, and it wasn't because I was done. Alex came in the
door and he wanted me to go to Labamba's with him. I didn't really feel
like, but I could see that he wanted me to go so I did anyway. He was
going on and on about all the fun stuff he did at the two parties and
the drama that occured afterward(this could easily be alot bigger if I
went into the details but I'm tired I'll give you the abridged version)
. I could tell by the way he was talking he wanted some advice or something
introspective, but I really wasn't in the mood to offer much dialog.
I wish I could say that I was happy/concerned/whatever with what he was
talking about, but I wasn't. When you're spending a whole lot of time
just looking at screen not having any fun and someone wants to discuss
all the fun stuff they were doing it gets pretty depressing. I didn't
feel like talking. I didn't feel like walking with him to Labamba's, but
I did it because he was my closest friend. I think I said a total of 5
words on the whole trip. I mostly just stared off into space and made
guestures when there was a moment for me to reply.
Once we got back, I worked on my CS project once again until around 2pm.
It wasn't as long a period as Friday was though because at some point
I took a break to play some GTA3. I was stuck at some point in the project
and I was staring to nod off. I figured playing some video games would
get a little adreline going so I could stay up and finish it which is
what happened
That was basically the whole weekend.
It...
sucked...
big...
ass..
And what's worse I'll probably be doing the same thing next weekend since
I only have 2 weeks for the next phase of the project. It especially sucks
more because I hear alot of stuff is going on this weekend. Fuck it all.
I went to my classes yesterday, but I was halfway gone so I didn't get
my full potential out of my classes. When I got back home, I fell right
asleep. I woke up around 2ish and played some GTA3 for a few hours. I'm
sure making alot of progress, it about less than a week I'm almost halfway
through the game. Keep in mind most those days weren't spent playing the
game too.
Right now I debating or not whether to do the Diff Eq lab. I would done
it yesterday on a normal schedule but I was so tired, I just didn't go.
I don't think I'm going to do it, I don't even care about the stupid lab
anymore, it's pointless and I don't learn shit in the lab. They should
ax that stupid part of the class.
I usually like to write some insightful stuff in my posts, but glancing
over what I just written I can see it's more bitching than anything. I
haven't really got into thinking about any kind of topics lately. I've
been so miserable, I haven't really thought much about anything other
than I feel like shit. I don't even feel that excited about spring break
anymore either.
Well, I think I should end things here. I feel really tired and I don't
think my mind is thinking very straight at this point. I just looked over
what I wrote and I feel alittle confused. It either means I'm not writing
well because I'm tired or I can't understand what I'm reading because
I'm tired. Either way, it won't make for any kind of coherent post. I'm
going to shake it out of here...
[2/22/2002 6:35:08 PM | Shawn Conn]
I don't think I'm going to get to do anything this weekend again. *sigh*
I was able to manage to get my project somewhat working, but it's far
from working. It's due Sunday. I probably won't be as busy as I was last
time but it's still going to take alot of time nonethelesss. I'm not going
to get much rest after that either. The last two weeks before spring break
is going to feature such awesome features as:
-2 Diff. Eq Lab (now with a Linear Algebra twist)
-Homework and even more homework(the inevitable pain that comes with having
2 math courses and EE270)
-2 "Awesome"(results may vary) EE270 labs at 7-fucking-30 in the morning
-2 Exams for Diff Eq and EE270(Maybe I'll actually get some time to study
on this one).
-Another phase of the compiler project due in two weeks(meaning as soon
as I get done with this one I better get started on the next because its
due the Sunday of Spring Break, I'll be damned if I'll be working on this
after I go back home)
-Plus much more!
On the plus side, I got a Grand Theft Auto 3 yesterday and this cable
that lets me take my memory card data and put it on my PC.Meaning that
I pretty much have unlimited space when it comes to storing useless data
for my games(pointless silly replays, random screen captures of Xiaoyu/Julia
in Tekken Tag, other pictures taken with the camera in MGS2, et. al).Unfortunately,
I probably wont get to play with them much because of all the work. Oh
well, I guess that's what the break is for...that and seeing people.
I'm so tired, I'll be glad when these two weeks are over. Those stabbing
pains in my chest come back every now and then. Sometimes when I laugh
even. It hasn't been too frequent for me to worry about it immediately,
but I'll probably see a doctor over the break. Maybe he'll give me some
happy drugs, I need to put a positive spin on my life....
This just came to mind, I haven't explained those links on the sidebar.
Here's the lowdown:
Steve's Backyard Boxing!!!:
Pretty Obvious, anything I create is pretty much gets a plug for SBB.
I'm even wearing my T-Shirt right now.
SBB Webtracker:
This I get a kick out of now and then. It's listing of all kinds of interesting
states. Probably the most interesting/disturbing is the where alot of
refencing links come from...
My
Homepage: My dumb little home page about me
MP3
Collection: This I think is here for me more than anything else so
I can see which MP3 I have. It's getting to the point where it's hard
to remember which MP3s I have and which I dont.
Something Awful: A damn parody,
about a whole lotta topics. The awful links of the day are some pretty
damn funny stuff.
TheSpark.com's Personality
Test: Exactly as said, it's pretty interesting I would suggest it
to anyone reading this( whomever that might be)
Tekken Zaibatsu: The
premiere Tekken site on the web. Everything you want to know about Tekken
and more...
Slashdot: One the biggest news
portal sites for tech/nerd news. All kinds of interesting stuff.
Game Assault
Forum: About the only forum I post to on the web. And the only reason
I think I do is for the nostalgia of the NGO(Next Generation Online) days.
Well that's it for me...see ya next time.
