[5/31/2002 4:25:06 AM | Shawn Conn]
What Goes Up...Must Come Down
Like object pulled by gravity that's how I feel when I'm in better of moods. The more height I become from happines, the worse I'll feel later when I come back to the ground. That sounds alot like being manic depressive but I don't know if I really have that. I think I do have some sort of condition. Well here it is a slow Friday night...Not much shit has been going on at all. It's been mostly just sitting arounf for me.

The last conversation I had with Alex the other night on instant messanger was quite depressing. We were talking about want a girl/relationship or something like that. He asked me if I had someone in mine. I told him not anymore. We then got into a discussion about what I should be doing to find women. His suggestion was to go to bars. I've never really care for that scene. It's sort of fun I guess, but I can't imagine I would meet someone there like that. I don't have much of a presence in large social places. My voice just doesn't cary that well, so apathetic sounding, nd I find it hard to hold a conversation with someone in loud places. I talked to him about this for a while. It didn't take long for him to get tired of talking to me about it(it gets old quickly talking about the same problems). I think the conclusion was if I wasn't going to make a attempt at finding a chick at a bar, or if I don't know one that I'm interested in already that the only conclusion is nothing will happen until I get a career or move away from here. Either that or I will just keeping lowering my standards until I find someone I already know and do that. None of those options sounds appealing and in fact I hate the sound of all of them. I don't know what to do and it makes me depressed.

...So I'm going to change the subject and not think about it.

Come to think of it, there really isn't much else to discuss. I thought I had something else in mind...but wait there is something.

Shawn's in the Money
Not too long ago my credit card bank upgraded me to a Platinum account. I now have a credit limit somewhere in the thousands of dollars(8 or 10 thousand I think) which I think he damn funny consider I don't have a job. Even funnier, the card says IU alumni on it. My original credit card was originally recieved through IUS so I had got a credit card with a IUS logo on it. Well that was 4 years ago when I was a freshman, now that it's 2002 I should have graduated IU thus I think that's why they gave me the card. I guess that's more interesting stories to tell people when I use the card up at Purdue.

Shawn's back online
With the recent selling of stuff on ebay, I was able to make enough money to finance the bus trip and pick up an external 56K modem. So now I'm able to get on the internet with out having to go over to my friend's houses to do it. 56K still sucks ass but I guess it's better than nothing.

Well I wish I had more cool stuff to say but sadly I don't. So this is where I make my fairwell. I added another little blurb on the side about fun/cool/funny words to say. If you have one, you should tell me on AIM or something I want to see the list grow. Laters people...

[5/28/2002 4:16:18 PM | Shawn Conn]
Ending the Dream
For a change of pace, I've actually been waking up somewhat early in the day. Meaning I don't sleep for 12+ hours. I don't know why I've been sleeping so much lately, I think it's maybe because I've been depressed. I can usually guage how depressed I am by how much I eat. The previous two days I didn't eat much of anything. Three different types of sandwhichs and I think some type of chips is the only thing I ate Saturday and Sunday.

I've been so content (or rather I should say apathetic since content implies happiness) with not even trying or caring about what goes on around me. I've got no plans, no cares, or desires. Well maybe a few, but I'm sick of getting disappointed so apathy is my only defense from getting let down.

Yesterday, I ended up sleeping until around 4. I missed some cookout stuff going on at Cherokee Park. I'm not really mad I missed it but I am surprised I sleep so long though. The only reason I woke up even then was because my sister woke up me so I could get her beer. After I did that, I just kinda sat around the house. I burned a few MP3 CDs that I'm going to listen to for the road trip. Then I decided the things I was going to take with me for the trip. While the CDs burned, I played some more Tekken Tag. I should get some more games, but theres not much out there that I think is worth paying $50 for.

Later on that day I would end up going to Alex's to eat with his dad's family and friends. It's funny, I thought I wasn't going to hang with Alex that much this summer. I thought that I would be sick of seeing him after having to live with him for a year but I usually end up seeing him every other day. He's like the brother I've never had. If you didn't know, we are sort of related. His dad used to be married to my Dad's cousin ,I think it was, so his dad has ties to my dad's side of the family. After eating, he let me use the internet connection there to check my email and stuff.

Much later into the evening, Alex and I went to Michelle's party. I had much fun for the most part. There was alot of people there and much drinking and smoking. For the first hour or two I was pretty high. Nicole and a couple of her friends were the next people that came over and they had brought some weed with them. She was showing Michelle how to roll a joint. After we smoked that, I was feeling quite good. It was the first time in a while. Even though I've smoked a few times at Len's place, I didn't really get high at all. Go figure.

Later on in the night, things started to slow down and I was starting to get bored which usually ends up with me thinking alot then getting depressed. For a long while, I was sitting out front looking at the mass of ants that were on the sidewalk. Steve, Jason, Michelle, Steve, and Ray would eventually join the watch but at the time it was just me staring at the ants while I was sitting there dreaming. People came and gone. Some words were said.
Eventually it was me again staring at the ants. I think at some point I was trying to remember about what I was dreaming about that lead me to sleep so late that day. I don't remember it at all, but I'm pretty sure it was about a girl. It seems like something that I would dream about. It sounds like something that would keep me asleep for 12 hours. Maybe it's best that I didn't remember it. If I did, it would have meant that I was thinking about what I dreamt as soon as I woke up. Sitting there thinking about it, I would know that it was all a lie. That's probably the most depressing thing when you realize that your dreams aren't anything true at all.

Realizing all this depressing stuff, I got up and made my leave for home. Hoping for a tommorow that was filled with more fun...


[5/28/2002 4:16:16 PM | Shawn Conn]
Ending the Dream
For a change of pace, I've actually been waking up somewhat early in the day. Meaning I don't sleep for 12+ hours. I don't know why I've been sleeping so much lately, I think it's maybe because I've been depressed. I can usually guage how depressed I am by how much I eat. The previous two days I didn't eat much of anything. Three different types of sandwhichs and I think some type of chips is the only thing I ate Saturday and Sunday.

I've been so content (or rather I should say apathetic since content implies happiness) with not even trying or caring about what goes on around me. I've got no plans, no cares, or desires. Well maybe a few, but I'm sick of getting disappointed so apathy is my only defense from getting let down.

Yesterday, I ended up sleeping until around 4. I missed some cookout stuff going on at Cherokee Park. I'm not really mad I missed it but I am surprised I sleep so long though. The only reason I woke up even then was because my sister woke up me so I could get her beer. After I did that, I just kinda sat around the house. I burned a few MP3 CDs that I'm going to listen to for the road trip. Then I decided the things I was going to take with me for the trip. While the CDs burned, I played some more Tekken Tag. I should get some more games, but theres not much out there that I think is worth paying $50 for.

Later on that day I would end up going to Alex's to eat with his dad's family and friends. It's funny, I thought I wasn't going to hang with Alex that much this summer. I thought that I would be sick of seeing him after having to live with him for a year but I usually end up seeing him every other day. He's like the brother I've never had. If you didn't know, we are sort of related. His dad used to be married to my Dad's cousin ,I think it was, so his dad has ties to my dad's side of the family. After eating, he let me use the internet connection there to check my email and stuff.

Much later into the evening, Alex and I went to Michelle's party. I had much fun for the most part. There was alot of people there and much drinking and smoking. For the first hour or two I was pretty high. Nicole and a couple of her friends were the next people that came over and they had brought some weed with them. She was showing Michelle how to roll a joint. After we smoked that, I was feeling quite good. It was the first time in a while. Even though I've smoked a few times at Len's place, I didn't really get high at all. Go figure.

Later on in the night, things started to slow down and I was starting to get bored which usually ends up with me thinking alot then getting depressed. For a long while, I was sitting out front looking at the mass of ants that were on the sidewalk. Steve, Jason, Michelle, Steve, and Ray would eventually join the watch but at the time it was just me staring at the ants while I was sitting there dreaming. People came and gone. Some words were said.
Eventually it was me again staring at the ants. I think at some point I was trying to remember about what I was dreaming about that lead me to sleep so late that day. I don't remember it at all, but I'm pretty sure it was about a girl. It seems like something that I would dream about. It sounds like something that would keep me asleep for 12 hours. Maybe it's best that I didn't remember it. If I did, it would have meant that I was thinking about what I dreamt as soon as I woke up. Sitting there thinking about it, I would know that it was all a lie. That's probably the most depressing thing when you realize that your dreams aren't anything true at all.

Realizing all this depressing stuff, I got up and made my leave for home. Hoping for a tommorow that was filled with more fun...


[5/26/2002 6:34:49 PM | Shawn Conn]
I was running. I was running from something I wasn't really sure of at the time. Whatever it was, I was damn sure it wasn't going to catch me. My surroundings happen to be a forest beside a road which was some what away from the rest of civilization. That's about all I can remember. I was scared, I remember that. The thing about fear is that it only exists when you're not sure of what's happening or what's going on. If people knew exactly what would happen when they died, the fear of death probably wouldn't be so great.

Anyway, I was running and it was then that I heard people calling my name.Then I woke. I realized that it wasn't people(plural) but rather a person(singular) that was calling me. It was Saturday 2 P.M. I went to bed around 3am but yet I still sleep longer than usual. Was I was no longer dreaming all I could see is the blackness of my room. As all my short term memory of the dream was fading out I was recalling what exactly happened in it. The memories have since then disappeared but I remember I was in that lucid state where you know that you are dreaming. It's usually at this point in your dreams that the stuff you want to happen ends up happening just because you're thinking about it. I thought it strange that I would keep willing myself to run pointless over and over.

Focusing back on the real world, I realized that it was Lenny who was calling my name. I meant to come to Jeff High Graduation today at 10A.M. but I had slept alot longer than I expected. When he came in, I was looking for my clothes to put on. He was exclaiming about graduation and such. He was telling about hanging with Katie, this chick he likes. I felt happy for him for his news. It wasn't too long after that though that I was thinking about the opposite sex and whatnot then a feeling of saddness came over me. I remember that's what I was thinking about the night before. Not wanting to feel any worse about this, I stopped thinking about it. It wouldn come up later in a conversation I would have later with Len, but for now I was thinking about other things.

He told me that I should come over and have a beer or something like that at his house where he was having a family graduation party. I could tell by the way he was suggesting that he wanted some one to talk to that whose only conversation focus would be, "so what are you going to do now?" I remember hearing that question over and over when I graduated. "So how's school?" is another perfunctory question I hear quite often these days. I'm rather sick of hearing it myself. I did end up going over there and eating a little food and drinking some beer and talking to the few members of the Popp family I do know. Since I don't really have much in common with them though it's not really anything worth mentioning here. I'm sure you can fill in the details for yourself.

Deus Ex Machina
A little after pointless details and meaningless conversations, I found myself hanging with Len out front with my 2nd beer. I hadn't eaten anything today so the beer was going straight to my bloodstream and I was feeling a little better about things.

"So Katie came over last night. We smoked a bowl and watched T2." Len tells me again.
"Yeah, so you told me early."
"Did I already tell you that?"
"Hmm, I guess I forgot. It was on my mind and I wasn't sure if I told you yet."

That's just a little bit of my conversation with Len. At some point after talking more about chicks and whatnot the conversation turned to me and he asked me when I was going to find a girl. I told him I don't know and I'm just too picky and even when I do find someone I like, it's not as if they feel the same way about me either that or there will be something or other that I will do to fuck it up.

As I went on with my whole take on the situation I close with, "I guess I'm too picky for my own good."
"Be as picky as you want I say"
"Yeah well it doesn't help much."
"Well don't worry things will work out in the end."

This little bit of conversation triggered another rant of mine. I went on to tell Len how I don't believe in that. The only reason "things work out in the end." is because either you have since forgotten about the problem after a bit of time or you've given up on trying to do anything about it. Either way, the problem wasn't resolved just relocated.

"You know what? Things do work themselves out in the end. Eventually you die. At which point you don't really have much to worry about at all." That's how finished that subject. I bit negative I know but that's how I feel about all of this. We talked a little more and went back inside his house. I made my exit a little bit after that, I was starting to feel down about things.

As I hopped back to my computer, I began to look at the Deus Ex wallpaper. The game's title come from Deus Ex Machina (in Latin "God from the Machine"). Aside from it's literal translation, it's also a term for a plot device. In greek play, where there was conflict that couldn't be resolved through any possible means often there would be a god of some sort that would come out of nowhere to fix the whole matter. That's the basis for the term. Generally, it can be used to describe anything that resolves a confict through a means that's pretty much the far-fetched equivalent of god arriving and just fixing the situation.

Not only is it a sign of lazy writing and thinking in story developing, it's also complete bullshit. I don't like the idea of giving people false hopes. I'm tired of people telling me "things will work out in the end" because sometimes it just doesn't. I'm sick of thinking about being lonely and I'm just as sick about writing it. I can do all the analyzing I want but it doesn't help anything unless I come up with something to do about it.

Since there's nothing to say about this topic that I haven't said before so I move on.

Deathmatch Deathfest
Later on in the day while I waits for things to happen, Alex ends up calling me. We plan to go to Steve's then Lenny's afterwards. I sat around mostly doing nothing until that happened. Just sitting and staring off into space. I was still feeling shitty up to that point. It got to the point where I felt dead inside. I didn't want to do anything else but stop thinking how bad I felt.

When Alex stopped by, I still felt that way. When we to Steve's and saw people, I still went that way. When I went to Lenny's, I still felt that way. Everyone there was trying to cheer me up and I appreciated it but it still didn't really help. I guess feeling bad was my only thing on my mind that day because when I got there to Len's place to setup the playstations I realized that I had forgotten the two copies of DOOM. Alex and I ended up going back to my house for beer and the copies DOOM.

When I got back and we started Deathmatch Deathfest I felt better but that's just because my mind wasn't on feeling bad but the game. Since no one really was much of a challenge against me, I stopped playing after a while.

Most of the time after that I was sitting around just staring off into space thinking about hopeless negativity. Once again people tried to cheer me up, I don't know why I didn't feel better. I think its because I've felt this way before and trying to cheer up never really helped things the last time so why should it be any different here. I don't remember when but at some point when I was sitting outside Chris decided to try to cheer me up in his special way of headbutting me on my head. My head was already hurting so this really didn't help. I appreciated his concern but he was drunk as fuck and probably didn't realize that I meant it when I told him to stop.

As I moved around he felt the need to follow, at some point Emily decide to chase me as well. It was at this point that I head down the stairs and down the alley way. At which point I started to run from them. Surprisingly, I was able to get 3/4 around the block without getting winded. When I stopped, they had given up and I was free to walk around. As I was walking back, I was thinking about my dream that started the day and thinking if anything is really going to change. I willed myself in my dream to run from something that I didn't know and here I was running again. As I went up the stairs I was wondering if maybe there's something about me that isn't making me happy. Not that I'm wanting to be unhappy, but that there might be something wrong with me.

As I got to the top, I sat down on the car seat on the balcony. I sat there and just closed my eyes. I didn't want to see anything anymore. It was all so confusing. Being happy or sad, I didn't really care anymore. Chris and Emily did finally come back and in their attempts to wake me, he headbutted me while she hit my legs. I was tired and I didn't really care much about anything anymore. When I open my eyes, I saw that Michelle was sitting next to me. She looked quite and more tired than I was. Asked if she was ok and she told me she was. We talked about something, I'm not sure exactly what it was as my memory was quite hazy.

As the night passed on I did end up feeling a little better. I talked to Steve alot about things and about regets and wanting to be happy and whatnot. The bus trip came up and he told me he really wished that I would come as I told him the night before that I wasn't able to. I'm not sure exactly all the details of his arguments but it was enough to convince that I would be happier than I would getting a job so I told him I would go on the trip. I thing one of the things I do remember talking about Steve with was that it's only you that can make you yourself happy. Things might be shitty but at some point I guess you just have to realize that it can't always get worse. The best thing to do is try to just make the best of things and go for things that will try to change your attitude.

When I finally did leave the party I did feel better about things. But still ask myself am I'm still going to change what is wrong or am I going to end up doing the same shit over. It's probably going to be the latter of the two. I don't know if things will change in the end. It sure doesn't feel like it ever changes.

I wish I had a way to change things but it's always the same. I've been thinking that maybe theres something mentally wrong with me and maybe I should see someone about it. Then again maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I'm just tired of feeling lonely. Or maybe it's that I'm tired of hearing people talking about hooking up with other people. I'm sick of seeing people pair off and me feeling like I'm left out.

I see that I'm starting to get back what I was trying to avoid in the first place. I think it best if I quit before I start talking about more bullshit. 'til next time.

[5/21/2002 10:17:57 PM | Shawn Conn]
My Spoon is too big
I wish I had some exciting tales about my life to talk about but alas I don't. Other than the big camping trip Saturday on the bus it's been rather uninteresting. Well, it hasn't been anything that hasn't been done before I guess. I keep feeling as if I should take my life in other directions: Something new and different. But it always falls back to the same stuff. I wish the weather would change, I would like to open the pool and go swimming but always so cold and rainy. The hot tub is opened and I cleaned it not too long ago. I've used it every now and then, but I haven't really invited anyone else to join me. It's pretty dead around this house. My parents are gone alot as well as my sister and when I'm here I just want to be anywhere but here. I think I've really only had people over here once this summer.