[2/20/2002 3:48:55 AM | Shawn Conn]
I was talking to Brian last night about lots of stuff. It ended up being
a few hours. During the conversation I was reminded of a funny thing I
heard in my economics class last year. I thought I would share it with
you guys...
Story of Funny porpotions:
The economics class I had last year was so god damn boring. I think Economics
is probably the most boring psuedo-science there ever was. I can't imagine
anyone being exciting by the topic Economics. Aaron
was also in my class that year. It was at 730 so needless to say waking
up for this stupid boring class was a hard thing to do. After I think
2 days, Aaron stopped going to the class. I however still found myself
waking up Tuesdays and Thursdays to go to the class to write down stuff
the proffessor talked about as I kept nodding off. After he got like the
3rd consecutive quiz that he beat me by 1 point I stopped going to the
class to. We would just show up for the class the day of test/quiz and
made sure we memorize all the key terms and ideas before we went.
I remember this one time we went there for a quiz. We had to listen to
a lecture because the proffessor just has to give a lecture before the
quiz so to force those people that only show up for quiz/tests to listen
to atleast a few boring lectures. I remember alot of times we just made
sarcastic and wity remarks about whatever was being taught. It's a good
way to past the time, especially if you're as sarcastic about things as
much as Aaron is.
Anyway, during the lecture the proffessor starts talking about a Griffin
Good. A Griffin Good is a good that defies the law of supply and demand.
I don't remember exactly how, I think the price becomes greater as the
quanity does(shows how much I got out of the class huh?). Anyway she keeps
going on about a Griffin Good like it's something that's on the cutting
edge of economics research. Then she mentioned how it's a purely hypothetical
good that's only found to exist in studies involving rats. That was pretty
much the funniest damn thing I heard. First of all, economics seems so
boring and easy the idea of research makes is pretty funny. But the idea
studies involving purely hypothetical goods that involve rats is just
damn hilliarious. That was about the only good thing I got out of the
class.
Random Topics of the Day:
Once again, I'm putting off doing my work. I'll have to start soon though
as I have a EE270 lab in about 6 hours. I fucked up my sleep cycle again
so now I ended up sleeping through the day again.
I talked to my mom yesterday because I wanted to inform her of various
purchases and whatnot. She ended up telling me of how like 3 of my relatives
ended breaking up with their significant other/spouse/whatever. My uncle
Lucky(which coincidently he isn't) is being sued in his divorce. I dont'
know the details or really care. Alot of my family is money grabbing assholes.
I can't tell you how many lawsuits, squabbles, or whatever have occured
when someone in our family has died and their so concerned about their
cut in will. It's really pathetic.
Luckily my parents aren't too bad about issues when it deals with money.
Though every now and then, they make it more an issue than they should.
Like when they buy stuff for Christmas or whatever consumer holiday might
be rolling around. They buy way too much stuff than they should sometimes,
then they complain about how their budget is tight. I don't expect them
to buy me anything for Christmas, my birthday, or whatever. I really don't
think I deserve it all the stuff they buy me and the fact that I don't
get them anything just makes it worse. I know they enjoy doing it and
it makes them happy, but I really think there are others ways to show
your appreciation for someone other than buying stuff for them. I'm not
going rant on them that much since they are after all paying for my college
in full(no scholarships,loans, or any of that). But I think they act like
way too many Americans do. They really have good intentions but they misguided.
Many spend so much time worrying about money they show their good intentions
with money instead of other actions(sorry if that was too political or
whatever, I was just thinking of a big conversation I had with Brian last
night about excess consumerism.)
Closing:
A while back I used to mass mail people with top 10 lists of various topics
so I thought I would continue its time-honored tradition here.
While most RPGs usually have the same cliched storyline and characters.
There are handful that have great stories, characters, and even fun game
play(even if most the motivation for playing through most RPG is the story).
This is my list of RPGs that excel in these categories
Top 10 RPGs:
1. Xenogears
2. Deus Ex
3,4,5. Final Fantasy VI, VII, and X(It's hard to decide which one beats
which so consider them all tied)
6. Chrono Trigger
7. Chrono Cross
8. Persona: Revelations
9. Legacy of Kain
10. Baldur's Gate I,II, and throne of Bhaal
I would go through all my reasons why each entry is there but I do have
class stuff to get through so I'm going to have to cut it alittle short.
I'll leave you with this weeks MP3
of the week. This one comes from the Persona: Revalations Soundtrack which
I downloaded this week(you'll notice that its on my top 10 RPG list).
A big part of the appeal of music from RPG is that the music has a story
associated with it(It's not really any different from most other music
since alot the music we like we associate with other things we like).
So I'll give you the run down the story in context with the song(or you
could play the game which I highly reccomend).
Anyway, the song is called Kandori's Theme: Pathos. Kandori, I assume,
is the name of the villian in the Japanese version of the game. If you
played through the US version, you'll known that his name is Guido. In
the game, Guido has created a device which allow him manipulate space/time
or something like that using a machine his company had created. Thus Guido
has become godlike through use of this machine. Once you confront him
in frivilous attempt to stop him, he ends up using the device to change
the world into this huge palace called Deva Yuga(which from Sanscript
translates to something like the Divine Age). After this, you must manage
your way through the massive palace to confront him once again. Once you
make way through this huge palace to confront him again things don't carry
out like you think they would. For once you get there he has no will to
stop you, argue with you, or do anything for that matter. In the time
that Guido changed the entire world and became a god, he realized an irony
that comes with trying to obtain ultimate power: Once you become a god,
there isn't anything left to do in life. Becoming omnipotent and omniscent
defeats the purpose of life altogether. Nothing new to learn, nothing
new to do, what else is there left to do? This pretty much sums of the
Pathos part of
the title to his theme. It was a very intersting twist on fighting the
final all-powerful villian in the game. It's because of that(among other
reasons) Persona is one my favorite RPGs.
Now, to my homework....
This is the Man With the Name that Rhymes, signing off....
[2/18/2002 1:05:28 AM | Shawn Conn]
Same shit, new day. Nothing new. I didn't get started on my project until
late Saturday this weekend because I was distracted by other things. Surprisingly,
it wasn't the opposite sex either. Mostly it was other activities with
friends. After classes on Friday, I stopped by Subway to grab some food.
Once I got to my room Alex and Kevin were there. Newt came by later on
and pretty much the rest of the night was doing stuff with them. It was
pretty fun, I guess. I probably would enjoyed myself alot more if I didn't
have this horrible stabbing pain in my chest that followed me through
the rest of the day. It was horrible. I dunno what the hell it was but
if I laid on my back or moved around alot it just felt worse. Luckily
it was gone by the next day.
I did more stuff with Newt, Kevin, and Alex Saturday too. I would go into
to the details but it wasn't anything big. Actually, I'm having trouble
recalling what happened. It seems kinda fuzzy. I don't think my heart
was in to doing anything that day. I slept for probably 13 hours that
day. I never feel excited about anything lately, it's very depressing(
that's a big change of pace huh?). They all left to see a movie later
on that day. I might of went but I didn't have any cash(like usual) and
I had to get started on my CS project. After about 2 hours of fucking
around with it I called it quits and watched Shaolin Soccer that everyone
was raving about it. It was damn funny too. I definately reccommend seeing
it.
Sunday: I went out again with Alex, Kevin and Newt to go eat. Once again,
I didn't really feel motivated to join but I guess I was hungry. Sometimes
when I join people to eat, I dunno if it's because I wanted to be with
their company or just eat. It feels like lately I've been only eating
to put myself in a better mood which is something that I definately want
to steer clear of.
I worked more on the CS project after eatingI worked on it until I hit
a point where I should asked a TA about what to do, so I'll probably go
to an PSO tommorow. Luckily the workload for this week is fairly easy:
A Diff Eq exam on Monday, 2 Diff Eq Homework , 1 Abstract Algebra, 1 EE270
Assignments and a EE270 lab. I should have plenty of time to work on my
project this weekend.
2 weeks, 4 days that's how much time I have left until Spring Break. I've
been noticing that I've been counting the time for a while now. For a
while I thought things were getting better but I still really don't feel
any better about anything going on. I'll be glad when spring break rolls
around. The semester will be more than a half over by then and maybe by
then I'll have something to look forward to. I'm sick of feeling this
way. I don't feel like I have anything to say to anyone positive when
I feel like this and I don't want to talk about being depressed because
its never any fun to talk to people about such things. So that just leaves
me to mope about. For a while, my mom has been nagging me about going
to see a doctor or some shit about this. I usually blow it off because
I doubt it will do any good. Either one of two outcomes will come from
it: go see a therapist or go take some prescription anti-depressants.
The last time I ended up seeing a therapist and that didn't really do
much of anything. I might as well talk to my friends about it, I get about
the same amount of help with out spenting money. The second option I just
really don't like. I just don't believe any kind of drug will make you
happy and even if it does, it will become something you'll be dependant
on for your happiness. *sigh*
I'd better roll out of here, I didn't want this post to be this long and
I've got things to do tommorow.
[2/15/2002 3:49:28 AM | Shawn Conn]
Random Thought: Sometimes I wish I was a superstar rapper. Not really
because I bust out mad rhymes, but I like how all rap stars act so arrogant
and pompous like they're the second coming or something. It's just a big
joke to me. If I was a rapper I would write my name like $hawn ¢onn because
all rappers have mo' cash and love to show their fans how much shit they
can buy thanks to them.
Anyway, I'm in a better mood than I was last time. Today I took my abstract
algebra test, I did really well I think. I woke up at 6am and studied
until 1015am. I felt pretty damn confident going in there to take the
test. I was able to answer all the questions and I think they were all
right. Actually, when I was done I was still waiting for the time to be
up(we had the whole class period to it).The proffessor gave the class
and extra 5 minutes to finish up the exam so I just dropped it off and
left early, I was only one of a few people who got finished so quickly
so I'm hopeful about the grades.After that I had alot of rest. I ended
up waking up off and on throughout the day waiting for my 430 class. After
that and dropping off my homework I went home where procceed not to do
much of anything.
After Alex talked on the phone with a few chicks about Valetine's stuff,
we went to the big D. I had just gotten
some gift certicates in the mail so it was my treat. We talked about relationships,
love, and whatnot while we were there. It was a interesting conversation.
I think what I got out of the conversation was that I really don't want
to be in a relationship with someone. I talked to him for a while how
alot times I feel that a relationship is something people want because
they see alot in TV, movies, etc and they feel a overwhelming need to
have that. Sure people have the need to be loved but think about this
for a second. I mentioned to Alex friendships fill alot of need to be
loved/appreciated/whatever(unless your thinking about physical relationship
but lets just put that aside for a moment), but you don't see people going
out of their way to make friendships. At least I don't.
That's why I blame stuff like TV,movies, commericals, or whatever. They
generate a need that should be there that much. They set expectations
for what a relationship should be. That's bullshit. If there's anything
I learned from the past two years if you set up expectations you're bound
to be dissappointed. When you expect nothing thats when you'll find yourself
to be the most fulfilled. You can't look for happiness in relationships,
it has to find you.