In other news, SBB is still getting over a 100 hits a day. It's been rather low lately so I think that's it's going to trail off but we'll see. Oh yeah, if you read this go to Google and search for Backyard Boxing. Make sure you just click on the Steve's Backyard Boxing link. We were listed as #1 a while back. One day this guy at Salon.com emails me about interviewing Steve and I I gave him our phone numbers but he never did call us. He ended up doing his article and somehow it managed to be #1 listed on google. I don't know how but it sucks, we deserve so much more to be #1. Since part of Google's ranking system is based on how popular it is the more people we get to click just the SBB address when google is searched the more of chance we have to get listed as #1 again.

My spoon...is too big
For those people looking for stuff to do Thursday. At Lenny's Apt on 3rd and Lee in Louisville, we're going to have what I think is going to be the final chapter in the DeathMatch DeathFest saga. We were going to have it a long while back, but unfortunately we got sidetracked. I've already secured the 2 playstations and 2 copies of DOOM and the link cable needed. Len's going to provide the TV and place. It's going to be much fun. Hope to see you guys there(whomever that is).

My spoon is too big!
I'm trying to think of any topics that I've lately thought about and are worth writing down. There's about one I can think of and that's about all my friends(which I now believe is the majority) that have sworn off meat. I've thought about the arguments and I respect their descion to stand up something they believe in, the only way I would stop eating meat is for health reasons.

The ethical treatment of animals doesn't really bother me when it comes to livestock for food. The way I look at it is that the moral treatment of animals is not the same as it is for people. They don't have the same logic capacities as we do. Alot of moral descions stem from trying to control ourselves from that which desire by using the logic that tells us what is right. As far as animals are concerned, that rationalizing that leads to moral problems in us doesn't exist. All they know is to follow their desires. That's why I have no problem with using animals as food. I don't have much sympathy for something as simple minded. I don't mean to sound that cold-hearted but that's what it comes to. Of course not all animals are the same level of intelligence, the issue becomes alot more grey when you start to talk about more intellgent animals as monkeys or such. But what I'm talking about is livestock animals: cows, pigs, chickens, etc. Animals that are probably not aware of the details of their confinement in the least and live their life only by what their instincts and desires tell them. It's hard to feel anything morally empathizing toward something you could reason with.

But alot of people do, I can understand that. I certainly don't accept the needless killing or maming of animals for the fun of it, but when it comes to the issue of food its a different story. The common argument is that if you saw the slaughterhouses where your food was prepared that the shock of it would make you understand. Seeing the horrific things done to animals would trigger that internal conscious that says something is wrong here and you probably wouldn't want to eat meat again. I don't understand the argument this argument though. If you could see what your food(regardless of what it was) looked like as it made it's way through your entire body, you probably wouldn't be very apt to eat much of anything. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the digestive system. It's just not something we're used to seeing therefore it shocks us. The whole issue of looking at how your food was really made only works if you think of animals on the same level of people. I don't, so it doesn't bother me thinking about the slaughter of so many animals.

The only other major issue is that of the pollution caused by livestock farms. It might just be that its a out-of-sight-out-of-mind issue with me, but I don't think it's a huge problem. Almost all industries cause pollution regardless, it's just matter of weighting the damage vs. benefit. To me, food is a pretty high benefit for people. Also, when it comes to pollution I think more people believe that we have more power to annihilate our ecosystem them we actually do. Yes, we can cause big problems to it and if we probably intentionally tried we could destroy the ecosystem. But in the scope of things human civilization is as powerful as many think it is. The universe as well as the Earth is billions of years old. Human civilization is probably at most 10,000 years. Life was on this planet before us and it will be after us(until the Sun supernovas). Life adapts to it's enviroment. Regardless of what we do to this planet, the planet is alot bigger than our cities, structures, people, and all of that. Our influence in this system is probably way overestimated. I'm not saying that we shouldn't hold industries and people responsible for the mess they cause, nor that I'm trying to say that pollution won't hurt us. I'm saying in the big scheme of things our species is way more arrogant about it's influence on this planet than it should be.

But what do I know? Maybe I say too much for my own good sometime. This is probably a good note to leave on so it's time for me to vanish...poof

[5/17/2002 6:55:53 PM | Shawn Conn]
It's been a while hasn't it? Actually I'm not really sure anymore my sense of time is a little messed but regardless another day has passed and I've got actually alot to say.

The Clones Attack!
Icidently happened to be the title of the new Star Wars movie, but as Craig pointed out they heard of my naming convention and turned it to Attack of the Clones. Will and I saw it yesterday and it was everything I was expecting to be. I was much impressed by it (alot moreso than with Episode I) and I reccommend to anyone.

Tekken Combat Zen
Before the Movie yesterday Will and I got some games of obligitory games of Tekken 4 to play. There wasn't any people around so it was more of a practice session than anything else(we both switched off playing against the CPU). Will was doing pretty well until he fought and lost against Steve Fox. At that point he started to let his anger get the best of him which didn't do much for his game. He ended up falling for Steve's unblockable numerous times, I think he ended up wasting a $1.50 because he was pissed and just wanted to beat the CPU. Good for RiverFalls, bad for Will. He ended up redeeming himself, but if there's one thing I've learned from playing Tekken it's that you shouldn't get angry. If you start getting pissed at the way you're playing, you start focusing on how you're doing and not what you're opponent is doing. That path leads quickly to the road of self destruction.

HollyWood: Don't Believe It's Lies
Back on the subject of Star Wars, There just happens to be a "love story" in the latest one if you didn't know. And pretty much what I was expecting it was pure garbage. Fully of dumb cliches that have been around since longer than I've been around. I guess I can't blame them that much(remembering it's primarily an action/adventure movie which does that part quite well) , they had to put it in the movie because it's a important part to further storyline but did they have to make it so blatently dumb? It could be that I'm feeling so negative about not finding love(read on later to find out more!), but rather I think people don't really care to think outside of the box and try something different. It's alot easier to put your brain auto pilot and regurgitate the same stuff seen in prior movies.

I just like to point out two really stupid things I've seen in relationships in movies lately.

-In the godawful comedy "40 Days, 40 Nights" The main character who's name isn't worth the effort remembering finds a girl that really cares about. But he can't have sex with her and even getting the least bit physical could tempt him to break his vow of 40 days of without sex. So after a bit of dating he realized that he be best that he tries to avoid. For some reason or another she finds out about it. He tries to explain it to her, but does she sit there and just listen to why he's been avoiding her and why he didn't tell her about not able to have sex? No. She doesn't the typically stupid woman thing to do and get's pissed off for no apparent rational reason. He then spends the next few scenes trying to apologize. Why!? I don't understand why she's mad or why he's apologizing. It's just dumb.

-In Spiderman, right after the scene where the Green Goblin and Spiderman fight in the burning the building. They both have to meet for a Thanksgiving dinner as their alter egoes. Well the Green Goblin notices that Spiderman is Peter Parker and then rushed to make an exit. His son, who brought his girlfriend over so he could met her, talks to him on the way out. While she hears the conversation, the green goblin accuses her of being a gold digger. His son replies "No dad, you're wrong about her." He then bursts into a fanatical rant then leaves. The son comes back in and his girlfriend , now upset, yells "Thanks for defending me!" in a saracastic tone as she storms off. What the fuck, he did defend her!

When comes to relationships in movies, the scriptwriters are brain dead.

I don't like to spurt out the same rehtoric over and over(it's on the same level of regurgitating the same shit told to me with out thinking one bit about it). So maybe I'll just point out why I think this in a very discrete method.

1. When people grow and learn about the concepts of what love in the US there is two major sources: Their parents and observing the rest of the world.
2. Parents have the most influence on your concept of love than anything but if your parents were like most American parents(mine sure were)a good portion of your life isn't spent with them for numerous reasons that I don't want to get into.
3. When you're young(and very impressionable) your contact with the rest of the world is limited just because your a kid. You'll probably have friends of your age, but most certainly they don't know love is.
4. What fills the void of information about love that isn't covered by your Parents or rest of the world is the other source of the world that is always around us: media(news,pictures, TV, books, movies, etc.).
5. Looking at what popular media portrays as love is idealized and perfect. It's planned, scripted, ordered and above all fake. It actuality, love is far from that.
6. People growing up on these ideas will have them ingrained in their head thinking that love is andif they don't think for themselves they will believe nothing but that.
7. Once people are adults those ideas(if never changed by thought) get passed onto a new generation as they raise kids.
8. The cycle of bullshit continues

There's my 8 step cycle of bullshit. Take it for what you will...

Not Wanting to be Another Cog in the Wheel
I was talking to Ted to last night as I was trying to get a hold of people. He called me from Hollywood Video so once again the subject of work came up. He was telling me that he's considering putting his two weeks in. I told him, that he probably should. He speaks so much ill of it I can't see how he can be happy. When he mentioned that I indavertently burst into a rant that I felt would be good to share here.

The problem I have getting a job is I'm always afraid that I'm going to end up doing something dumb and mindless. Every job I worked at it seems like no one ever respects my opinion. They just want some drone who making minimum wage to do whatever it's told. I never really feel like I'm a part of anything. I feel as if my employers just want me to be a robot doing whatever redundant task it's told. I hate that feeling, I hate it with a passion. When I go into to stores, places of commerce or whatever there's always the atmosphere of that's devoid of human life. Consumers are there to consume, employees are there to provide. That's all. I hate feeling that. I don't think there's really anyone to blame. Employees probably don't care to be there and consumers probably just want to get what they wanted and go on with whatever they were doing. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Lately I have found myself trying to converse with the employees at whatever establishment I might frequent. You can tell more often than not they're glad someone is treating them like a person and not just another cog in the wheel of our economy. Doing that always gives me hope that job doesn't have to be painfully boring.

I really feel sorry for Ted who tries to be so polite and tries to converse with the customers only for them to lash at him when they don't have a copy of whatever flavor of week movie that's now out at the store. It's consumers and employees like that who are only concerned with earning money or buying a product that make work such a drab, horrible lifeless place to be. In the end, I guess people are only concerned about a job/store insofar that they get what they want out of it goods/services/money. But life isn't about money damnit!

I wish I at answers to change "the system" but alas I don't. *sigh*

A Whole Lot of Love to Give, No one to Give It To
On the note of talking to employees: a little story. There was this slightly attractive chick working at the booth. Will, being the guy that he has become lately, was trying to hit on her of course.

"Hi !" Will says.

I've noticed recently Will when conversing with employees at stores will notice their name tag and call them that. It's always a nice surprise to give someone, you can always see it in their eyes the shock of calling someone by their name and not treating them as machine.

"Hello" says the chick(I'm horrible with remember people's names,faces, etc. so I couldn't hope to remember it)
"Two for Attack of the Clones. Wait. Do you want to go see it with us?"
"No. I can't I've got to work."

At this point I chime in.

"Awww, come on there's still 268 seats left."
She looks down at the monitor then looks at me smiling and says, "How did you know that?"
"Psychic Powers"
"Yeah, he's strange like that" Will claims.

"Right..." she says.
"ok, whatever don't believe me." I chime back.
"So do want to go see it with us?" Will inquries agin.
"No I can't."
"Ok, we'll take the two tickets then"

As Will and I walked away we both exclaime how smooth that was. I didn't really think about it until much later how women are impressed by stupid shit like that.

At this point I'm might start offending some people.

I've been thinking long and hard about why I end up getting hurt so much when it comes to love. At some point the pain you feel has no effect anymore. At which point you've actually got to think about what is wrong and learn from your experiences. For too long I've been thinking with my heart instead my head.

I was talking to my sister eariler about trying to get chicks and she said something to the effect. "You should try to show them that you'll be there for them, be their friend and all that." I love my sister dearly, but that's so much bullshit. I'm sure she was being honest but what women say they want and what they actually want is so much different. Women don't make any sense when it comes to relationships. I thought about every female(my mom, my sister, my sister friends, my female friends) where I know the details of their relationship, and in everyone their significant other at one time has treated them like shit and yet they still, in quite a vulgar metaphor, bend over and take it in the ass. The only thing that varies is their breaking point.

I've always tried to maintain a certain a respect for any person just because morally ,regardless of who they are, they are a person and people have the capacity of rational thought and reason(which means they can have their own set of moral laws which I can respect) but thinking about this as seriously undermined what I think about women.
Keep in mind when I say women I mean the gender not the sex. There's nothing inherently wrong with females. Gender and sex are totally different.

The goal with me has always been to pursue a relationship. Gathering from what I have seen I'm pursuing the wrong thing. I'm starting to think that maybe what I should of done is what I was doing a few years ago. The goal being getting sex and not a relationship. I don't know if this sounds strange or not, but it's alot easier to get sex from a chick then it is to get a relationship. Flirting and smooth talking chicks is not something I really like to do but I have and can do it. A long while back it got me a girl and while I bet most people are always in interesting stories about getting some action I'm trying not to turn this post into a novel. The only problem is I found that after the fun was over it lead nowhere and left me wholly unsatisfied. I'm beginning to think that maybe I was just thinking way too much after it was over, it's a vice I have at times.

Ironically enough, the girls I care about enough I don't flirt with at all. I guess it's because I respect them enough to treat them like their more than just some dumb chick who I can impress with some dumb small talk so I can get into her pants. But they have shown me that is all that they want. For a long time, I've been doing the same thing the same dumb thing that I see women doing. I've try to show that whatever girl that I'm currently have feelings for that I care about them, only for them to show their apathy toward me. Yet I still do the same stuff over and over again regardless thinking that something will change. I've got to tell myself: never again.

I guess the only way to show a woman you care about her is shoving your cock in to her. I guess then she would get the point(note: pun). Maybe it makes sense seeing how women do consider sex more of a emotional thing than men do. I don't know really. There are certainly a lot of generalizations I made alot of things and I could be wrong about anything but I think I'll probably be much more happier this way.

I've had various bits of depression this past few months because there was a girl that I liked(whose name is hidden to protect the embarrased/angered/whatever) but I didn't know what to do about it. But I'm no longer going to blind to world I see around me. I'm not going to stay depressed about stuff I can't control, I'd rather see what I'm looking at change myself to adapt that. I guess that's about all I can do.

Well, it's time for me to keep on keeping on...Til Next time.

[5/15/2002 6:04:36 PM | Shawn Conn]
Burnt Out on Life
Is that the feeling to call it? Maybe not, but that's what I'm feeling. I don't know even know why I waste my time composing this. Hopefully...maybe...I like to think it's doing something positive, but I digress...

If you didn't know, Bizzare Magazine has us listed on their top spot on their links page and the number of hits for the site has now gone into the 100's a day. That has got me inspired to work on the webpage again.

So there I was working on the webpage, not really doing much anything else and then I suddenly feel a wave of panic come over me. I don't know really how or why or even what to decribe it has but I felt uneasy. I felt like I should be doing something else than sitting here. I felt trapped. I decided that maybe I should talk to someone or even just have someone else in my company. I also needed to contact a couple of people about things I needed for the site so I figured kill two birds with one stone and all that. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get a hold of people I needed or wanted to talk to. So I just sat there uneasy.

The funny thing about emotions and feelings they have their sort of gravity/momentum to them. If you keep feeling a certain way, you tend to keep feeling that until a force acts on it to change it. As I was feeling uneasy, I realized this and tried to put myself in a better mood. In a bit, I started to feel better but I was starting to feel ill. At this point I decided to go to Alex's just to have someone else to be with. When I got there he wasn't doing anything but playing games so he really wasn't too talkitive so that didn't help. I wanted to check my schedule for next semester so I did that then checked some websites, and some email plus talking to people online.

While doing this, I couldn't help but feel like I'm losing touch with my friends. It sounds silly, but I just keep feeling like the longer things have been going the further I drift from my friends. The fact that I was with so many of them the night before says just the opposite of that but somehow I feel like they none of them don't care about me anymore. I wanted to shake this off so Alex and I went to Denny's. As we headed toward Denny's, I was listening to silence in the car(my CD player didn't want to work at the moment) and wondering what's the problem. I shouldn't feel this bad. I was feeling so great yesterday.

When I came into Denny's Steve and Casey were there with another person. As we greeted them, they both made note of how upset I looked. Even though I didn't feel that bad it must of been if people could tell. I was able to shrug it off for most the night but as I was coming home I didn't have much think about so I started to think about it again.

I don't know if there is a term for it, but in order for the mind to feel the same amount of pleasure or pain from something it takes more and more amounts of whatever is. Your body just kind of adjusts itself to whatever it feels and thus it takes a more extreme feeling to change things for better or worse. The way we adjust our eyes for light, our tolerance to substances, our emotions all have this kind of behavior. I've hopped between feeling really good and really bad in the past few days I just don't know what to feel about certain things anymore. I'm confused what to feel and what should be done about it. Just thinking about this makes my head start to hurt. I think I'm making myself ill from just my emotions(I guess that's something like psychosomatic(sp)).

I'm pacing the same circle again and I don't like it. It's old and boring, at least I don't feel nearly as upset about it anymore. I can't really feel the same amount of pain from something that's just getting so redundant and boring. On the other hand apathy isn't much better. Apathy is just a road to a slow grinding death.