I dont' want to be in relationship, I don't want to feel obligated to
some other person. I don't want much. I just want to enjoy the company
of another chick who I find attractive. I just want to enjoy being with
them and enjoy sharing activities with each whatever it may be. Especially,
sex :)
Oh well, enough of that I don't think I'm going to find anyone like that
this semester. At least not while I'm this busy with classes. I can't
remember the exact quote from Brad Pitt in the Fight Club commentary track(a
must if you really enjoyed the movie) but it's something like, "First
deal with your own problems, then we'll tackle the vagina issue."
While somewhat near the topic about sex, I played Dead or Alive 3 at Walmart
after Denny's today. If you don't know anything about it, it's an exclusive
fighting game for the Xbox. It's somewhat lacking in the depth that Tekken
has, but it's leaps and bounds(pun very much intended) ahead of Tekken's
(.)(.) jiggle technology( they even have a feature in the option menu
that lets you adjust the "age" of your fighters which corresponds to how
much bounce they have). What the Dead or Alive series lacked in depth
of gameplay it always has made up in amount of sexy female characters
with of course (.)(.) that jiggle (In real time no less!). While I was
playing trying to figure out which buttons did I think I had more fun
tapping the directional pad to watch their chests in motion than I did
with the attacking buttons. I don't know why I'm enticed so much by virtual
(.)(.) but I try not to think about it too much, just sit back and enjoy
it.
Anyway, it might or might not be a good game. I really never got down
the controlls just right. If I had the game though, I bet I would never
play as the male characters(which I believe there are a total of 3). It's
just so much more fun to watch females fight each other.
Well, it's getting late and I have to get some rest. All you guys take
it easy and have a good one.
[2/14/2002 12:56:43 AM | Shawn Conn]
Lameness covers the day once again. I slept on and off throughout the
day. I wish I would of got a full 8 hours of sleep last ngiht but I had
a lame ass EE270 lab today. It was pretty long and tedious. Once I got
back, I slept more. I woke up with an hour before Diff Eq. luckily I was
able to finished the homework I didn't complete the night before. After
that I spent nearly 2 hours sitting in line to talk to the TA about getting
a 10/100 on project0. He didn't even do anything after I told him the
problem. He just stared at me blandly and then told me to write my name
down on list for people to resubmit their projects. Lame. Once I got back
to my room I send the files again to the TA, I better get a 100 this time.
After that Alex,Kevin, Newt and I went to the mall for things and food.
It was ok. I didn't really say or do much. I zoned out a little here and
there. I got back and finished my EE270 homework which I pretty much now
have to do even if its opional or not. I got a 44/100 on the test. I'm
not really upset, I'm past the point of caring but it might be passing
after the curve(the average was 60)
Right now, I'm still busy as I usually am. I keep having to put shit off
until later because something else comes up. I've been wanting to start
my compiler project this week and start my laundry but I'm foiled at every
turn. After the test tommorow, I should be free to do both. Not that I'm
really looking forward to it. Since I'm starting so late it probably means
I'm going to have to spend the whole weekend again doing it. *sigh* Unhappiness
in the making.
I just finished compiling my latest MP3
list. It's about 6100 MP3's about 2/3 of which is game music. I've
been finding alot of game music lately so that's the reason for probably
the jump from the 50/50 ratio that it usually is. I've added a MP3 of
the week section for the hell of it. I have alot of music I might as well
share it with the people that even care to read this junk.
The first
MP3 I'm going to use is one I've been listening to a few times today.
It's the Eddy's theme from Tekken Tag Tounament. If you been to my room/house
you know it's a game I play quite often. Eddy's theme is the best song
on the Tekken Tag Soundtrack I think. There really isn't much to the song
but it's rhythm really gets your adrenline pumping in a fight. I guess
it would only figure that Eddy's song would have such a cool rhythm to
it. If you know anything about his fighting style, Capoiera, it's that
it there's alot of rhythm to it. At times Capoiera looks more like dancing
than it does fighting, According to some book Will read about Capoiera,
they also suggest you also listen to music while you practice as it helps
you develop rhythm. So what better way to practice Capoiera yourself by
listening to the Tekken Capoiera master's theme. Enjoy!
I think that's all I've got in me. I'll continue again when I'm in better
spirits
[2/11/2002 1:54:53 AM | Shawn Conn]
*yawn* I'm pretty sleepy. For some reason I didn't have much energy this
weekend and despite the fact that I slept for 10hours I'm still sleepy.
Shawn's Break from Hell: Day One
The weekend was not all I hoped to be but it was fun seeing people none
the less. When I got back in town, I took a shower then tried to call
people. It didn't seem like I could get a hold of anyone. I either got
nothing or they were out busy with something. The only person I got a
hold of was Emily. We play a nice little game of phone tag before I got
the word she was going to Hill St. gang's place. I told her I might stop
by in a bit. A few minutes later she called and she says they were gone.
So I figure what else could we do. I figure the Big D standby would be
nice. After all I just wanted to see people, not do things. So we decided
to meet with Michelle up at the big D. Well a few minutes pass after that
and she calls saying that she's going to some band or something(I forgot).
Anyway, that left me pretty much nothing to do.I just kinda sat there
with for a while. I ended up watching TV. There was a fairly interesting
thing on the history channel about the history of Pro Wrestling. I'm not
a fan in the least of it, but I must say it was interesing. After watching
I can say I have a little more respect for it, even if I still dont' like
it all. It did a excellent job of defending Pro Wrestling again the criticize
that it's all fake. Their argument was it's not suppose to be real and
if you're going to criticize it on that level, you might as well criticize
movies for being fake as well. It was a very valid point.