You know what I think death is like? Certainly it definately depends on how you die but I here's what I think what happens when your brain is starting to die. When I was giving plasma for the for the first time, my body certainly didn't like it and near the end I was getting tired, very cold, and dizzy from the lack of oxygen my blood cells would be providing. As I tried to stay conscious, I kept wanting to fall asleep. I had my eyes open but as I looked around everything started to fade. You know those spots you see when you look at bright objects? Regularly they kind fall into the "background" as you notice all the stuff around you that aren't the spots. Well imagine that those spot manage to overwhelm you as they grow in numbers and they start to block out what you're looking around you. That's what started to happen. Everything just faded to white as I think it was the lack of oxygen going to my brain. That's what I think it looks like when you die.

Fading...fading...fading to white as you get more....and....more....tired.... untill..........you............just............ stop.................ddddrrrreeee...........................

[5/13/2002 5:48:38 PM | Shawn Conn]
Living Well and Doing Well...
I don't know why, but lately I've been really happy. Nothing really has changed from last time, but I feel good. When you're not looking for happiness I guess it's easy to find. It's pretty funny like that. Last time, I talked about wanting a relationship so much but I really don't care all that much any more. Sure I guess it would be nice but I really don't care as much as I did before. I still feel the same way about Emily but I just don't feel any sense of urgency to do anything about it. Hmm...Oh well.

Other than that, life as been pretty dull. I thought there would be more people around to do things with but surprisingly they all seem to be busy with other things. I keep feeling a need to get a job(I will try to get one before the month is up) but it seems to me anything I do will suck. As much as I bitched about it, learning new things and using my brain is the kind of work I enjoy doing. That's why I still enjoy computer science and math I guess. Every job I get, I do nothing but some mindless task over and over. The sheer tedium is enough to drive to edge. Sure there are jobs out there that isn't that but isn't one I can get without a degree. Probably not. There are a few jobs that sound appealing to me but I haven't really pursued them yet. I guess the reason I haven't tried so much is that the money concern isn't so dire as I thought. Well at least it won't be for another month is my sell goes through on Ebay. But at some point before the end of the month I'm going to have to get off my lazy ass and get a job. It's too bad I can't get easily motivated about it.

Other Stuff
I have put an MP3 of the Week in a while thanks to lack of an internet connection but regardless I still have new stuff for you guys. Actually two things:

First off, this here's a letter By Teddy Gohmann entitled "please frank"

"please frank" by Ted Gohmann:

Dear Frank and the whole Denny's Staff,

I am most distraught and saddened that I can
still no longer visit my home away from home.


Please let me back in!

My life was so much better back then. Everyone
is deserving of a second chance.

Please Frank, Please, Please everyone,

Let me shine once again like the 2.99 Grand Slam!!!

My life has gone completely down the toilet ever since
my demise from my precious precious Dennys!

The word Dennys and it's logo used to bring so many
joyous memories to me. Now it brings nothing but torment, loathing,
and hatred. We all do silly silly things.

Why is it other members of the guilty party have been admitted back in,
but not myself? Why Why Why?

Is it my hair? Is it my voice? Is it the way I dress?

Is it because of my blubbery blobbery body?

I admit at times, I was exceptionally loud and obnoxious, but
thats only because you have coffee that once you start drinking,
you just can't stop!

It's not often in a person's life, that they have a chance, to do something
truely great. Like God spoke to Moses.

Now is the time to do something great, to let me back in, to let me redeem my life, to be
part of something I was once such an integral part of, that is part of the Dennys experience!

My life was once advancing at a geometric rate, now, I am dreaming about people touching
telephone lines, while consciously knowing they will get electricuted.

I ask myself, why is this happening? The answer is withen me all the time, it was the time I was
banished from Dennys!

Please Frank, Please, please everyone!

Accept this offering as a token of my gratitude!

If I can't be there in Dennys, at least my photo can be there in spirit!

In honor of myself, please place it on the front door of Dennys!

If not on the door, on the glass display where you oh so graciously decorate to stay
in touch with the current celebrational periods of the year!

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Well that’s true for everyday except one...

the day you die."

I know that when I die, I don't want to go thinking that I never got to be accepted back in
to the place I truly cherished!

Peace Peace Peace,

Please Please Please,

Sincerely Sincerely Sincerely,


Secondly, there are the two trailers for Good Cop, Bad Cop(Ted's and Grahman's) that I've had on my webspace for awhile. Ted is shooting to release before the month is up but is has become afraid of what the masses might say. The final cut is looking somewhere in the length of 2 hours or so and given Ted's sense of direction in films he thinks that people are not ready for such a undertaking. I've seen rough cuts of the movie and I still think it's has some pretty good parts regardless. Hopefully I'll convince him to release it soon.

Before I go, I should mention that most the films are in DiVX format so that means you'll probably need this or this codec before the video should show up. And if you don't have the audio, you'll need this MP3 codec.

Well that's about all I got. I've I things to be and places to see. Til next time guys...

[5/10/2002 3:12:56 PM | Shawn Conn]
Playin' for Keeps
The theme for today is questioning reality. That's what I've been doing. There have been lapses in my life currently where I've been feeling quite unhappy and when I think about it the only thing that's causing it is that I don't have some other person that I can say I care about and they care about me. A girlfriend or soemthing like that. You know, if you keep talking about a subject a make a big deal about you start to forget what the hell you're talking about. At this point, I really don't know if it's going to make me happy anymore. I think the next time someone brings up the subject, I'm just going to turn and walk the other way. It's just sad.

I was watching Syler and the other pup that Claire has been recently taking around with her. If you watch other people give the pup attention you can easily see how Syler gets upset and starts to try to get attention from others. Looking at that has made me think that people aren't really much different. Everyone wants to be loved or something stupid like that. The last blog I wrote I mentioned about really wanting someone special to me. I think Emily is that person, but the more I think about it the more I just wonder if it really mattered at all who it was.

The world is full of lies and I'm starting to think everything around me is nothing but a lie. I don't feel happy thinking about not having other person, but why should I think that? I keep trying to tell others of my problem but never solves anything, all they have to tell me is some lame stuff that I've already heard before. Relying on others for changing a situation is weak because it doesn't do anything. I'm beginnning to think that talking is just about as useful.

It's about this time when you look at yourself and realize something must change. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, it does nothing to solve anything. What am I going to do about is the question?

If I killed myself would anything be different? I don't think it would. One good thing about feeling depressed is you don't fear death. I don't think I have fear of dying anymore. I've considered suicide a handful of times. I doubt things would get as bad to do it, but I realize that the time we're here matters not much of anything. I'm not in a rush to do antying but die. It's the eventually conclusion to everything. The rest are details in between.

Are their other options? That's something I've been thinking about. I don't think I'm going to come up with anything different though. I mean, trying to solve unhappiness is a self defeating purpose. Why bother?

Isn't that a cool word? I've been thinking about this too lately. I don't know if I'm using it in it's true sense but I'm talking about my perception of time, events and such. My ability to remember events and such is mostly what I'm talking about. I have quite the ability to remember things, I have a pretty good memory as I tend to remember alot of details about things going on around me. The more I think about it though, it's rather deterimental to my happiness. For example, tonight Nate mention something to me that reminded me of quite bad memories. Those memories don't really serve a purpose in anyway and in fact are hurting me. Of course there are good times that remember too which I guess are helpful, but in the end does it matter? I don't want to live in the past, that doesn't help anything that's going on right now. I think the best thing in the end is to forget it all. Let it all fade away. It's not helping me, it's not helping anyone.

Wrapping it Up
Now I'm looking for a conclusion to all of this. Remember when I mentioned something about there being a need for something to be changed. That's what I'm getting at. You know, something to conclude on so I have a some sort of conclusion. There won't be a conclusion however, things will continue to happen the same way and I'll continue to go around in a circle mindlessly. One day, I would like think that I'm going to wake up and things will change. They never do. What's a person to do?

As I flip through songs in Winamp trying to find something inspriring I realize the futility in even bothering with it. I'm starting to noticet the lethargy coming from my hands as type. I'm getting tired, I'll be asleep soon. The person you are now, won't be the same person tommorow. I wonder if I will be a better or lesser person by then. Does it really matter though in the end? It's not as if you're choosing between anything. That person you'll be the next day will soon be gone too. I think that maybe I should let go who I am and just focus on what's around me. Shawn, The Man With the Name that Rhymes, Conn is starting to become some whose tired with life. I don't want to think I'm going to end up killing myself because I'm bored with life. I'll dwell on this as I fall asleep wondering what tommorow will be.

[5/9/2002 8:49:39 PM | Shawn Conn]
Running Myself Into the Ground

Things have been quite down lately. It's not that anything is going horribly bad, it's just that things aren't going as great as I expected. This summer has been mostly drab and boring, I'm beginning to start wanting a job just so I can have something to do. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm out of touch with people. I've seen alot of people, but I just don't feel like I spend the time I use to spend with them. It feels like everyone is up to their own thing and they just don't have as much time to just sit and hang out. Everything feels rushed and forced. It's actually been scaring me because I was talking to my parents the other day and they were going on about how the friends they know now at work are nothing like the ones they knew when they were young and that they don't spend very much time with them outside of work so alot of their time is spent with each other.It scares me not to have any friends that you wouldn't want to spend time with and that you would rather dedicate all that time to a significant other. That's one thing I sure as hell don't want to end up with in my life.

Speaking of significant others, that's probably the other thing that has been bothering me through the beginning of the summer. The more I think about it, the more lonely I start to feel. I know it's pathetic and I keep ending up going in a circle about this whole issue but it's really bothering me damnit. Alot of times I keep thinking that I'm never going to end up finding someone and I start to feel horrible. It's times like these when I think I should just start going out and start hitting on any chicks I find so I score or whatever. I keep telling myself that's not what I want though. I've done this before and it's just not satisfing to me. I want sex with someone I really love and care about. Fucking around with girls that you don't give a shit about is just a step above masturbation in my mind. I want something more. Course, the only problem is that when I find something I really care about I think way too much about trying impress them or whatever for my own good. It sucks alot.

I ended up calling Emily slighty a little bit after I woke up. I wanted to do something with her so I could see her beautiful face(and get a ride from since my car was still in the shop), but she had prior engagements. I didn't feel like bothering her just for that so I said fairwell. It sucked, but there's was anything I could do so I didn't want to worry about it. Plus, I had other things to do.

I ended up getting the Good Cop, Bad Cop footage digitized and I went over to Will's to post it. I did that along with putting some software up on Ebay to sell. Hopefully, I'll get some big cash for it. I ended up being there for quite a while due to do the slow connections. Man, I miss being connected to the Purdue network.

Some other shit happened during the day, but it's was rather uninteresting so I'll skip it.

What I will mentioned before I head out of here is that I did pass Compilers along with my other classes(2 B's 2 C's). Finding that out has made my night. Hopefully, that will remind me not to feel so bad about chicks n' stuff.

Til' next time...

[5/4/2002 4:17:23 PM | Shawn Conn]
Note: Actually posting date may not representive of actual composed date.

Well this is me first post from back home. It's quite good to be back home finally. My room is all setup and I must say I think the setup is quite kick ass. The first few days have been quite fun without the worry of classes and such. With all that's been happening, I've had alot of things coming to mind. So with out further ado...

My Tekken is Strong...
Like usual, there has been much Tekken going on. Right before, I left I spent about $5 on the Tekken 4 machine at the Union waiting for the bookstore to open. When I got back, Will and I went to the mall to play some T4. Much fun, I'm getting quite good at the arcade stick now. Playing a some guy in the mall I got a handful of perfects. I was pretty proud of that. I recently bought a $20 arcade stick for my PS2. It's no where near the quality of the one I was wanting to get, but this one is pretty solid and gets by pretty well. I can crouch dash(f,N,d,d/f or a dragon uppercut for those who've played street fighter) pretty damn well in the arcade now.

Speaking of Tekken...
As a birthday present/joke Will being the good friend that he is bought me a copy of the Tekken Animated movie. Oh god...it was pretty damn bad. Horrible storeline inconsistances, inaccurate facts, cheesy dialogue, this movies was full of it. And if that wasn't fucking bad enough. Paul doesn't say a damn thing it and Bear(Akuma) is nonexistant! Fucking a, that's half of Tekken right there. The movie is most forgetable and I don't think there was any redeming quality other than the fun we had making fun of the movie.

Back to important matters...
I've been thinking alot about life and whatnot lately which is typical of drunk conversations at the end of the night. Interesting side note, alcohol increases the levels in estrogen in your body which is why it can make people so emotional. Anyway, I've been looking around lately and thinking about how everything thing is fake around me. I'm not talking so much about what we see around us, but rather what we perceive around us. To be more specific, One day I was sitting around thinking that things that are perceived to be true may not nccesarily be true. The things we hold near and dear to us as the truth can be in a moment of reason can be wiped away.

Realizing this, I was thinking about the things in my life that it may apply to. I couldn't think of much of anything, but at one point I became to think how life has become a game to me. That may sound silly and/or stupid but that's how I feel. Alot of times I feel the stuff around us isn't real. I guess my partial reasoning is what I said above. How one we thought we knew at one moment may not be true the next.

Thinking about all this stuff has made wonder what it is that I'm hoping to accomplish throughout the day. I guess in the end it about the same as everyone else wants, happiness, but I'm not really sure about what that is sometimes. A while back I had a brief conversation with Will on the way to the mall. I remember one the defining moments of the conversation was when I mentioned theres definately times when thinking too much about things is bad. I told him I think there are a number of people out there that think so much about things to make them happy they end up wasting time doing the thinking instead of the doing. I know I'm one of those people and I've been trying to change that about me. I think I've been doing a good job somewhat. Though maybe I should have tried more not to focus on being unhappy too when I was so busy with work at school this semester.

Speaking of Happiness...
I've been quite happy since I've got back. With the only worry on me to find a job, things have been at a much slower pace and I've felt quite good about it. I guess there can be always more things about my life that could be better but right now I'm feeling pretty good.

This has got me thinking about the opposite sex again. While it has been in the back of mind, I've really not had the concern about just because it seems like dealing with it at school was too much with the stress of classes. But now that I've gotten back it's starting to become more of an issue. And thinking about it, I don't know if it's truely what I want or that its just seeing other people make such of big deal about it that make me want a girl. It seems I've had alot of conversations to other people about this junk.

A few nights ago, I was at Lenny's place where Steve and Nate, among other things, were talking about women being the devil(and remember you can't have devil with out evil). When I usually hear men or women talk about the opposite sex being evil thats about the time I stop listening. Evil is a factulty(sp) of the human mind. It's a potential we all have when we make poor choices about what we should and should not do. There is no one in this world that inherently evil. Everything has a good or bad side to it. I asked Steve to elaborate on this (women being evil) and the only arguement he provided me was that should just trust him.

When it comes to people bad talking about their opposite sex, most the time it comes from them be burned by someone in particular. They want something out of a person, like love or something like that, and for one reason or another they just don't end up getting it from that person. Is it that person who didn't feel same way fault? No. I think the only people we have to blame is ourselve for setting up an expectation in the first place(more broadly I would blame TV,movies,etc. for perpuating the myth that love(love not being lust) can happen almost instantly but that's a whole other discussion).

I ended up taking Nate home, and after talking to him on the way back. It appears to me that's about in the same place where I was at almost 2 years ago. Not in school, no girl, and a serious lack of stuff to do throughout the day(though he does at least have a part time job which I didn't have). This, among other things, as really made me question about what I should and should not be thinking about when it comes to the opposite sex.

Changing my Perceptions...
With all that talk about women, the opposite sex, and what not and all the stress that's been happening as result I know that it's not what I'm doing that's the problem rather it's probably the way I'm thinking. If you haven't heard before, I'm really picky when it comes to think that I love someone. It has occured to me after hanging out with Emily the other day, that's how I feel about her. When it comes to it I enjoy talking to her, I find her attractive, and I enjoy doing things with her. That's about the best I could want from someone.

The problem, I never make any intiative doing anything about it. I make such a big deal about finding someone I really like that often I don't know what to do when I finally decide. Funny thing is, if I didn't really care about her it really would be a problem. I find when I don't really care about a girl, it's quite easy to get them( I had a much bigger chance with her back before I knew her but that was a different me who didn't care.). I've done it the past and I've found it wholely unsatifying. So I find myself quite confused about what to do. I haven't really asked her about such things and really I don't want to. I've found that I don't like making such a big deal of things.It puts pressure on both people and I don't like that. I just want to enjoy being with her I guess. The problem comes when I think about what she feel about me I guess. It's very troublsome thinking about it, and I don't like to do it much because it just puts me in a bad mood. If other people wouldn't bring the topic of girlfriends to my attention(indirectly and sometime directly), it wouldn't be a problem at all.

I so long sometimes for having the ability to forget things sometimes at my whim. If I wouldn't remember about wanting Emily, I really wouldn't have any problem with anything. I wouldn't remember that I'm making such a big deal about a girl. I would just be enjoying my time with some I like. That's why I've tried to make it goal. To forgot about the past, not totally forget it but try to forget most the junk that leaves me with such stress. Maybe I'll enjoy what I'm doing in the moment alot more.

Whew...that so much to say. Well that's about all on my mind. I probably won't do another post for a while anyway. Take it easy people.

[5/1/2002 7:51:05 AM | Shawn Conn]

Take the What Sex Position Are You?

Yay! for spooing...If you've visited Kim website, you've probably already have seen this. But if you haven't check it out.. I guess it's about 5 minutes of worthless fun to pass the day.

The end has come:
Well this is it, my last day here. The end of my junior year at Purdue. I'm just glad it's over. This will probably be my last blog for a while. When I get back home, the status of my internet connectivity is going to be up in the air. I don't really know if I'm wanting to pay for cable modem service(at least I wouldn't have to deal with @home who are now dead and gone) as I still don't have a offical job for the summer. And as for a normal phone modem, I don't have one. That and the fact my sister would probably end up throwing a fit because she would be able to use her precious piece shit phone to talk to people hours on end. And by talk to people I mean sit there and listen to silence as both parties sit there and doing something else. The people my sister calls up and talks to on the phone for hours on end are usually guys who maybe say a sentence every 5 minutes. I honestly don't understand it at all, but to each his own I guess.

I look forward alot toward this summer. It's looking to turn out well. I'm going to be getting a job so I can live at the apartment next year so maybe I'lll be able to buy somethings that I want. Also, Steve is putting the finishing touches on the bus. That's going to be a whole lot of fun there. If I make enough money, there will be time for road trips hopefully. I would like to head up to Grand Rapids to meet a handful of people. Who knows what the summer will bring. Maybe SBB will make it's humble return at least once or twice for the summer. I would like to think that it would. Maybe I'll find a chick this summer( I say that every summer but who knows).

Either way, I'm thinking it might be my last summer here in Jeffersonville. I should graduate by next year(as long as I don't fuck up), and by then I really dont' know what the future holds. Certainly, I would like to a proffession for a few years. It hasn't ever been my intend to go to college so that I could get a degree so I could work the rest of my life. I've never been able to hold down a job unless I have a reason to work. Without any goals, there isn't any motivation for me to work for workings sake. I would like to finally get a job where I'm finally paid in yearly terms(not hourly) and I actually do thinking on the job instead of mindless do some stupid task over and over. But I don't see myself working for a long time. Maybe 5-7 years, I want to save up a bunch of money maybe buy something really big for my parents( seeing how they probably pay upwards of 40,000 for me to go to college) then just take off and do something profound. What is it? I don't know...Maybe I'll stop talking about doing it, and finally make some efforts toward trying to pursue a career in the game industry.

Like I said, who knows what the future will bring. Maybe I won't move away from this area. I don't really see that happening though as I don't think there are many places around Jeffersonville that you can do something with a Computer Science/Math degree.

Well, that's about as much introspection I'm going to have about my life for awhile. Hopefully it won't be too long before I will get to post another entry to my blog, but who knows. If you're one of those people from Jeff reading this, I'll see you guys pretty soon. This is the big SC signin' off.

'Til we meet again,

[4/29/2002 1:16:45 AM | Shawn Conn]
Waking Up, and Chilling Out:
Three days left, at this time 3 days from now I won't be here. Thank god. It's taken forever to get to the final strech.

The order of the day has been a Big Mac with fries....um no I mean it has been nothing...nothing at all. I've just been sitting on my ass and sleeping. I took a final on Saturday, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I spent 3 hours for studying and I was able to rock the exam hard. Go me!

I guess it was bound to happen, but I've caught the cold or whatever Alex has. Well sorta anyway. I don't really feel that bad and my nose only gets partially congested, I guess my immune system is doing a pretty good job at fighting them off.

Hmm...well I thought I had more to say but it turns out I don't. Before I rock out of here, I'll leave you with a small epic story known as "A Day as Shawn Conn" that's kinda like those choose your own adventures books except all your choices really suck(but you can act like you can do anything!). Without further ado...

A Day as Shawn Conn
"You take the point," you hear as your lucidity is staring to fade way. You wake realizing that Alex is still playing CounterSuck on his PC. You're still sleepy so you say fuck this and go back to sleep. But it isn't long before you find yourself unable to sleep any more so you get up. You're sorta hungry, but there's nothing to eat in your dorm. "Fuck a duck" you think to yourself as you hop onto your PC looking to see what MP3s are missing from your collection. As you are doing that, Alex finally decides he should go to sleep you get back on his computer. You then promptly hop onto his PC and then start transferring more MP3s back to your computer that you lost Friday. The hours of bordem pass a way as you stare with your glazed eyes at your PC while browsing the Internet. You soon realize this blows however and you want some food damnit. You decide to get up take a shower and go some where to eat. After you get ready, you walk outside of Hawkins to Chauncy Hill a block or two away. You think about where you should go to eat.....

You goto Taco Bell (goto Page 2)
You goto Fazoli's (goto Page 3)

(Page 2)
"Fuck, Taco Bell is closed" you say to yourself. Ever so hungry you continue on only to find there is no place that's open. You go back home
goto page 4

(Page 3)
"Fuck, Fazoli's is closed" you say to yourself. As you turn around you hear in a sterotypical Italian accent "Heya, why donchu come back when we're open, eh?"
goto page 4

(Page 4)
You go back home still hungry. You throw yourself on your bed and watch some TV. To your astonishment, everything on TV sucks. You switch the station to MTV and to you start to watch ET(Entertainment Tonight,not the lovable Alien) on MTV. You then realize that the people at MTV are geniouses. They have managed to change the law of conversation of Mass&Energy. They took a half a pound of shit and added to another half pound of shit and came up with 2 pounds of shit, thereby managing to create a pound of shit out of nothing. You soon realize however that MTV isn't anything but they same recycled shit as is ET. You then conclude MTV is total shit and move on. Sooner or later Alex's alarm clock goes off. You wake him up. It takes much provoking but you finally do it. You watch more TV. You turn it to PBS and listen about how people decide to use cockroaches DNA to be at time capsule for the NY Times. Your amazed for a second, then you realize Fazoli's should be open by now. You go there and get food and come back to your room. You fuck around on your PC for a bit, but then you become sleepy because it's so boring. You hop in your bed and go to sleep.

You sleep as best you can but you have a congested nose so you keep waking up because its hard to breath. You watch a little TV. The first thing you see when you turn on the TV is the horrible movie Striking Distance. It's right at the point where the villian comes out of the river with his still-working tazer. You think to yourself..."Aww fuck no!" You go back to sleep. You have weird dreams about being stuck in a parking garage with your friends. Kind of like that episode of Seinfeld minus the laugh track. You wake up again. Your balls itch.

You scratch your balls with your left hand(goto page 6)
You scratch your balls with your right hand(goto page 5)

(page 5)
"Ahh that felt good" you think to yourself now as you wonder now what should do. You don't have anything fun to do so you just go back to sleep. You'll end up resting well that day with your tummy full and your balls fully scratched. The world is now fully safe from terrorism. Times are good. It's a party 24/7 around the world. Life is good........


(page 6)
Your about to reach for your balls when the door flies open. It's a pirate! He says "arr....matey it time for you to die." You quickly go for Alex's sword and swashbuckle with do all that swordfighting shit. You then realize I don't know how to sword fight as he stabs you in the arm. "It's time to end this", he says as he throws your body out the window and rides you to the ground like a surfboard. The fall nearly kills you but your still alive...barely. The pirate, who strangely enough has a name tag that says "Hello My Name is Joe" is about to finish you off when Osama Bin Laden shows up in a Rolls Royce. He sudden throws a Osamarang, which is just like a batarang that Batman has except that it's in the shape of a small turban, at the Joe the pirate's sword and it flies out of Joe's hands. Osama then whistles, a group of about 3 terrorists jump out of the car and run toward the building with dynamite strapped to them. Hawkins Grad House is instansly is devasted. Thanks to your actions, terrorism will reign in the free world again.


Hope you liked it as much as I liked writing it....Peace!

[4/26/2002 8:07:36 AM | Shawn Conn]

Happy Birthday to My Face:
Yesterday was my birthday for those of that it was unbeknownst to. It was rather uneventful, my mom called me up to wish me a happy birthday. I got some letters in the mail from my family. And I got a little present that order for myself. It's an adapter that will let you plugin N64/PlayStation controllers into a USB port. I had fun playing around with it yesterday. It's perfect for emulators. I didn't have a N64 controller so I had to use a PS controller to play Mario 64, it's was kinda strange. I'm probably going to pick a N64 controller soon so I can play in fully N64 glory.

The rest of yesterday was pretty uneventful. I turned in the last of my homework, went to a stupid class, and went to sleep for a while...so much fun. I did my laundry when I got up. Fucked with my project for a bit than just wasted alot time playing around on the computer.I also started to pack up my stuff to go back home. Right now, the only things I haven't got packed up is my PS2,my summer clothes, and my PC. All my other shit I've put into boxes ready to be hauled off(not before I grab my sawed-off though).

This weekend is going to be pretty rough. I've got to finish my compiler and at the same time take Final on Saturday. I'm not too worried about final, but I'm not sure about getting the project done. I've past the point of worrying about it so whatever happens happens. It doesn't matter.

Hey What the Fuck was Yesteryday about?
If you curious what the hell was yesterday's post about, it was something from Resident Evil. One the abundant cliches to be found in "survival horror games"(a genre brought back to life by Resident Evil BTW) is that almost everyone keeps a diary/journal in the world. Why? I don't know. I guess it's a good way to reveal mysteries without having to change the course of the story(It makes alot more sense if you've played one of those games). Anyway, that entry I posted last time was from some guy in Resident Evil that eventually becomes a Zombie. You progress through the journal and you can tell by his writing how is mind is progressing to further states of Zombihood or whatever you want to call it. Creepy huh?

I don't really find Zombies and their ilk that creepy(In my opinion Silent Hill is so much better than Resident Evil because of this plus a number of other reasons), but it is interesting to read a person's writing to get a sense of their state of mind. Kind of like your doing now, right?

Fadin' Out
I don't know if there's anything more to talk about. I'm just so excited that's there only 5 days left. I expect some fun to happen this summer, it will be a joyous time for all filled with not working on a compiler or any other stupid homework. Actually, as soon as I get back I've been thinking about planning the final Deathmatch Deathfest that Len and I talked about doing last year but never really got the chance to due to unforseen circumstances. There will definately be one more this summer, I just don't know when and where. I guess I'll worry about that when I get home.

Hmm...looking at the clock now. I think I should get more sleep before my last 2 classes of the semester. I need to be well rested for all the stuff I'm going to do tonight. This is where I make my fairwell...

The end is near, embrace it.

[4/25/2002 5:24:50 AM | Shawn Conn]
Fever Gone, but Itchy.
Hungry so eat doggie food.
Itchy, Itchy Scott Came.
Ugly Face So Killed Him.

[4/23/2002 11:15:05 PM | Shawn Conn]
Same Shit, New Day:
I ended up sleeping for about 12 hours today. Missing my 1030 class, I slept until around 330 at which point I decided I should get up and go to atleast one class. I know I should be more concerned but I'm so tired of this stuff I dont' really care all that much anymore. I've actually been more concerned with getting all the stuff I want from the Internet before I go back home(at which point I don't even think I'll have a 56K connection). I was throttling my connection all last night downloading episodes of Ranma 1/2 and N64 ROMs.

Mini Plug:
While I'm talking about downloading shit. I think I should mention KaZaa Lite yet another file sharing program. If you're familar with Morpheous, it's the same technology that it was built on before changed to using the Gnutella network(which just happened to be at the same time it began to suck balls). Well if you download KaZaa, you'l find not only do you get a filesharing program but a program that introduces a bunch of stupid little programs that are absolutely worthless(some of which the KaZaa doesn't even tell you about installing). KaZaa Like is the fix for that, all the fun of pirating without the crapware!

Back to Life:
When I woke up I was wondering why I had slept so much. I think alot of times I have more fun in my dreams than I do when I'm awake. I don't remember any of the stuff I dreamt about(all I have are fragments of what I remember), but there's something just so appealing about the bizarro non-logical world of dreams. I guess it's pretty pathetic sounding, but hey such is my life. I'm enjoying it, that's all that matters : )

Oh yeah, it's going to be my birthday pretty soon. Like 2 days soon, unfortunately. It's going to be pretty lame as the only thing I'll be doing that day is working on school stuff that I'm already sick of doing. Its seems like I've done nothing but bitch about school. It's not that bad, it's just that I've felt maybe disappointed with the result of the semester. Not really gradewise, (I'm probably looking at 3 B's and a C) but changes that I've made as a person. I haven't really bettered myself in anyway.
I don't know what you would call that feeling, but it's made me look upon myself and where I'm at in college to try to think at where I'm going(I''ve only got one year left here).

I ended up taking Computer Science because it was the closest thing to the only passion in life, video games. At the time, computers were new and interesting to me. Well here it is almost 4 years later. I know almost everything there is to know about the modern computer and looking at that I feel pretty proud of myself. I'm not really any step closer toward my goal of working in the game industry, but I feel pretty knowledge on what there is needed to know about computing(besides a degree in computer science is a step toward that goal).

My interest in Computer Science is waning however. The situation reminds me of something Nolan Bushnell(fthe founder of Atari) said. He was talking about something mentioned in the game industry alot: the learning curve. It's a graph of how much time you spend Vs. how much new material you learn(i.e. the steeper the curve the more stuff new stuff you're learning). He basically said for any subject the learning is very steep up to the 90% point. That is about 90% of the stuff you can learn about a subject you learn it at quite a fast rate because there's so much new stuff to be introduced. When you hit that point it begins to level off pretty quick so if you wanted to hit the 100% mark it takes a much longer time than it does to go from 0% to 90%. He said the interesting part is always on the 90% of the curve, after that point things start to become much slower and not nearly as exciting.

That's where I am in my CS career I think. I'm getting pretty close to that 90% and I feel that I'm not learning alot of new things anymore. It's starting to get old and I just don't really care anymore.

Hopefully the summer break will put me in better spirts and make me a little more excited about school. But right now, I'm just not sure of anything. No use in worrying about it though. I guess I'll just have to see how things turn out....

[4/20/2002 6:14:21 AM | Shawn Conn]

I've already spent another 4 hours on my project so I thought I would take a break. You're probably saying "Shawn, what the hell is with the #'s at the top?" Well it's a program to computer the sum of 1x1 + 2x2 + ... + 100x100 in MIPS code. I thought I would show it to you guys because when I saw it in the MIPS refrence book for my compiler class it reminded me why I still like doing computer science. There's just something so cool about taking what seems like chaos and making order from it.

People think that computer science people might only use one part of their brain but its far from the truth. A big part of computer science is abstract thinking. It's amazing that we take a method or process of doing something, write it in a programming language, then convert that to a series of two digits that still represent the same think. The step along the way of doing this require much abstract thinking about how to represent numbers, mathematical operations, and all kinds of other things.

What's more amazing is we can find this stuff all around us. Our DNA inside or physics of universe can be broken down to simple rules that can be used to explain the disorder we see in genetic code or in the events of the physical objects around us. I know Alex would bitch if he read this, but I do believe that there is a god. Maybe not exactly like the one major religons describe, but it seems to me all the order we find around us isn't just the result of random events. There definately appears to be some kind of engineering-esqe structure to everything we find in the world that couldn't just happen to be a matter of fate. If I had to choose a religon it would probably be Taoism because it probably comes as close to everything I believe about the world and what it is. The only probably I have with saying that I'm part of a religion is that I believe strongly in the idea of "the only thing you can be sure of is you can be sure of nothing." What we know now, might not neccesarily true the next day. I like to keep a open mind about things, so I would find it hard to label myself with a certain belief.

Hmm, lets see what else is there to talk about. Ahh yeah. If you haven't noticed I've added Alex's blog to my list. It's quite a big post he just posted. It's worth checking out. Alex is my closest friend, he's the brother I didn't have. We've been through alot together. If you both know us you'd probably be surprised because we seem like we're nothing alike. But we have alot in common with another. About the only difference between us is that he's more naturally outgoing than I am. I have a little theory about that.

Pretty much everyone(unless they never grew up with them) is the product of their parents. Both our parents are very similar personality wise. His dad is a really alcoholic, sociable(sp?), joking, person who has the do it himself attitude which is probably why his own business. My mom is pretty much the same type of personality. The only difference is his dad likes to fuck with people alot just because he gets a kick out of it. Mom probably doesn't do that because she has a more sensistive side to her, but that type of personality still runs on that side of my family. My Grandfather used to piss me off so much because he knew how to do it so well. If she wasn't so sensitive she'd probably be the same way.

That would explain why Alex likes to be asshole with people so much whereas I have a more sympathetic attitude toward people.

But he's not totally insensitive, he just doens't show that side of himself that often.

I don't know his mom at all, but from what I've heard about her(and from talking to her on the phone). She's a very kind sensitive person. I don't know if she's very outgoing or not but I'd imagine she is just because Alex is. That's probably where he gets that side of his personality from. I on the other hand get that sensitive side from both my dad and my mom. But I'm kind of torn outgoing-wise because my dad is quite a shy person where my mom is quite the outgoing person.

That's why I think we are such good friends. We both have somewhat a similar background, we also get what we think we lack by hanging out with each other. I become more open sometimes and (though he doesn't show it often) he becomes more caring about people. It's a interesting friendship we have.