Thank god Michelle called soon after that and told me that a few people
were going to meet at Steve's. I would been pretty bored otherwise. I
ended up there for the rest of the night and enjoyed the company of some
very good friends.
Shawn's Break from Hell: Day Two
The next day I was pretty tired I dunno why but I just had no energy in
me. Will and I ended up going to Riverfront park to meet up with Claire,
Evan, and alot more people. Craig, Evan, and Will were mostly there for
the frisbee. I didn't have any energy in me, but I wanted to enjoy weather.
It was pretty damn nice out there. I talked to a few people for a bit.
Once they started playing frisbee I just kinda layed there on the grass
while I listened to some music I brought with me. It felt really good
with the brisk air, blue sky, and bright sun shinning on me. Later on
they started to play kickball with a couple of random people at the park.
I wasn't about to change my theme of laziness so I just kinda sat next
to the pillars and watched them play. Not too soon afterwards I ended
up falling asleep. When I woke, it wasn't too long after that that some
dude ended up kicking the ball so hard it went onto the freeway. This
was the 2nd at that, because he had eariler before the game kicked a football
up there as well. Fortunately, we didn't hear the noise of a wreck. That
would have been pretty funny to be on the highway driving and all of a
sudden out of nowhere a ball comes and hits your car.
After the game was over, the group difused into its own different activies.
Will, Claire, Shannon, and I ended up going to a cafe on 3rd Street. It
was pretty fun. The burger and fries were good, not just the same old
thing I used to. After that, I ended up leaving them to go to Lenny's
apartment. Emily had paged me not too long ago and I figured she'd probably
be at Len's. I was, as usual, right again. Len, Mason, Emmy, Jimmy( and
later on Burke, Jeremy, and Michelle) were all there. We didn't really
do much of anything, but like I said before I was here to see people and
enjoy their company I wasn't here to do things.
I really liked how Len and Mason had done the apartment over. One the
highlights of the night was the "For Sell" sign on the wall that had "Punk
Rock" written in the place where you write the #. I asked Len where the
punk rock for sale was and replied "go to channel 37" which happens to
be MTV here. I didn't think about it much at the time, but retrospect
it was really funny(and true!) and I was surprised I didn't laugh more.
Some other enlighting stuff that night:
My leg started cramping later on that night. It felt like I had ran alot
despite I haven't done almost anything strenuous. It was enough to make
me start to worry about blood pressure again. With stress about classes,
life, love, etc. I dunno if my heart is holding the stress well. I'm screwed
in heard dept, I have a history of heart problems on the male Conn family
side. I don't put my life much past 50-60 years. I've mentioned before
people have certain tendency to act the way they do because what they
are( their family background, genes, etc...) I think depression, maybe
I should say melancholy it sounds better, is my natural state not because
I'm always sad but because maybe thats the way my body deals with such
stress my heart( in both a metaphorical and literal sense) goes through.
I was kicking ass and taking names in Metal Combat for the SNES(one of
the few kick ass super scope games) and while I was wondering how I could
still be this good at a game that I haven't played in forever I was noticing
the conversation behind me. Mason went on a rant about how music, life,
and mathematics are related depsite the fact most people don't realize
it. It was a really interesting conversation about Taoism, math, and how
it kinda all ties together. If you saw the movie PI you would know what
I'm talking about. Unfortunately, I didn't get to add much to the conversation
as I was busy getting to the final boss but it was most intersting to
hear.
I talked to Emily alot that night too. It sounds silly, but I tend to
forget what people look like quickly if I haven't seen them in a while.
I forgotten how attractive I thought she was. I felt like flirting with
her, but I thought it best not to after she mentioned all the junk she
was going through with her quasi-boyfriend( I dont' remember if they were
going out still or not). Once again, this is probably why I don't have
anyone I think alot more than I do. I shoulda have flirted with her anyway,
from what I hear this guy is kind of a chump. Not that I met him, that's
just what I hear.
Some how later on we were on the topic of 'shrooms which lead to reminsicing(sp?)
about prior experiences. Emmy mentioned alot of stuff I don't even remember
doing back then. I dunno if I just had blocked it out or what, but I don't
remember half the stuff she told me I did. It made me think why people
tend to forget things, is it a way to block out what we don't want to
think about it or is it because our brain only has such a capacity for
memorization? It reminded me of Momento again.
I think it was a combination of both those reasons why I didn't remember
that stuff:
*I tend to have horrible memory when it comes to people-related things.
I think all my memory is focused in the spatial/logical/ area of the brain
which helps remind me so much stuff in video games/computers/etc but makes
me pretty incomptent when it comes to people. I can't help but think when
I called Elizabeth Wilson(at the time Mason's current girlfriend) Nicole.
(this chick that Mason hung out with alot, enough so that many were starting
to question his faithfulness to her) I'll never forget that look on her
face when I said that. It was pretty damn funny.The way Emily described
in that stuff may me realized how anti people I can be sometimes.
*Nearing the end of the summer of '00(and the semester I took off) was
extremely depressing for me. Enough so that I contemplated suicide a handful
times and had to stop myself from doing it. It's very easy to say that
I must of blocked alot of those memories away for good.
I left the place somewhere around 2 am where upon leaving I realized I
had lost my control to the alarm. After searching for a bit I couldn't
find it so I just left. I knew my mom was going to bitch at me(despite
it not being a big deal since I can get around it now) but I didn't care
at that point I was tired.
When I got back home I wanted to check to see if the hot tub was still
on. It was one thing that really turned good for me. It was still on and
kicking. I spent a good while in there while I sat up and looked at the
stars. It was a pity I didn't know about it eariler, I would have invited
people eariler. It's alot more fun if you have people with you(especially
hot chicks since both hot tubs and hot chicks go together). Once I started
thinking about that, I got out and went to sleep. I've began to realizing
how my thinking tends to lead to the same conclusions and thoughts so
tried to get to sleep before I started to get depressed about being lonely
again. I wasn't up for feeling that again tonight.
That was pretty much the whole weekend. I have some more interesting tidbits
about what happened on the way back but I've already written a fucking
novel as it is. I should stop now as I'm getting quite sleepy. Be Well...
[2/8/2002 3:54:49 AM | Shawn Conn]
The week's almost over, almost...It'll be the end 5th or 6th week mean
the semester is near a 3rd over. Thank god. This week has been so bad
as last, I've played some Tekken here and there to make me feel a little
better. It's working so far.
In other Shawn news, I'm going home for the weekend. It's really a spur
of the moment thing, I heard Craig and Sam were going so I thought I would
join them. I have to get a few things from home and maybe I'll go see
some people too. Did I mention I'll be glad when this semseter is over.
I looked again at classes I need to take to complete my major...it's getting
close to done. From the looks of it 10-14 classes. I'm not sure as of
yet.
Hmm, topics there really isn't much on my mind as of right now. Here's
something interesting though.Teddy mentioned reminded me of a thought
I had a while back when he mentioned a certain part about the movie PI.
I'm not going to go through the whole scene as I a bit tired but the gist
of it is that once your mind becomes obssesed with a subject/topic/whatever
it tends not to let go of it and tries to look for it so much. This also
reminds me of something Newt read in a Psychology book. It talked about
how researchers actived certain parts of rat's brains by using electrical
impulses. By doing this they could make that rats, eat, sleep, or whatever
just by using electronic pulses on certain parts of the brain. They talked
about how they could make the rat continusouly press a lever if they activated
a portiion of the brain that gave it pleasure.
Which gets me to the point, as rational as our mind seems there are times
when it isn't rational at all. The brain is kind of set up in a way that
when it finds something very pleasurable it obssesses all about it and
when it finds something displeasant it wants nothing but for it to be
gone. It kind of makes sense in a way, but it leads to weird things. People
can become very irrational in times like this.
I sure know it happens to me alot. It's pretty bad when it happens. It's
usually about girls. You'd think I'd forget it after a while if it made
me feel that depressed but how I keep coming back to it. Not very rational
at all. I don't really know what to do about it. I can't really find any
chicks that I'm interested in. There are maybe like one or two people
I would be interested in but it's not a real possibility right now. Oh
well, I think it's time for some rest now. Til' next time...
[2/5/2002 2:58:14 PM | Shawn Conn]
After getting back from class I wanted to start my homework but then I
realized I should probably take a break. I tried to go to some gaming
news websites, but I really didn't get much from them. There isn't any
good game websites out there anymore. A few ok ones, but that's about
it. Actually I'm just looking for game website that news about the actual
gaming industry which there aren't that many. There was a good magazine
about the industry, Next Generation, but that like so many other gaming
websites it is no more. I think I had a year left subscription, I wonder
what's going to happen to that. Oh well, there's not much out there now.
I tried to browse a few but the connection seems slow so I though I write
a little on this before I actually get to more homwork
I wanted to find out how the hell am I so busy so went about calculating
how much of my time is spent up. Keep in mind I'm trying to use conservative
estimates.
For a 5 day week I have 5 x 24 = 120 hours.
Of those 120 I have:
120 - 8x5 = 80 hours that I'm actually awake. Of course this can change
alot. There are some days where extends to 10 just because I don't feel
like there's any reason to get up. Especially, on some day when I'm depressed.
Now I'll go through the week and see where my time is going.
I have 2 classes on Monday and Friday, because they're an hour apart I
just stay out on campus because it's pointless to wase 30 minutes of travel(15
minutes here and bacl) to have a little less than 30 minutes free time.
The classes are an hour and a hour and half so...
1/2(travel) + 1(dead time) + 1(class) + 3/2(class) = (15/4)*2(Monday and
Friday) = 7 and 1/2 which I'll round to 8
80- 8= 72 Hours
On Tuesday I have a math class, followed by a lab then later on in the
day a EE270 lecture:
3(math and lab + travel to and back) + 2( hour and half lecture with 30
min travel = 5
72-5= 67 Hours
Wed is a EE270 lab which can take 3 hours thanks to my notorious slow
partner and an hour long class later in the day
1(travel to and back from classes) + 4(class time) = 5
67-5=62 Hours
Thursday is another 2 classes whose total time rounded is about 3 hours
and travel time being 2 15min to and back trips
3+1= 4
62-4=58 Hours left
That's 58 hours, but that's not considering the homework needed to be
done...
Diff Eq Homework with journal write up can easily take 3 hours each and
there's 3 of them each week
58-3*3=49 Hours
Then there's the Diff Eq lab which take another 3 hours(last one I did
though I wasn't finished after 3 hours but oh well)
49-3=46 Hours
Luckily there's only on Math453 home work a week but that usually take
a bit longer becuse I have to recap more of what we talked about so about
4 hours
46-4=42 Hours
There's EE270 homework, it's optional but I want to do it because I want
a screw me over buffer just because I'm probably going to suck on this
test grade. It's about 3 hours
42-3=39 Hours
That leaves me with 39 Hours in the day. Of course this still isn't free
time because I haven't considered CS Projects(I think I probably spent
20-24 hours total on that last one just because it takes a while to learn
the "language" of the code generator), getting food, showering/getting
ready/etc, studying for tests.