Anyway, I've rambled on for quite enough tonight. I've got to get sleep so I can work on my project. Be well,

[4/19/2002 2:55:43 AM | Shawn Conn]
Sound Blaster Drivers: Win 2Killa

File this one under cliche#345: "If It Ain't Broke Don't Fix it."

I woke up quite late this afternoon for some reason it felt like a Friday. I slept until like 12:00 thus missing my 10:30 class. When I woke and realized it wasn't Friday I had about 3 hours to complete my homework. Luckily, I was able to get it done in about an hour. With a few spare hours on my hand, I found myself fucking around on the computer. At some point, despite the fact that I already had trouble with them in the first place, I decided it be a good idea to update my drivers for my sound card. It was such a BAD IDEA. After installing and rebooting, Win 2K would die at login. I ended up spending the next 2 hours trying to fix it. Luckily I was able to fix it later on that night but not before alot work and reasoning. I guess it was all good in the end. File that one under: #45 "With out pain and suffering we would have nothing."

Later on that night I would end up taking a EE270 exam which I know I bombed. File that one under G for Gabage then file it under I for I don't give a fuck anymore.

Random little Tidbits:

I finally got my new sbb email. I can now send and receive mail from [email protected] w00t! Yahoo can go fuck off with their $30/yr cost for POP3 mail. I wipe my ass with Yahoo.

Oh yeah...

Corporal Dan movies!

Back in the day at PC Gamer Online(Back before Shitty Daily Radar demolished it) they had all kinds of cool stuff there. One of them was a series of movies by one of the editors(his name escapes me bull you'll find him in the credits somewhere) that involved a character named Corporal Dan.

It turned into a small series which I recommend you watch. I can't explain it, you just have to see it yourself. I reccomend you watch them in order that I listed(which is the order they were released).

Well that's it for now. I had some more to say, but I've got some stuff to do. I'll have more soon enough = )
Til' next time...

[4/17/2002 7:05:33 PM | Shawn Conn]
I'm so sick of school...It can't be over soon enough. I had a lab today for EE270. I didn't feel like going so... I didn't. That will make 3 labs that I've missed. So I guess I've have gotten 100/130 for the lab part of the class which I think takes up 20% of the class. I don't really care about it all that much, it's a non-major course and I've spent way more time in the class than I should have. It's interesting stuff and the lab can be fun, but when you have to wake up at fucking 730 it isn't...That reminds me I think I have a 730 for a CS lab next year, I'm getting that changed.

On that note, that's one of the things that I missed at IU. You got to choose when your classes are. It was alot less restricted and you actually were the one who signed up for it, not asking your advisor to do it for you like it is here. I hate fucking 730 classes, I don't like being up that late. period. I don't see why we just can't sign up for the times when we want.

But it's almost over. Maybe if I just keep saying that it will make things better, it never does though...

I've added a few more things to the sidebar. Most notably among them is the page for the mailing list I set up. I used to send all kinds of mass email back in the day, but as time went on I just had less and less things to say. I used to keep people updated on things going on in my life, but I guess this blog fills that gap so it made emailing people irrelevant. In a way, I still wanted to send out some random stuff to people that they would see coming. That's probably the only reason I wanted to keep the mailing list. That and the fact that I'm changing my email service away from Yahoo so I wanted another way to keep track of my friends' email addresses. Half the email addresses that I had left in Outlook no longer exists. It's so hard to keep with so many people that I guess I'm going to give up trying to. I informed all the people that still had an email address of the list, so the ball is in their court now. I don't see many people signing up for it though. Right now it's me, Jessica, and Will. We'll see what happens...

Hmm lets see what else...Teddy IMed today about something he wanted me to release to the masses. I'm going to keep it a secret, but he's going to send it to me soon then I'll post a link to everyone when I get it digitized.

That's about all I have. Well, I guess one more thing. Another MP3. Confusion(The Pump Panel Reconstruction Remix!) by New Order. It's quite the epic techno song. If you've seen the movie Blade you'll probably recognize it instantly. I didn't really care much for the movie, but the opening scenes were this music is playing and Blade is kicking some ass were pretty awesome. Enjoy.

Be well...

[4/16/2002 3:32:50 AM | Shawn Conn]
Well I'm back enjoying all the glory that's Win2K. Well, I guess not glory but its definately above Windows 98. It's taken me pretty much two days to get everything up and running. It probably wouldn't of been that long but there was an intial problem getting the installer working. Booting from floppies, copied CDRs, the boot program on the hard drive all failed on me. Eventually I was able to figure out the problem. My hard drive and DVD drive are on the seperate RAID card built into my motherboard.

Win2K can't boot from a device that it doesn't have drivers for( my RAID device) so it's kind of a catch 22 situation. To get the drives to boot windows up you have to install the drivers, but to install the drivers you got to be working in Windows. So after some fancy swip swapping and some other stuff which is too lengthy in detail I got everything back on the level. The performance is much better than Windows 98 can dream of. For example, if you have more than 256MB of RAM in Windows 98 performance actually goes down and your system reliability will actual drop(freezing and crashing are likely). And if you want to use more than 512MB, forget about it.

But all that crap is in the past now. Now with Win2K I can get gobs and gobs of RAM. Right now I have 768MB of RAM. More than you can shake a stick at. And unlike Win 98, it doesn't some how eat half of it up despite the fact that theres only like 6 programs running.It's great stuff.

Computer stuff aside, I haven't really been doing anything else than that. I didn't go to class yesterday. I was tired after spending the whole weekend on the project(which I'm not sure I got everything working but oh well),I didn't feel like going to class. I didn't miss much so I don't really have to worry about it. There isn't much left to do in my classes some homework, and a lab, and the project of course, but that's about it.

Well there only about one thing left. It's just a funny little side note before the end. If you've noticed the webtracker someone has came across this page by search for "Camel Cash" and "Pool Table" heh. Looks like I have more competiton than I thought. That's all I got, I'm pretty sleep and I've got class at 10:30 I'll see all you people later. Have fun...

[4/14/2002 2:58:47 AM | Shawn Conn]
Mo' Bloggin!

Or more like no bloggin'

Fucking Windows 98 blows. I just finished posting a entry only for the fucking computer to freeze on me. I wipe my ass with Windows 98. If I saw Bill Gates I would have to bust out my f,d,d/f, N, 2 then D,1+4 on his ass,

Well I'm not going to write the whole thing over so I'll give you the abridged version...

*Shawn was called yesterday by his mom who thought he was depressed with school and things. She has talked to Ted and he apparently he thought my blog entries sound like I'm depressed. To a degree, he is a little depressed because of school. He feels a little lonely and wants a chicky chick.

*Shawn kicked ass n' took names: He just got a new Record in Tekken Tag Survivor. 75 Wins! Bitchin'!

*Shawn also is debating on whether he wants to get a Hori Tekken 4 arcade stick or a modchip and a import copy of Tekken 4

Many will entry few will win. Tune in next time to see what he gets. Same Rhyming time, Same Rhyming site

'Til Next time....

[4/12/2002 8:04:10 PM | Shawn Conn]
It is a slow slow day today. I haven't been up to much lately, same old school work and whatnot.

19 days left, 15 assignments/tests left

*sigh* I wish it was over sooner, I can't stand this work. Yesterday was my highlight of being social in a while. After talking to Prof. Korb I was off to EE270 lecture when I saw Craig, Newt, Alex, Landis, and others playing frisbee. I only stopped by momentarily, I left soon afterwards because I wanted to get working more on the project and other homework that was due.

That was pretty much the extend of the day. I'm debating whether I'm going to do anything tonight, a part of me says yes but I've got to get things done. I'll have plenty of time to party and have fun, but now's the time to focus on important things. Soon it will be over and I'll be ouf of this funk. I'm starting to feel lonely alot and its driving me nuts.

Well I'm starting to get sleepy...I think I'll get some rest. See ya guys when I see ya.

[4/10/2002 5:27:04 PM | Shawn Conn]
Coming to you at the Speed of Bordom:

I'm not sure what that speed is but I'm pretty sure its around the same speed of the Purdue network....slow. It's not that bad, but it's pretty damn slow today. I couldn't go to many sites. They just kept timing out so I said fuck it. I just finished up all but 2 labs that's due this year so I decided to do something else than just do more work here in the PUCC labs. I didn't expect to get done so early. Now I'm just waiting here for 2:30 to go to my Diff Eq. class.

Let's see...hmm...topics...

Ahh, here's one. I've probably touched on it before in some fashion, but I'll give it another spin again....

So I was walking back home one day from compilers lecture and as I usually find myself doing I was staring off into the void while listening to music from my MP3 player. Like most people, when they are staring off into the void they are thinking about something. As such was the case for me that day...

something that has always perplexed me is how we can be looking at something but not really looking at it. You know how when people mentally image something while just kinda ignoring what's going on around them. That's what I mean. I always wondered if we are able to image two things at once. Like be looking at something with detailed clarity and be thinking of something with the exact same detailed clarity. I don't think that we are just because it seems like with each of our senses a certain amount of thought is dedicated to each depending on what the person decides to notice. I find myself switching focus of my different senses often and I've noticed that I tend to primarily focus on one sense primarily at a time and ignore most of the others. I don't know about other people though...anyway...

...I was walking back home and in the little part of my visual sense that I was noticing(I was starting to fall in to deeper thought about what to do that day) I saw that some was toward my path. Normally, I don't think much of it because alot of people cross my path on the way to class and back home and what not but soon I noticed this person was actually walking at me. It was then I shifted focus to my surroundings and noticed it was Becky.
She's quite the upbeat person. Everytime she sees me she says I'm so pessimistic and this time was no different. She said I looked quite unhappy. I told her about my compilers class and that whole story and then she went on about how I should keep a more positive attitude. The conversation didn't go much beyond that as she had to leave soon afterwards, but I remembered the closing lines...err perhaps summary of the conversation would be a better term. It was something to the effect, think about the effect you have on people when you look like that.

Woah...that was weird. Just that moment something weird just happened. As I was breaking the line for a new paragraph. It felt like time jumped into a few moments of the future. The first few words I was going to type was already on the screen and the song in my MP3 player jumped a beat or two...It was like a glitch in the Matrix or something...hmm...

So I was thinking about Becky said on my way back home. About how I look having an effect on others. Now I've never really thought about it before, but I'm sure it must do something. I don't try to look to unhappy but I guess my natural state or attitude is melancholy. I remember taking a personality test(one of many that I've taken) and that's what it described me as.

I don't know what it is about me that makes my natural state melancholy but I think it has something to do with the fact that I get bored alot with life(That's probably while I sleep alot too). Certainly, I'm not bored with everything. There are times when I can get incredible excited with things and reach that oh so nice state of eurphoria, but sooner or later that will probably be matched with the same about melancholy or depression. You know, something like manic depressinism(if that's the term).

Once I felt like I've done something so many times over and I don't feel like there's anything new that's I'm learning from it I get bored quickly. It's that way for alot of my daily routines, that's probably why I look the way I do. :-/

I guess if I tried I could easily evoke or respark interest in anything that goes on in my life, but I don't. Maybe i just don't want to set myself up for dissappointment.

There are only a few things in life right now that would get me excited if it came to my attetion:

A relationship- I think saying something to the effect of "If you're not happy with yourself, being with someone isn't going to fix it" applies here. Either way it's something I've never really experienced that much of it. I think the only person to blame here is myself though. There have been plenty of opportunites to get into one, I've just never really persued them. I remember a good description in that aforementioned personality test was that I choose my friends wisely and carefully. Even moreso probably here, it's tough for me fall in love with someone. Thinking about it, I can literally count with my hands how many people I've actually felt something for.I feel the same way right now. Is that bad or good, I don't know? I guess it is if you believe in true love or some junk like that. But I dont know if I'm one of those people. It just leads to alot of frustration for me...maybe things will be better soon

Video Games- I know it's really weird to have this in the same list but it's true. Gaming is probably my only passion in life. There's something about them that makes me feel so excited and alive when I'm playing games. I've been thinking about this lately and I've think I've came to the conclusion why it is.
I really like surreal things, the kind of stuff that's immpossible in reality. Surrealism is taking everything we know about the world around us and leaving it behind. Looking around I can easily get bored with the same day to day stuff I see around me but its not that way in games. Gaming gives me a whole new set of eyes in a different world where there's all kinds of things to learn. The same surreal stuff I like elsewhere applies moreso here. There's just something exciting about a whole new world to play in that makes it leaps and bounds more exciting than the same day to day things here.
That's why I the only reason I went to computer science. Its about the closest thing there's related to getting a career in the game industry. I keep saying that's my long term goal, but I never do anything about it. I should. I have alot of creative energy to use. There's so much I've learned from gaming for 14 years that I could do. Video Games are wasted art. There's so much that could be done that people don't do with them. As writer/game designer Chris Carter puts it:
Imagine going to world where the only form of written art is comic books. Sure they're fun but there's so much else that these people don't know about that you could introduce them to: fictional and nonfictional novels, magazines, newspapers, poetry, etc. That's the state video games are in. There is so much that could be done with a interactive medium that could go way beyond what TV and books do but doesn't.

That's the kind of excitement I feel about video gaming...

...whew. That was alot. I don't know if I'll be able to write much more for a few days. Anyway keep on rocking people. I'm outie...

[4/9/2002 4:56:34 PM | Shawn Conn]
Once again, I'm killing time before my EE270 class. Bored, bored, bored I am. I played some Tekken but I think I'm getting tired of it. Blasphemy! Well I guess maybe it's that I feel like I should be doing something else with all the stuff I'll have due soon. Anyway, it will be done. Maybe I'll get more excited about Tekken once Tekken 4 hits the PS2, hopefully it will be out before the summer is over.

In other news, I'm almost done with school. I went to see my advisor today. After analyzing and checking off a bunch of stuff or something she ended up calling my previous advisor about the CS credits that transfered from IU. They way they talked before, I wasn't going to get any credit for those classes because this CS Dept. is supposed to be so damn good( It might be if the TAs were actually helpful- which they aren't). Luckily, I save all my work from my previous classes. I showed to Buster Dunsmore, the head of the CS Dept, and he said it looked good, but they never really said what would happen to me creditwise. Well, Janice talked to them and she said it would be ok if those credits went toward the CS classes. Meaning I won't have to take a ton of upper-level classes for my major. Yahoo!

As it stands, I need to take:

CS354 (Operating Systems) ,CS414 (Numerical Methods) , 3 other upper level CS courses (15credits)

A Lab Science and a Gen. Education course (6 credits)

MA 362(Vector Calculus), MA353 (Linear Algebra II: When Matrices Attack) (6 credits)

and J201(3rd semseter Japanese), J202(4th semester Japanese) (8 credits)

I ended up signing for CS354, some easy Geology class or something, MA 353, and some intro to database course. I didn't want to take it but I need to have 2 CS courses and they didn't offer anything else in the departments. Weak....

I don't really care anymore at this point. I just want to be done. I was unsure about the foreign language credits though. I didn't take Japanese 201(or finish I should say) because the stuff is a bit over my head. I guess I can keep up if I try, but there's so much work. It seems like Newt always has work in that class. Janice suggested that may I start taking another language, but fuck that I'm already half way there I might as well finish it. All I got to do is get a D in the class anyways. I don't look forward to the work, I'm probably going to be busy enough as it is with out all the homework. But I've gotta do what I gotta do I guess....

Oh yeah, if you haven't seen the SBB webtracker or the webtracker for this page, I suggest giving them a look. It's fun stuff. It gives you all kinds of fun statistical info n' stuff. Like who's visited the page, from where, with what computer, how they got to the page in the first place, and more. Its really interesting how you can tell who's been to the site. For example, I was looking at the SBB tracker and I came across some accessing the page from walloffire.bellarmine.edu. I thought it was hilliarious that some stole my naming convention( if you don't know what I talking about see "What I've learned from being on this planet for 21 years" on the sidebar) at Bellarmine. I digress though, with some pretty simple deduction(she's the only person I know who goes to Bellarmine) I figured it out that it was Emily access the page from school. I also noticed a few entries above there was a indiana.edu address with the same method I was able to figure out it was Kim. I was right in both cases, go me!

Try it out, if you look at it right now you'll probably see your own IP address....

Like usual, I had more to say but it's almost time for EE270 lecture....til next time.


[4/7/2002 10:39:20 PM | Shawn Conn]
Stupid Compiler Rant:

Well, I didn't get my project done. I guess I should be mad, but I gave up on that a little while ago. I spent the last 3 weekends and a couple days during those weeks doing nothing but the project and I still didn't get done. I don't know what to do now, it certainly isn't suppose to be this hard. Maybe I'm just making it hard with all the other shit that's due. Come to think of it, there really isn't anything difficult about the project at all. I just keep hitting stupid errors along the way. The biggest problem is that alot of the code is done for me so I don't understand every piece of it.

It also doesn't help that keep getting shitty grades on the project. I've gotten a 10(which I know is wrong), 86,21,0 on my last 4 phases all of those which I think is wrong. I look at the reports and nothing make sense, why I should get those many errors. I chalk up to the stupid way things are graded in CS classes here at Purdue. No human, every looks at my code or output. All they do is run a grade script and check to see if the output is what they want. It's ircomprehendibly stupid. I learn nothing from it at all. The TAs are no help whatsoever when I ask them and try to get some answers on the grading process. Any thing positve I ever said about Purdue's CS department I totally recant. I wipe my ass with this CS dept. I learned so much more at my classes at IU then I did here. The TAs(AI I guess they call them), could explain topics well and actually looked at your code and tried to help you. Here you get none of that. They can barely discuss the topic in the PSOs let alone explain stuff clearly. Luckily the proffessor is excellent and I can rely on him for answers.

I'm going to talk to Proffessor Korb(again) and see what he thinks about this whole shitty project grades thing. He's been saying throughout this whole thing that the later phases are worth much more points and that he puts much emphasis on getting the project done. If I can still pass the class by finishing the last phase. I'll dedicate the last 3 weeks left of classes on getting the project done(it's already close to it). Otherwise, I dunno. Fuck it, I don't care. I know the material, I know how every piece of the compiler works(if I had enough time and had decent way of debugging in every situation I would of had it done by now),but I've gotten what I wanted to know about the subject in this class. I don't a piece of shit test, or stupid letter on a grade report to tell me what I know. Whatever happens, happens.

One last thing, I will never mention another damn word in my blog about this project. There so many better things to write about than this boring junk.

And that's the bottom line because Shawn Conn said so....

Other Stuff:

Whew....I don't know if I can follow that up with anything else. The rest of my day has been so uneventful. I spent most of the day sleeping after working so much last night.I woke up and I played some games. I don't think I've played anything since last Sunday. My game is still not off in Tekken I see. I kicked mo ass. In fact, I think I've done better than I ever done before against the CPU on Ultra Hard. It's nice to see my Tekken is still strong.

Random Thought:

I sure had a huge amount of ear wax in my ears today. I don't know where it came from. I took a shower Friday and I havent really been doing anyting that should made me that dirty. It was weird. I was thinking about what Craig said a while back and he was right. Ear wax is really a weird color and it's pretty damn strange what comes from our bodies. Like all the hair, fingernails, and other stuff. It's really weird to look at hair sometime and just see what it looks like and to think that your body generates thousands of them.

Hmm...other stuff to talk about...Oh yeah, that other thing Craig mentioned a while back. A few weeks ago I was talking to him and he said, after he finished watching something about Hugh Hefner, that I has a alot of similar facial gestures. I thought that was kind funny, I don't remember all of what he looks like so I really don't can't really say for sure. I don't see how there could be resemeblance, but then again I've never seen him speak all that much. And for the record, I don't think I look all that much like Henry Rollins either.

It's funny, when I think of people's face some times I don't really have in mind the whole picture. Just fragments of facial parts. I've realized that alot of times, that it doesn't take along before I start to forget what people look like if I haven't seem them in a while. Like all my friends back at home, I would have to think a moment before I could conjure up an image of them.

Closing Story:

Well I had another strange dream the other night. It was definately much longer than what I remember but that's standard with most dreams. What I do remember at some point Alex, Michelle and I were being held hostage by Columbian drug lords, in my own house of all of places. I think they were the Columbians from GTA3, but I couldn't remember all that well.

Anyway we were in the kitchen tied up and I think it was after they left to go make a drug deal or something that we ended up breaking free of the rope . I thought that it was pretty silly of them to leave us here. I then came to the conclusion it must be some kind of trap. Sure enough, when I looked out side in the front and back of my house there big white vans there that were obviously filled with Columbians. Foiled! At that point, Alex said he was going to try to escape through the roof. I thought it was silly so Michelle and I went down stairs and waited for him to find out that there is no exit on the 2nd floor of my house. While we were waiting, I decided it best to make out with Michelle. While that was going on, I remember looking up at the ceiling and when I looked back at her I realized that it was Emily not Michelle. So I was like ok that's fine, and we went back at it. Soon afterwards, Alex came through the door in a very Krameresqe fashion to report that there was no way to get out of the roof. It was at that point I suggested we take the window in my room to get out because obviously they wouldn't see us leaving the side of the house. I was the first out the window, when I turned around to help Alex and Michelle or Emily( I couldn't decide who it was at that point) I realized they were gone. I figured the Columbians must of got them so I headed to the next yard over where I found a jumbo jet to escape. I don't remember the actually mechanics of it, but at some point I took off and fled to safety. Once I was out of danger, I realized that I had no where to park this thing. So I went back toward my house and just kinded of glided to the ground. When I actually hit the ground I didn't really crash, just kind of bounced everywhere until the plane stopped. It was at that point I think I woke up....

Heh, well that's it. See you guys later...

[4/4/2002 2:52:13 PM | Shawn Conn]
Well I was planning to work on my compiler more, but I don't really have any motivation as of right now. I just got from an exam not too long ago. I think I did ok on it. There were 1 or 2 questions that I feel like I didn't get right but all the others I was pretty sure of. I'm just glad it's over. I was up since 5 am studying for it. For some reason or another I woke up around 4:30-5:00 and I just couldn't get back to sleep. My sleep cycle has become erradtic like that.

I don't know what it is, but lately I felt like nothing around me is real. It's like I'm always in a dream like state or something. It's a funny feeling. Speaking of which, my dreams of late have been pretty sporadic with various themes. Usually, whatever that has been on my mind alot is usually what I dream about. Lately, it's been about alot about people and other random things that I really haven't thought about in a while. I understand the dreams about people. It's probably because I feel lonely alot. The highlight of me being social throughout the day is talking to Alex or maybe a couple words to some people in class, that's about the extent of it. As for the random other stuff, who knows? The other night, my dream was about Tekken sorta. It really wasn't the fighting game that remember, it was more like a 3rd person action game(like tomb raider) with Tekken characters in it. That's about the best I can explain it. The two nights before that it was about random episodes of Ranma 1/2(it's a really silly anime series if you don't know what it is. I'd reccomend checking it out sometime), actually I don't think they were episodes but just a series of events that just made up in my head. Either way, I haven't seen a episode of Ranma in forever why I thought to dream about it is anyone's guess....

If any of you heard me ranting about my noisy fan, I had just recently got it fixed. I got a hold of Creative Labs support and the people were nice enough to send me a replacement fan which is pretty surprising consider the video card is a OEM model(the type they sell in bulk to computer manufactues and don't offically support with customer service) and at no cost to boot. They offically get The Man with the Name that Rhymes's certified stamp of approval if you're looking to buy one of their products.

Hmm...I thought I more stuff in mind to talk about but my mind has started to wander. For awhile, I was just kinda staring off into space. I guess I'm just trying to kill the time until my next class: EE270. I guess I could be doing work, but like said before I'm not really motivated right now...

*awkward pause*
Well since I have nothing better to do, I guess I could share some MP3s with you guys. Here's two for the week I missed:

The first one is from a movie soundtrack that I've been listening alot to lately: Snatch. If you haven't seen the movie, it's I guess what they call Film Noir or Hard Boiled Fiction( though this term is used more for novels than it is for books). I learned all about this stuff in the English Comp. class I had at IU(which was pretty damn good by the way). I could go on and on about the genre and what I learned from the class, but I think I'm going to try to keep it short today.

Anyway, the song is called Disco Science from the artist Mirwais. It's a nice slow paced, eletronic song. If you remember the point in the movie where those dogs were chasing the rabit, that's the song.

The other song is from my vast game music collection( which I've recently tabulated now makes up 66% of my collection).This one is from the Final Fantasy VIII soundtrack:The Man with the Machine Gun by the one and only Nobuo Uematsu.

It's funny, but I think I ended up liking the music more than I did the game. Not that the game was bad but there were some really noticible flaws with the story(which is pretty much the heart of the game) that kept it from being the same caliber as VII and VI. One of the parts I do remember about the story that I liked was that it would change the plot and continuity of the story abbrubtly to another character called Laguna. It didn't make sense at first, but later on you saw how the 2 plot lines would converge. The Man With the Machine Gun is Laguna's Theme which played during battles with Laguna in them. I can't discribe why I like the music so much, other than the fact that how the music is introduced is such a different pace than what I was accustomed to. I have 2 versions of the songs, the orchestrated and non orchestrated. Both are great. I chose to go with the non-orchestrated because the orchestrated version is much much better I think if you're accustomed to the original version.

Well that's about all I have...I guess I'm going to have to find some more stuff to do. Later on people.

[4/2/2002 10:15:05 AM | Shawn Conn]
This is an early post for me I couldn't get much sleep last night so I though I would post some stuff before my class

The Compiler front is looking much better, I'm almost done with generating IR trees and I should be getting started on the translator phase before the weeks over(that's where I translate the IR tree into assembly code) and that part should be easy because we already sort of have a template for us.

Here's the low down on my compiler:

It compiles a simple language called PT made specifically for this class into MIPS(Million Instruction Per Second) assembly

-Most the program is written in Java though the scanner and the parser are special files that have their own syntax because they are sent to a Scanner and Parser generating program

-The main program(the one that takes the input files) is about 120 lines of code, it calls all the objects that make up the compiler

-The scanner(the part breaks down the input file text into recognizable symbols) is about 477 lines of code, though the actual code is probably 3-4 times that size because the file that has the scanner information is sent to a program that generates Java code for it

-The parser(the part that takes the symbols and breaks it into grammar rules) is about 380 rules, but like the scanner it's sent to another program that after the program is done with it the Java code is about 3-4 times as long and is broken up into different files

-The translator(the part that take the AST generated by the parser and converts it to IR trees while at the same time checking semantic rules) is the biggest part of the compiler. It's 1408 lines long(and it's not even finished) and relies on two other data structures that I've written(which together total around 200 lines of code). All of the translator stuff is in Java so I don't have to worry about converting that stuff. Because it's in Java it's easy to handle while debugging and has made the process much easier than the previous steps.

...So adding it all up it will probably be around 3000 lines of code before I start generating assembly code. Then there's the optimization...
It's funny how things seem to work themselves out sometime. Remember that annoying fan problem I was talking about? It has dissappeared lately, pretty funny indeed....

Random stuff
By tommorow there will only be 4 weeks left before I'm done with classes for the year. Thank god...

In other news, my birthday is only 23 days. w00t! Not that it really matters, I'll probably be busy so I won't get to do anything to celebrate it. Plus turning 22 isn't really special. Nothing really special happens until I hit 25, then I can legally run for a position in the House Congress. Rock!

I've been looking up the release date for the PS2 release of Tekken 4 in the states(it's already out in Japan). I've seen dates that go back as far as Sept. I seriously hope not. It doesn't seem like it would take that long to get it here. Plus what would summer be without Tekken at my house?

Ever since Alex has be fucking around with his computer, I've been wanting to get a new one. Or at least just bulid one, it's fun stuff. I miss it. Unfortunately I have no cash so that's not likely to happen soon. I have however been thinking about a reformat of my hard drive. Win 98 SE is on two years of install, and it's pathetically slow. I've been thinking about going to Win 2K or XP but I'm not sure about either...compatibility is my biggest issue with a upgrage. I guess I won't do it until I'm done with this semester. I don't need to worry about doing all that work until I get classes out of the way

I had more topics in mind, but 1015 is almost here and I've got to get to class. I'll see you people laters

[3/31/2002 7:02:16 AM | Shawn Conn]
When the going gets tough, the tough get going...

I wonder how many stupid cliche phrases like that people have stored in their mind. I bet there's tons of theme. Anyway, I think that's the theme for this weekend is, surprisingly enough, time spent on....the compiler. Luckily, the end is near in sight. Right now I'm generating fragments of IR trees which is just a arm reach away from assembly code. Almost there...but enough about that, I'm sure it doesn't interest anyone so I'll move on to other topics....Like those stupid phrases I mentioned. I really think it would be funny if I knew them all so well that I could have a conversation with nothing but cliches as replies. It would be so funny to try sometime...now if I could only get motivated....

Which is a hard thing to do when you're busy with class shit all the time. The last week I've slacked a little because I'm sick of it all. But right now is when I need to keep my cool and go for the goal....No guts, no glory right?

Random thought:
I need to have less random thought and more focused thoughts. Increase my linear thinking, I think it's called. You know the type, of thinking that make math/computer/science people so good at it. Of course the trade off is if you start to restrict your thinking... you can leave yourself open to not thinking in new and different ways. Which can be so good at producing insight.

What I should do is for each entry I put in here I should put a theme for it. Something silly,stupid, and cliche sounding, you know? Like Craig's recent thing with pointing out words that don't have other words in them to make a point. "There's no fun in Shawn" Both funny and true!....Many will enter, few will win!

Sorry...getting off topic here....I'm still on that kick about saying things in just stupid cliche. You know, I may have lost the battle, but I'll win the war!!!


I missed all the shit lists of email that got kicked around so much back when so many of my friends were just starting to get online and for quite awhile. I'm not talking about stupid Fwd messages but just stupid things that people sent to mass group of people. That was the gasoline and all someone had to do to light it was hit the "reply to all" button and saying something stupid in the email and boom! Explosion Overpowering!!! I miss all the fun stupid stuff that Ted, Steve, Aaron, and others sent out. I don't know if there's anyone to blame though, I'm just as guility as anyone else. I use to send all kinds of fun emails to people, but I trailed off lately ever since the beginning of this semester. And to think I used to be so creative with my email too....

I realized this a few days ago when I through my old email(I have email from all the way back from 1999) and saw this story I wrote to everyone after Ted sent out some story about him at IUS. It made me laugh:

Subject: Re: IUS IS GREAT!!!
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 17:41:10 -0500

> Today...I asked a fellow student if he had the time, and he said,
> "Certainly!" Then I said, "Oh, what time is it good sir?" And he
> gracefully replied with, "It's time to go fuck yourself!"
Bah, you call that a great story....Mediocre is what I call it......What
should of happened is something like this...

Today...I asked a fellow student, a crazy, aloof old man with a sparkle in
his eye, if he had the time. I had just gotten out of class and wanted to
know how long before my next class; perish the thought that my academic
standing at Indiana University Southeast would be tarnished by my absence in
my next class. I pondered that for moment before the man gave his really

"Certainly!" he said with a twisted smile.
"It's Time....FOR YOU TO DIE!!!!"

Suddenly, I found myself staring at the barrel of sawed-off shotgun. I
should of known better; who in their right mind would wear a trenchcoat with
a sticker on the side of the sleeve claiming..."I Kil's pepul 4 phun." But
it was time to put the past aside. Now was the time for action.

Using my quick thinking,deadly cunning, lightning fast-martial arts
technique, and killer instinct I bolted out with, "Hey look it's the
Goodyear Blimp!" The man, foolish turned his back where then I grasped the
shotgun and tore it away from his withered claws. Upon noticement of his
folly he started eireely laughing as he turned around slowly. I gave him a
queer look as my hands grasped the shotgun which was aimed squarely at his

"You would have seemed to have fooled me, but no matter....you... Die
"Really?", I quipped back at him.

At that moment his hand slowly reached up toward me. But before thos horrid
hands laid a finger on me I said "Looks like your time is up."then I tore
head apart like it was yesterdays paper, albeit more gory and bloody. The
shot echoed throughout the hillside side as I sat the and looked at the
foolish man. It was then that Police Chief Murphy came up to scene.

"Oh my god! You got him. The crazy psycho killer who was murdering all the
IUS students", Murphy exclaimed.
"Well it looks like my jobs done."
"Mine too, with the killer dead I can go into retirement now." Murphy
"That's great...but can you tell me what time it really is"
"Well I don't have a watch..."
"Oh wait I know..."
"It's time....TO PARTY!!!!:

*They give each other Hi Fives and the screen freeze frames as the credits


It's always fun when you make yourself laugh from 2 years ago...

What I should do is start a mailing list for my friends so they could sign up and I could pass stuff to them via email and start up some dialogue again. You know, try to breathe some life back into email.

Shawn shakes it out of here:

I have more topics on my mind, but I should get some rest. I've been doing alot of work and I should rest so I'll be ready to do some more work. I'll didn't give out a MP3 this week so maybe I'll do 2 next time when I think about it. I have alot of fun music that I've been listening to lately. Well, I'll save that for laters...

Be Well Friends...

[3/27/2002 10:15:57 PM | Shawn Conn]
The End is Near:

5 weeks left and I'll be done with the worst semester I've ever had. The work load has really lightened lately. I don't have Diff Eq. until Friday which I has given me time to finish up all of phase 3 of my compiler. I'll probably start the 4th part tommorow. The progress goes so much faster when you have an IDE( Integrated Development Enviroment) to help you get the debugging done.

The other than school work, it's been the same old stuff. If not busy, I'll probably be sitting down playing video games. After finishing GTA3, I've hadn't really had any $ to get a new game so I'm just going through some my other ones. FF X is the other of the day. I dont' know why I'm playing it though, I've pretty much done all that's possible in the game. My characters are so ungodly(or should that be godly...I dunno) strong that the game is a joke. I would like to pick up some other games, but then again there's that $$ issue. Some games that I'm thinking about buying:

Tekken 4- It was released in Japan not too long ago, the US version shouldn't take too long to come out as the game is mostly in English anyway.

Max Payne- I know I have it for the PC. But this is a really fun game that wouldn't mind having the PS2 version for. Alex bitchs about PC games that come to the console because the mouse and keyboard is such a better controll for FPS(First Person Shooters). I think it's a good setup, but I like having a controller to wrap my hands around. Either way, it wouldn't take my enjoyment of the game away.