Knock off all of that and then you'll get my free time which I probably
estimate is around 4-6 hours a day depending on whats due. With that said
I'm going to use the rest of those hours playing a game of some sort now
and then get to my homework after class.
'Til next time,
[2/4/2002 1:04:21 AM | Shawn Conn]
*sigh*
Well its Sunday and I pretty much did nothing over the weekend. Not because
I didn't want to, but because I just couldn't. I spent the weekend working
on my Scanner for my CS project. I guess I shouldn't have waited to a
couple days until it was done, but I didn't really have much of a choice
with all my other classes demanding so much. Suck, suck, suck. If anything
good happened, I guess it was me finishing the 2nd to last part on MGS2.
Now I'm at the last boss, who's just as much a bitch to kill. I hear you
get some kinda special code if you get all the dog tags and finish the
game. I'm almost there so I guess I'll find out pretty soon.
[2/1/2002 9:05:47 PM | Shawn Conn]
The semester
is a 1/4 over, thank god. I'm hating every minute of it. Yesterday, after
getting back from one class at 1130 I slept through the rest of the day.
I finished all my work except my compilers project which I started and
really have finished. Luckily it isnt' due until midnight on Sunday. Right
now I'm in a computer lab waiting for my last class of the week. And what
a shitty week it has been.
[1/31/2002 8:01:34 AM | Shawn Conn]
Another
break before more work...I just got finished with my EE270 homework and
I'm probably going to my MA 453 pretty soon. It's due today.
[1/30/2002 4:30:31 AM | Shawn Conn]
[1/27/2002 8:37:41 PM | Shawn Conn]
I shouldn't post things when I'm drunk, they tend to make
no sense. At least thats what I gathered from looking at my last entry.
Friday night was pretty damn fun. We went to a Japanese restaurant and
the food was damn good. It was quite expensive too, but I guess I'll hear
about it from my parents soon. After that, we went to Craig's to drink
40's. I had fun for a while. We ended up going to alot of places. We ended
up crashing some random person's party. I was there for all of an hour
I think. I don't remember exactly. I soon got bored soon and left. It
never seems like I have fun at parties anymore. It's been ages since I've
been a happy drunk. Maybe I should just give up on drinking altogether.
[1/26/2002 7:22:30 AM | Shawn Conn]
Why rhyme
all the time....I like the taste of lime. I talk too much. Just back in
from a fun Friday night. Did alot of things, had some fun here and there.
I could go through some of the details but its so much effort.I ended
up back home sooner than I probably should have been but I was bored.
Unfortunately, I find that happening too often in life. I like something
alot, get burnt out on it, and it will be totally boring to me afterwards.
I was at this party, I could of stayed and had some fun but it takes so
long and I have go through so much shit, it didn't seem worth. It always
seems like the same old thing. *sigh*
[1/24/2002 6:21:12 AM | Shawn Conn]
*yawn* so sleepy. I had to wait a few minutes for this last SBB movie
to upload so I thought I would blog while I'm waiting for it to finish.
[1/22/2002 1:19:13 AM | Shawn Conn]
Well it's Monday
and I have alot of work to do again. I'm about to get started on it, but
first I've still got lots to do. I'm trying to upload more SBB movies.
It's going pretty fast right now, but I think all my other connections
are crapping out. AIM won't connect, I can't log into Yahoo Groups to
post a message about the new movies to the mailling list, and websites
are being a bitch to connect to. Oh well, I guess it's a tradeoff.
Well, the update
of the SBB site is almost complete. All that remains is to upload the
remaining files, which is what is happening right now. I thought I was
going to wake in a better mood today but it feels worse. Luckily keeping
busy with the website has prevented me from feeling REALLY bad but I still
feel pretty shity.
I hate RESNET laggy connections
The lag is worse than ever
Resnet sucks big ass
the least new friends. I don't like the idea of it, just because it doesn't
take much to make me feel lonely. I thought about it for a while and I
came to a conclusion. In my ethics class we discusses the 3 types of friendships
that Aristotle thought to exist. Friendships of utility, pleasure, and
character. The trait asssociated with them would be friendships based
on mutual usefulness(Utility), mutual pleasurable experience gained(Pleasure),
and love of person's characteristic traits(Character). I think I've realized
more often than not I only strive for what Aristotle calls true friendship
that of character. Of course he also notes that one can only have so many
of these types of friends as it would be immpossible to try to learn who
every one is. I think that's where my problem lies. I strive for something
that just isnt' possible. I guess it's a fact of life that I need the
other 2 types of friendships in life, it's just that they seem so shallow
and empty that I refuse to accept that somehow. I've also noticed that
I tend to get my types of friendships mixed. That is I think that its
one type of frienship when all along it was another. *sigh* *sigh* I try
I try but yet *sigh*
[1/19/2002 6:04:21 PM | Shawn Conn]
Just finished
FFX today, what a spectactular game it's definately the best FF game since
VII or VI. With out any video games that I feel an urgency to play maybe
I'll get more work done. I've wanting to get more PS2 games(Tekken 4 is
down the road, WipeOut Fusion, GTA3, handful of other things) but there's
always that money issue. Oh well, I still haven't finished going through
the emulated version of MG and MG2(the one that wasn't ported to any system
over here) maybe I'll play one of those.
[1/18/2002
4:35:04 PM | Shawn Conn]
Looks like
the break I took helped in the long run after all. I've managed to catch
up on most of my work and I'll probably catch ahead after this 3 day weekend
break. I just finished my homework not too long ago and re-re-registered
for classes. So everythings up on the up and up. Also, I just got an email
from the server admin dude, Ernie, for the SBB movies server. Everything
is go for the update on the SBB webpage I'll do this weekend. Hopefully,
FF X and Tekken won't distract me too much. Well I guess I'd better get
to finishing up my Diff Eq. homework, til next time...