Deus Ex- Like Max Payne, I have it for the PC but would like it for the PS2. It's an RPG that plays like a FPS, with a great story and gameplay to boot.

I would probably like to get an arcade stick at some point for Tekken so that more accustomed to the controls in the arcade. It's been hard though to find a decent one, all the ones on the market it seems are a bit shoddy. I went to Tekken Zaibatsu and tried to look up suggests, but I got nothing. The forums on Tekken Zaibatsu are so horrible, half the posts you can't even decpher what the people are saying. We need to find these people that don't know how communicate effectively and break their keyboards(the same goes for those 31337 speak people too).

Enough stupid ranting...other issues of the day...

Steve and Michelle came up to Purdue yesterday which makes 4 people after Will and Evan(kinda of ironic when you consider that they spent their spring break going to school). Steve called me at some point during yesterday wnen I was installing my new CPU heatsink/fan which reminds me...

For a week or so my PC has been making this horrible grinding noise. A while back, I was concerned that it might be a Hard Drive. But after opening it up and listening I determined that it was definately coming from the PC fan. It go so bad, I finally got the intiative to go out and buy a new and better Heat Sink/Fan combo. So after installing, which is hard to do once all the stuff is already in the PC case I start it up and it still makes that noise. I failed to notice that my GeForce2 also has a fan on it's CPU. After taking it out and looking at it, I noticed that it's a bit lop sided and hence it keeps hiting the sink on the CPU. Unfortunately, the fan on this CPU isn't really a standard CPU fan so I don't know if it''s possible to replace. I've got to do something though, this noise is so annoying.

Though I guess it could be worse. Alex's computer is still out of commision. Yesterday he got a really cheap motherboard so he would have a PC while he waits for his brand spanking new motherboard. When he hooked up and started it, the motherboard started to catch fire. I think he ended up decidin that the power supply was bad...

Anyway...I spent a couple hours with Newt, Michelle and Steve later on in the day. It was fun. After that, I went back to my room and worked on my project for a while. After that, I spent the whole night up as I knew I wouldn't wake up with 3 hours of sleep. I hate the fucking 730 labs, at least it was easy though. I got my homework back and did quite well on all of them. Plus I got a 93/120 on the 2nd test, which is pretty good consider the averages for the tests.

Well, it's time to do EE270 homework. See ya guys around...

[3/26/2002 1:03:39 AM | Shawn Conn]
It sure has been a while since I've last posted something. I've been busy with the same old stuff. Homework, compiler, et. al. It's almost done, I'm close. Only a few more weeks and all this crap is done. 4 weeks of classes (including this one), dead week and finals week. And I only have 3 finals the week of finals and I'll be done on Wednesday. Joy!

I didn't do much this weekend, most the time was spent on the compiler. It's alot more work than I thought. At least I'm to the point now where everything is back in Java so I can use Visual J++. That makes the debugging enviroment sooooo much easier. I don't have homework in Diff Eq this week so I'm going to get the jump on phase 4 pretty soon. That's about two weeks to start generating assembly code. Hopefully I'll get this done on time. I think I'm starting to lose my mind here with all this work. Last week I forgot to turn in my homework for math that I spent 3 hours on. I don't know why I forgot it at all...oh well.

In other news, I finally finished every thing there is to do in GTA3. All the secrets, jumps, packages, and all of that. It was quite a ride. It's definately worth playing if you haven't checked it out. It gets way too much hype for it's own good, but it's still a solid game nonetheless.

I'm trying to decide what to do next. I don't think I'm going to do any work for the rest of the night as I'm tired. I'm thinking about playing a little more video games before I got to sleep, which just reminds me of something I was talking to Alex eariler. Alex was telling that Steve called him eariler. Apparently Steve came up to Purdue for a few days for his spring break(oh the irony!) and some how they got on to the topics of videogames. Somewhere down the line Steve said that he was morally opposed to video games. I know there have been a handleful of people in our social circle that blast video games for numerous reasons.

The main ones I've heard(and one Steve used) are:

1. They are anti-social

The first one I really find rediculous. Sure there are certain games that are anti-social by their nature(console RPGs for one thing), but there are so many different other way video games can make people social.

-Massive online RPGs, even though the level of being social is debatable, it still requires you to interact with people which is the basis for a social enviroment.
-Arcades, though they're a dying breed, it's still a fun place to hang and play games with other people. Will, Alex and I have alot of fun a met quite a few people just playing the local Tekken 4 machine at River Falls. I just wish the people at the mall were as social as the ones at the Purdue Union.
-The gaming scene in general, there are alot of place where people just talk about video games. It's a topic for people to discuss and meet people. I've meet alot of people just talking about video games and what not. In my mind, video gaming is about as anti-social as any other activity that could be called as such.

2. They consume so much time and result in nothing.

This one I can understand a little more. I was talking Jamie about why I use Windows 98(it's the gaming OS) as opposed to getting a more stable, reliable OS. He told me thats one the reason he changed OS(or something like that); he found that he killed alot of time playing games and not doing something to better himself. I probably could do alot more with the time I kill with video games, but I don't look as it like that.

I don't have to be a human doing, if I want to better my self I'll do. There are times where I find something interesting and I set a goal for myself or something, but there are alot of times where I don't feel like I have anything to do but kill time. Why does that time have to spend bettering myself. Like everything else, my free time is commodity and I'll spend it where I feel I get the most benefit out of it.

I would also try to reply that you don't neccesarily get nothing out of it. I've said this alot before but I dont' think I've said it here. Games are art. While it is it's own breed of art, it still is an art. If you don't agree with me, I have a big argument for that. But right now I'm starting to feel sleepy so I won't dive into all the details. Anyway, to say you get nothing out of video games is the same as saying you can't get anything from out of watching a movie or reading a book to me. There are alot of games that try to obtain something more than just something fun to play. Not many, but there are a few out there if you look.

I think I'll stop here. I could easily write pages on this topic, but I'm sure no one wants to here it. Maybe if I get inspired I'll write it down. Right now though I think I'll go get some sleep on. There will be more to come later. 'til next time....


[3/21/2002 9:03:17 PM | Shawn Conn]
I don't know why, but I haven't been stressed out much lately. I don't know if it's that I don't care or if it's something else that's bothering me. I dont think I'm going to do anything over the next few weekends. I've decided to dedicate the next few weekends to get the compiler done. I didn't turn in the 3rd phase on time, and I'll be lucky to turn it in to get any credit for it. I don't really care all that much at this point. I just want to pass the class and get it done. I want to worry about other things in my life.

There are 5 more weeks left and I've got to decided what I'm going to do for money over the summer. I'm thinking about going back to Jeff one weekend before the break is up to go look for a few places to work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I better do something soon....

Today I did something I haven't done before. On our way back from Fazoli's we decided to walk through Kranert to our building Hawkins. On the way, we took the subtunnels and ventured down there. We walked all over the Union before coming back. It was fun traveling to places where I haven't been. I wish I got so excited over small things like that more often. I've realized a while back that things that I've done before get old quick. If I've felt like I've done it alot and there's nothing new to learn I just get bored and my mind starts wandering. Video games are about the only think that law, but even then I don't think it neccesarily applies because there's always something new about a game. Well at least the ones that have alot of depth to them. I do get bored of games quickly if I feel like there's nothing new to be learned about it, like I did with Diablo 2 during the summer. I can't see why anyone still plays it that much anymore but to each his own I guess.

That's probably why I've been so anxious to get in a relationship. I've never really been with someone before, in terms of a relationship anyways. It just sounds like something I would enjoy. I hate feeling lonely so much. There is someone I've been thinking about but I think the probably is when I finally realize that I really like somone(which takes a while to do) I get all anxious about it and get all concerned about what she thinks. Otherwise, I don't have any problem but in that case I don't really care to do anything. It's kinda a catch-22, I'd first have to like them before I actively pursue them, but I get all conscientous if I do. I just don't know anymore...

In other news Yahoo is going to pay subscription for their email. Well, I can still use it for free but I have to go to their stupid website instead of using my email client. It sucks balls. I think I'm going end up paying my hosting company for a stevesbackyardboxing.org email address. I already have a few but they're more like forwarding address. If I payed them $10(half as cheap as Yahoo) I would get a name that I could send and receive from. I think I'm going to do that. Plus if any of my friends what to do that it would only cost $5/year for one. I'll probably sent out a mass email soon about it.

Finally, I found a use for the money I have. At least I think so, I'm going have to wait a few days if it goes through. If it does, I'll tell you guys about it. But for now, I've got to get out of here...til' next time guys. Wake up and Chill out


[3/19/2002 12:34:06 AM | Shawn Conn]
It appears as if Blog's servers are swamped tonight.I wanted to kill a little time before I got some sleep. I'll guess I'll do it now. Good news is I'm feeling better, not that I'm really surprised though. I just get really depressed sometimes. It gets pretty bad sometimes but I usually bounce back.

I still haven't finished my project, I was busy with alot of things today. I'm not to worried about it anymore. I just want this semester to be over soon. I didn't realize how bad I been feeling until it occured to me today that I hadn't eaten anything since Saturday. I wasn't really that hungry, but I could tell I had no energy because of it. I could feel my body trying to get energy from the fat and muscle in body. I don't know how to describe it more than that warm feeling that comes from your body heat. Except that this felt a little more tingly.

Most of that day I felt like in a semi-dreamlike state. Like I wasn't totally there. Actually feeling like that, made me feel better. I didn't really think so hard about things. It reminded me of this one time that I felt like I woke up still stoned from the night before. I wish I felt like that more often. I think things would go alot better.

I really don't have much of anything else on my mind right now. I got a whole lot of money from my family before I left and I've been thinking what to do with that. I have about $45 I was thinking about buying a game, but I know I wouldn't get to play with all the work I need to get done. I have 6 weeks left and I'm probably only a little halfway finished with my compiler project. I need to finish it up soon.

Before I leave you, here's the MP3 of the week...I don't have much to say about it, but it's pretty silly sounding. It's my gift to you...Wake up and Chill Out...

*yawn* Oh well, I need rest. I'll talk to you people later.

[3/17/2002 6:57:35 PM | Shawn Conn]
I don't know if this will ever see the light of day but I
m going to talk as if it is. I'm debating wether or not to post this because I'm in such a depressed state. Hopeless negativity is what I'm feeling and I really don't want to feel this way but it's what I feel like and I'm trying to deal with it.

Have you ever tried to push two bar magents of same ends together? That's what's like trying to make me happy. The closer I feel too happiness, the greater the force repeling me away from that happiness. I was talking to Will about this yesterday. I really feel like I have some form of manic-depression. The more happy I feel just means the greater depresed I'll be later on.

Let me, try to go through what happened. I had alot of fun Saturday, the last big thing of my Spring Break was the big party at Len's. There was much fun to be had, but near the end of the night I was started feeling quite depressed. Goddamn it, it's always the same problem about women and feeling lonely and I never do something about it. I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel like need to find someone for some reason. Everyone else I talk to it seems like has found other people except me. I hate it.

I don't think I should drink again for a while. When I was going home Saturday, I was feeling so depressed I was feeling like killing myself again. I already been through this stuff more than a year ago and I didn't want to go through again. I just don't feel like there is nothing to make me happy anymore.

I guess my biggest problem is that I don't feel like there much left that I want to do. I know it sounds silly but alot of times that's what I feel. I don't know what it is, but I really have this overwhelming desire to find another girl. I've never had a relationship that I've been and everytime I think about it I feel that much worse. I've told you what I've thought about relationships before and I know that I shouldn't be stressing about it this much, but that's easy to say when you find it easy to fall in love with someone.

I know my biggest problem is that I'm way to picky. There have been many opportunities, but I just dont go for them. I find it hard to get attracted to a girl. When I look for someone, I look for someone that I could say that I truely love. I don't use the term love lightly. I wish I did use the term as lightly as others do, I wouldn't be feeling so shitty right now if I did. But that's the way I feel.

Feeling this way sets me up for so much hurt though. At times, I feel like there's no one that would feel this way about me and I get so depressed. I don't know how to handle it. That's the way I felt near the end of the party last night. At that point, I don't feel like talking to people about it because it's such a stupid, depressing topic that solves nothing. So I just sit there dwelling on it.

When I when home, I was feeling so down. I was driving so wrecklessly. I think I pushed my car past 100 mi/h. When I got home I could smell burning rubber. This is obviously not normal. I should be feeling this down, but I don't know what to do about it. I shouldn't feel this bad about something as trival as this. But I make it so important, I don't know why. I guess everyone feels like like they need love. I wish it was just about sex...that would be so easy to solve. But no...I got to fuck it all up. I hurt so much now, I don't know what to do.

I've got to do something, I can't keep feeling this way. I dunno what to do to though. It's times like these that I start to resent the person I am and I want to start to destroy myself.

...then I remember all the stuff I have to do for classes and a job that I have to look for this summer. I keep feeling overwhelmed and hurt. I'm starting to lose my will to live. I wish I knew something that I could help me out. I just want to say fuck it and just destoy it all but I want to say I have I hope. I'm running out of that pretty fast though. I should go, I'm getting really upset and not making much sense. I'll try to get back to you when I've some good news, but I dont' think that's going to happen for a while.

That's all I have,

be well...

[3/14/2002 9:00:12 PM | Shawn Conn]
Hello again, I'm back once again to talk about my mediocre spring break...

Speaking of mediocre, if you had any desire to See 40 Days 40 Nights don't see it. I saw a couple of days ago with Steve and Alex. It was pure stupidity at its best. Before I saw it, Newt went on how horrible it was and how it's represents all that's wrong with mass media. I figured as much from looking at the trailers, but I tried to see it as the comedy it was. It failed even on that level. Some the jokes got a chuckle, but nothing really worth mentioning. I find it funny that they make such a big deal about the character not having sex. I guess in a world where all the women are hot(like in the movie) its much more important than it is here and in fact its quite humorous that a person would abstain from sex at that. Either way the premise isn't really that funny. Also, watching other people torture a guy just because he can't have something(like in this movie) is far from funny in my eyes. It's just right out mean. That's probably why I hated every character in the movie.

Oh well, moving to on more important things than useless hollywood garbage...I don't think I'm going to get done with my compiler project. Every step of the way I hit some error that takes forever to get resolved. I spent 2 hours and got nowhere on this problem so I gave up and started writing. I emailed the proffessor and hopefully he'll get back to me before too long so I can do something about it. Right now I'm planning on going to the big D in a bit to see Newt and Claire. That will atleast put me in a better mood.

I saw a funny thing last night on my way to Steve's. I was behind a cop and on the bumper it had a URL for www.clarksvillepolice.com, if you don't see why its funny it's because the .com TLD is used for commerical entities. I guess the Clarksville Police's job isn't to serve and protect after all, just make profit. I'm still kind of bitter at them from not taking me to my house when my car got towed. I hope the guy that pulled me over for that gets shot....I know I shouldn't feel that way toward people that have such a important job as the police do, but it's hard to feel any sympathy for someone when you're only experience with them has been negative. Any respect I had for the police I lost it the day I was arrested for PI. The cop was needlessly mean for something so ludicrious. Also another problem is they have to enforce the law regardless what they think of it(though it's somewhat questionable because alot of times they can just ignore it). If I can't think of a perfectly good reason for a why a law is there, I don't believe it should be followed. I find it hard to respect people that follow laws blindly with out questioning why they are there.

I went to the doctor Tuesday, I think I've decided what the problem has been. Luckily, it's not anything with high blood pressure. The doctor told me the stabbing pain in my chest sounds like something called chest wall or something. He said when a person is under constantly level of stress(not neccessarily alot just constant) that sometime their muscles can contract inward and put pressure on their chest bone. Thus when they move, they sometime can feel sharp pains. It makes some sense considering I know my muscles tense up alot when I feel under pressure(especially when I'm gaming). He gave me some sample medication and said if the pain comes back try taking those to see if they have any effect. That's about the best he could do considering the pain comes and goes. Hopefully, that will be the last of that problem.

Oh well, that's about all I have hopefully tommorow will be better....see ya guys around,

[3/11/2002 10:59:39 AM | Shawn Conn]
I didn't expect to do much posting over the break(being that I don't have a computer and all), but funny things happen. Anyway, I had to get my files for CS that I'm going to work on and I figure while I'm here might as well kill some time before I go home...

So far the break has been, fun. Not much happened Thursday night, I couldn't really find any people. Friday was great fun. Atom and his package played at the BYRCC house. I'm not really a big fan of punk rock, but Atom is great. It was good stuff, fun times. After that there much talking at the big D until late into the evening. It was a very fun night.

Saturday was more the same. Will called me up and we went out to the mall. I needed batteries and to abuse the Walmart exchange policy. My PS2 controller fucked up and I was damned if I was going to buy another one. After that, Will and I were obligated to atleast get one game of Tekken 4 going. After that we chilled at my place until we met up with Nick and Evan. They were going to see some chick whose name is Liz Dick. Needless to say, Will and Evan probably had a field day with that.

I didn't really feel like going, I wanted to see Len who had called eariler that day. I had only saw him briefly Thursday so I wanted to chill with him. After picking up Shaolin Soccer, I went to his place. On the way there I saw that Emily was home so stopped by before I went there. She seemed kinda down when I got there. She was upset over her boyfriend, or lack thereof. I don't really know all the details, but it seems to me that nobody should go through all that trouble about a relationship. Either it happens or it doesn't, if one person doesn't feel the same way about the relationship as you do then it shouldn't happen and they should both move on.