[1/16/2002 9:43:47 PM | Shawn Conn]
This semester gets more shitty with each passing day. I found out my classes
were canceled, again. I'm starting to get sick of shit that happens. Actually
it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have so much god damn work. I only have
14 credit hours and yet I'm doing alot more work than I had last semester.
I've been up since 3 am and I've been doing work since then. I just now
took a break to get some food, write this, and then sleep. I couldn't
get an answer solved so I'm taking a metaphorically bath that Sol talks
about in PI.
[1/15/2002
11:29:42 AM | Shawn Conn]
Well here
it is 6 o' clock again and I up. I think I've told fucked my sleep cycle
over. I was doing math homework since around 2 after getting back to Steak
n' Shake. I sat there at Steak n' Shake and argued with Alex forever about
you gain some much more knowledge from books than from TV(or an audio
visual presentation if you want to generalize). It was a pointless argument
though, because I was never going to get him to agree with me. Once I
inadvertently got him to concede that an average book contains more information
than the average education program(by me asking the question "why don't
they move text book to audio visual format?" and him replying "It's stupid
because it would take up way too much space") I considered it my vindication
and we left Steak n' Shake.I think he was just trying to justify he laziness
about reading which he would never say. Alex is so stubborn sometimes.
[1/14/2002 11:36:35 PM | Shawn Conn]
Just when you
think you hit the peak of your ability, that is when you'll always get
surprised by how far there is always to go. I think I've reached a new
level of Tekken mastery.That is beating the computer on Ultra Hard. When
I think of it, beating the computer isn't that hard but when you can define
a new level which you've never done before(which is to say finish the
game on Ultra Hard) you've known you've gotten better. And to top that
I beat it while half asleep( yeah I didn't get much sleep last night).
It's just occured to me that it has only taken me 3/4 a year to become
this good. There has been a whole evolution of my skill an ability:
Got the PS2 and picked up the game as it was pretty and fun to play. The
first month consisted of me unlocking most of the shit and wrestling with
the controls to see how they work. Along the way I tend to learn Heihachi
and Brian pretty well. Only learned a handle full of moves and still couldn't
grab all that well. Played alot of Tekken Bowl, never got a perfect score.(Played
Easy, Normal usually)
Summer starts and my lack of caring of job opportunities leads to alot
spent playing Tekken. I start learning more and more characters now (Xiaoyu,
Yoshimitsu, Jin were some of the first). Work on my grab skills someone.
Learn my first 10-hit which is so easy to pull off. By now I've learned
how most the moves are standardized so I can try moves with out even know
they are moves (Played Normal mostly)
After many nights of multiplayer at my house I learn common stratigies
employed by various players. Learned the art of know what to do when knocked
down, Can grab with out much effort,learned how to recognize button presses
for moves by watching the character and seeing what limb they used. All
these lead to a greater focusing on learning more characters and the recognizing
certain classes of moves(counters, popup, stuns, etc.) Start to discover
juggles. (Played Hard and sometimes Very Hard)
With the new year of classes I have much free time to kill with Tekken.
By now I've learned about more than 3/4 the characters. I can block and
do moves with out even thinking about what I'm pressing. I use popups
and tagouts frequently to practice my juggle skills. I discover parries
and sidesteps and use them where I can. By the time the semester is half
over I've pretty have an idea how I play as most characters. I've refined
my Eddy skills to a Psuedo-Button Mashing style. Also I started learning
grab chains. At some point around the semester I get a record of 2minutes
on time attack and 68 wins on survivor. Tekken 4 comes out and I play
a little of that( Played Very Hard all the time.)
Over the break I further refine my knowledge of playing people by playing
alot of Tekken 4 at the arcade. It takes a while to wrestle with playing
with a stick, but I'm getting used to it. I've learned pretty much most
the in's and out's of most of my favorite characters. I can hostly say
I'm pretty damn good with all but 4 characters(the Changs, Hworarang,
and King). I play Tetsujin and Unknown frequently to keep up with all
the characters. I can now hold my own against good people in the arcade.
[1/14/2002 10:36:15 AM | Shawn Conn]
Hmm, lets see
how this going to work out this is my first post or whatever. I dunno
why I signed up for this in the first place. Maybe it's nostalgia. Back
in the day, when I first got my computer I wrote...ALOT. After awhile
though, things got old and I found other ways to kill my time. Maybe I'll
try to go back to writing alot. Maybe it will place things in context,
ya?
Well I just undated the HTML that needed to be updated for the SBB site.
When I finished doing that, I was going to work on reorganizing the movies
but then I realized that I didn't have the info for the dude's server.
So I emailed him and hope to send the update soon. Another reason I wanted
to start a blogger is that while I was going back through the old SBB
news I realized that alot the posts sounded like me complaining so I thought
I would place it where it should be, here.
It took forever to get my homework done today. My two math courses are
very demanding notice that I'm posting this at 5am. I've only spent about
an hour doing stuff on the computer. The beginning of this semester has
been pretty shitty and looks to be more of the same. It's not the work
I mind so much, I like being challenged, but I guess the problem is I
dunno what its all for. Sure, get a degree, get a fat-paid job, but it's
not all well and good if you're not happy. Right? I sat in bed until around
6pm on Saturday wondering why I should get outta bed. I hadn't eaten anything
the day before so I was hungry, instead of getting food I just gathered
my energy by sleeping when I got back to my room on Friday. I ended up
missing a party that Friday Alex and a few other people went to. I really
wasn't all that concerned about going to it but it woulda been nice to
go to.