Anyway, I tried to cheer her up and said she should forget her problems and watch Shaolin Soccer. When we got there we ended up drinking though. Len was playing Tiberian Sun when we got there and in order to play it we had to install some codecs and all that junk. It didn't really matter all that much though, drinking and chilling with people was much fun too. I was there for a long while. When I finally got around to leaving I was feeling kinda down though. I don't know if I should drink that much anymore.I always have so much fun, but near the end of the night I start to get so depressed. I would like to go sleep once after a party and not feel so damn lonely.

When I woke up the next morning I was feeling pretty shitty since I was pretty dehydrated. I got some water and played some video games. Will called me again and we ended up going with Newt to do much fun things. Later on we visited Teddy and hung out with him for awhile. It was all kinds of fun, I really miss the guy. It's a pity is always working so much.

I think I'm going to leave, I had more to say(like usual) but I really feel like going home and getting some rest. I hit a bump in this project and I need rest while I think about it. See yas when I see ya...


[3/6/2002 2:08:49 AM | Shawn Conn]
I think I'm going to do a quick little post before bed. I have a 730 tommorow and I'm not really sleepy which is going to make things suck when I have to wake up tommorow.

I've given up on trying to finish the compiler by this Sunday. I just don't feel like dedicating that much time in a few days. This means I'm probably going to be working on it over the break. It sucks but this break was going to suck anyway so I really don't care too much about it now. Everyone's going to be working or at school so I might as well be doing something over the day anyhow. The only problem is I don't have an internet connection at home. What I've been thinking about doing is visiting various people's houses over the break and using their internet connect throughout the day. Sort of a Shawn tour or something. That way I'll get to see people and I'll be able to get some work done at the same time. I don't know who is going to be able to do it, but I guess I can ask around when I get home. If that doesn't pan out, I can atleast go to family member's house or something.

I don't know what I'm hoping to do over the break, but I want to do something different for change. In the time that I'm not working on my compiler, I want to come away from this spring break with my life changed in a positive way or something. So far my only plans had been to see a doctor but that's probably not going to change anything. It's been awhile since I thought about myself, where I am, etc...and actually felt good about things. I don't know if it's because I'm naturally pesimistic or what but I'm sick of feeling it. I'm going to try to keep hope something really good is going to happen this break and I'm going to try to make it happen.

Well that's about all I've got I'll see you when I see you.


[3/4/2002 12:08:47 AM | Shawn Conn]
"I don't have to be a human doing, just a human being"

Apparently I said that a while back. It sounds very cool, but I don't remember it in the least.

I don't remember how it came up last night but I said something about how people don't have to do anything. Next thing I know I look up and Newt's like "say it." It was that point that I realized that Sam, Newt, and Claire were looking at me as if they were expecting me to say something. I asked them what were they talking about then they told me the great quote I had said a while back. I thought I would have remembered me saying something cool like that but I don't have the faintest memory of it. A long while back I mentioned a story in here about how Emily mentioned alot of things that I did that I didn't remember at all. It was that feeling all over again. It's times like those that I'm really surprised who I am. It's the memories we have of what we done in our lives that are the only clue to who we are.(disregarding pictures,mirrors,etc, for a moment) It's always funny when you see self in a way that you've never thought about before. It makes you really think about who you are.

I wish I could selectively remove the memories I have. I would remove alot of memories that I have right now. I dunno if I mentioned this or not, but I believe selectively remembering stuff is a key to better happiness and greater charisma. Better happiness comes from that whole "ignorance is bliss" cliche: the less people remember, the less they have to worry about, meaning they tend to enjoy themselves more than those would tend to remember such things. The charisma aspect will take a few more sentences to explain. I thought of this sometime last summer when I was talking to James. When I thought of the most social, likeable people I knew one characteristic that stood out came to mind. Bad memory. The way I use the term "bad memory" doesn't mean that they can't remember anything. It means that generally, they tend to remember less about details about things that have happened in their life and just remember the big picture or even in some cases tend to forget that.

I say that in a way that sounds bad, but I think it's far from the truth. What I've realized about not having a good memory is that it makes things that would otherwise seem boring, new and exciting. I think that's why charismatic people are so forgetful. They can get really excited about things because they can forget that they've done them before. It's this excitement about things that translates to them sharing with other people. Its a potent social catalyst. Being able to discuss many things that excites you makes people want to talk to you and share those activities with you. That's not the only thing it takes to be charismatic but it's a key part I think...

There are alot times when I feel like I boarder between someone who feels very social and one who feels very anti-social. It's times when I tend to feel anti-social that I wish I could start forgetting stuff that makes me feel whatever it is that I'm feeling when I'm in this very anti-social mood. I wish there was something I could do about it, but that's all it is...wishing. I can't see any real way of getting rid of memories short of killing my mind with drugs. Oh well, I enjoy who I am most the time anyway.

Well now that's off my mind....What else is going on? Not much. I didnt' get started on my compilers project like I said I was going to. Once the weekend came around, I felt like I really needed a break The proffessor gave us another week to finish the project so I figure start on it this week and finish it maybe during the weekend of spring break or something.

Unfortunately this Friday didn't provide much relief to me. There was a big party at Kent's, but I didn't drink. I don't want to talk as if I wasn't happy because I wasn't drinking but I think it was true. I was quite unhappy that night and I didn't feel good at all. I just kept thinking about being lonely. I ended up leaving the party after 2 hours I think and I played some GTA3 to block out some of the pain and then I went to bed.

Saturday turned out much better. It was quite cold that night. I ended up at Craig's with alot people from Jeff who came up to party and whatnot. We had fun at the apartment for a bit then we went out on the town for a while. All the while it was pretty cold. It was snowing too. The weather was great. We hung out around the bar areas of West Lafayette watching Will and Evan cause a ruckus...funny stuff. That really put me in much better spirits. It was the first time in a while that I could say that I was in a good a mood. Hopefully, this will be continuing trend.

I had more to talk about, but I already see the post is staring to get quite hefty so I'll leave you guys with another MP3 of the week. This one is from the opening track of Silent Hill. If you haven't played the game, it's the creepiest damn horror game I think there is out there. I don't want to go into the details why as not to spoil the game for you if you should so happen to play it, but it's definately worth checking out. Most the soundtrack is creepy ambient music that really doesn't have much complexity to it, but what it does has builds the atmosphere perfectly for the game. This track is one of the few tracks in the game that really isn't in the same category as the rest of the music. It's more melancholy tune that really suits the character's demanor in the game. Probably one the game's flaws could be called the voice acting. All the characters act really apathetic and drugged out. After playing through the game numerous times though, I think it really adds to the atmosphere. I dunno if Konami intentially made the voice actors in the game to sound so apathetic, but I'm willing to bet it was done intentionally for effect. Anyway, enjoy the MP3...I'm going to roll on out of here to get some sleep.


[2/28/2002 8:48:57 PM | Shawn Conn]
I'm feeling kind low today: ( I should be getting started on my compiler project but I really don't have the energy. I think I might just go to sleep soon and finish it when I get back up. I have alot of stuff due between this week and next. I don't really care much about it getting done or not, I just want it out of my face. If there's any good news to any of this stuff it's that I have a mid-B (post curve) in my abstract algebra and a high-B in my Diff Eq class. But it's just a fleeting moment happiness when you feel like I do. *sigh*

It looks like I'll be stuck here for another day. I talked to my parents about getting me on Thursday. Some words were said, they aren't coming. It sucks. I guess its only one day so it won't be that bad, but I'm beginning do despise this place. I want to leave here as soon as possible. It just pisses me off that I don't have a car. I'm sick of not being able to go where I want when I want.

I don't even know if I'm all that excited about going home for spring break anymore. I think I'll just end up dissappointed now. I guess, I'll see some people and do some stuff that will be fun but I really don't have much of a positive attitude about it anymore. I don't think most the people will have the same spring break as I do( ie I'm going to spend alot time playing videogames because people will be busy).

I don't see how one semester can crush all the hopes you have, but somehow this semester. About the only fun I get out of the day is when I have some spare time to kill just looking at something on the computer or play video games. I don't really get much time to see and hang out with people because my fucking homework forces me to a schedule that limits alot of social activity. Actually it wouldn't probably that bad if Alex wasn't having much more fun than I am. It's just really depressing when you have to do alot of stuff and your roommate gets to play PC games a majority of the time, party, go out with people, have fun with chicks, etc. It occured to me a while back when I was feeling lonely I can't think one chick I'm interested in this semester. Not because I'm not interested in finding one, it's just that I feel so busy I haven't been noticing. That and the fact that my social activities are left to a minimum...*depressed*

Actually I'm probably not depressed in the true sense of the term, but sure feels like it. I like to sleep alot just because it means I'm not awake.

Biggest Contributing Factors:
4. Stress of Classes- It hasn't been that bad lately now that I'm in the groove of classes but there's still always more work and it sucks. I always have to plan my day out to make sure I spend enough time on class stuff, it sucks. So much work, so many test, and labs....ugh

3. Health- This probably from #4 that and I'm a prime candicate for heart diseasse. I just feel ill alot of times. A weeks back I had this stabing pain in my chest after I ate, I couldn't tell if it was heartburn or something else. I haven't been eating that much(one meal a day is pretty much standard for me), but it's not like the places around here to eat are that heatlhy. Maybe I should eat even less.

2. Lack of People to Be With- Like I said before I don't get too much social activity due to classwork/etc. If I get to see anyone else than Alex through the day I'm lucky but most the time I have to spend alot time in my room working/sleeping/ or taking a break. Even with Alex here in the room I don't really say all that much because I'm busy with work. Alot the times he's playing CS or D2 or he's out doing something.

1. No love- Probably related to #2. I feel lonely alot just sitting here working on all these assignments. Like I said before I can't think of one person I'm interested in. Again, it's my own fault but theres not much you can do when you have to bend your schedule around classes. I imagine if I didnt have such high standards, was drunk most the time, I could go to parties to hook up with some random chicks. But I've already tried that route. I've done the whole big party semester of college and I think I'm done with partying at college. I dunno why, it's just no fun anymore. Probably the size, there's usually way too many people packed into one room at one time all trying to get drunk and all trying to accomplish whatever the fuck it is they want to do for the night.I guess if I would just try to have fun instead of think so much it would be different...I just don't know anymore what it is I want. Whatever it is, I don't think I'm going to find it at a party.

Well enough complaining. I really would like about other stuff on my mind, but like I said it's hard to do that when you feel like shit.

I really enjoy this blog stuff, it's fun to see what kinds of stuff are going on in other people's lives. Unfortunately, most the people I know don't post all the much often. Atleast not is much as I do. Maybe it's because I always have alot of stuff on my mind. I have alot to say though. It's takes alot of words to find out Who is the Man with the Name that Rhymes....

[2/26/2002 7:11:44 AM | Shawn Conn]
I wonder if I look as bad as I feel. I think I do. Right before I left for Diff. Eq. , I looked in the mirror and my eyes were bloodshot. The person looking at me was a very unhappy looking soul. My weekend was horrible and semi-sleep deprived(I got 8 hours of sleep but it sure didn't feel like it).

When I woke from my rest on Friday it was around 11pm. From that moment on til around 2pm( the next day) I was working on my CS project. After it was done I grabbed some food and went back to sleep. I woke up around 8-10pm Saturday. I don't remember exactly when it was, all the details of this weekend are hazy. Anyway, before I started on my CS project I went with Alex to get some beer and let him buy me some food for me since I bought him the beer(yay for contribution to a minor). After that he dropped me off so he could out and party.

I worked on my CS project again til late at night. I didn't stop until sometime around 3am, and it wasn't because I was done. Alex came in the door and he wanted me to go to Labamba's with him. I didn't really feel like, but I could see that he wanted me to go so I did anyway. He was going on and on about all the fun stuff he did at the two parties and the drama that occured afterward(this could easily be alot bigger if I went into the details but I'm tired I'll give you the abridged version) . I could tell by the way he was talking he wanted some advice or something introspective, but I really wasn't in the mood to offer much dialog.

I wish I could say that I was happy/concerned/whatever with what he was talking about, but I wasn't. When you're spending a whole lot of time just looking at screen not having any fun and someone wants to discuss all the fun stuff they were doing it gets pretty depressing. I didn't feel like talking. I didn't feel like walking with him to Labamba's, but I did it because he was my closest friend. I think I said a total of 5 words on the whole trip. I mostly just stared off into space and made guestures when there was a moment for me to reply.

Once we got back, I worked on my CS project once again until around 2pm. It wasn't as long a period as Friday was though because at some point I took a break to play some GTA3. I was stuck at some point in the project and I was staring to nod off. I figured playing some video games would get a little adreline going so I could stay up and finish it which is what happened

That was basically the whole weekend.





And what's worse I'll probably be doing the same thing next weekend since I only have 2 weeks for the next phase of the project. It especially sucks more because I hear alot of stuff is going on this weekend. Fuck it all.

I went to my classes yesterday, but I was halfway gone so I didn't get my full potential out of my classes. When I got back home, I fell right asleep. I woke up around 2ish and played some GTA3 for a few hours. I'm sure making alot of progress, it about less than a week I'm almost halfway through the game. Keep in mind most those days weren't spent playing the game too.

Right now I debating or not whether to do the Diff Eq lab. I would done it yesterday on a normal schedule but I was so tired, I just didn't go. I don't think I'm going to do it, I don't even care about the stupid lab anymore, it's pointless and I don't learn shit in the lab. They should ax that stupid part of the class.

I usually like to write some insightful stuff in my posts, but glancing over what I just written I can see it's more bitching than anything. I haven't really got into thinking about any kind of topics lately. I've been so miserable, I haven't really thought much about anything other than I feel like shit. I don't even feel that excited about spring break anymore either.

Well, I think I should end things here. I feel really tired and I don't think my mind is thinking very straight at this point. I just looked over what I wrote and I feel alittle confused. It either means I'm not writing well because I'm tired or I can't understand what I'm reading because I'm tired. Either way, it won't make for any kind of coherent post. I'm going to shake it out of here...

[2/22/2002 6:35:08 PM | Shawn Conn]
I don't think I'm going to get to do anything this weekend again. *sigh* I was able to manage to get my project somewhat working, but it's far from working. It's due Sunday. I probably won't be as busy as I was last time but it's still going to take alot of time nonethelesss. I'm not going to get much rest after that either. The last two weeks before spring break is going to feature such awesome features as:

-2 Diff. Eq Lab (now with a Linear Algebra twist)
-Homework and even more homework(the inevitable pain that comes with having 2 math courses and EE270)
-2 "Awesome"(results may vary) EE270 labs at 7-fucking-30 in the morning
-2 Exams for Diff Eq and EE270(Maybe I'll actually get some time to study on this one).
-Another phase of the compiler project due in two weeks(meaning as soon as I get done with this one I better get started on the next because its due the Sunday of Spring Break, I'll be damned if I'll be working on this after I go back home)
-Plus much more!

On the plus side, I got a Grand Theft Auto 3 yesterday and this cable that lets me take my memory card data and put it on my PC.Meaning that I pretty much have unlimited space when it comes to storing useless data for my games(pointless silly replays, random screen captures of Xiaoyu/Julia in Tekken Tag, other pictures taken with the camera in MGS2, et. al).Unfortunately, I probably wont get to play with them much because of all the work. Oh well, I guess that's what the break is for...that and seeing people.

I'm so tired, I'll be glad when these two weeks are over. Those stabbing pains in my chest come back every now and then. Sometimes when I laugh even. It hasn't been too frequent for me to worry about it immediately, but I'll probably see a doctor over the break. Maybe he'll give me some happy drugs, I need to put a positive spin on my life....

This just came to mind, I haven't explained those links on the sidebar. Here's the lowdown:

Steve's Backyard Boxing!!!: Pretty Obvious, anything I create is pretty much gets a plug for SBB. I'm even wearing my T-Shirt right now.

SBB Webtracker: This I get a kick out of now and then. It's listing of all kinds of interesting states. Probably the most interesting/disturbing is the where alot of refencing links come from...

My Homepage: My dumb little home page about me

MP3 Collection: This I think is here for me more than anything else so I can see which MP3 I have. It's getting to the point where it's hard to remember which MP3s I have and which I dont.

Something Awful: A damn parody, about a whole lotta topics. The awful links of the day are some pretty damn funny stuff.

TheSpark.com's Personality Test: Exactly as said, it's pretty interesting I would suggest it to anyone reading this( whomever that might be)

Tekken Zaibatsu: The premiere Tekken site on the web. Everything you want to know about Tekken and more...

Slashdot: One the biggest news portal sites for tech/nerd news. All kinds of interesting stuff.

Game Assault Forum: About the only forum I post to on the web. And the only reason I think I do is for the nostalgia of the NGO(Next Generation Online) days.

Well that's it for me...see ya next time.

[2/20/2002 3:48:55 AM | Shawn Conn]
I was talking to Brian last night about lots of stuff. It ended up being a few hours. During the conversation I was reminded of a funny thing I heard in my economics class last year. I thought I would share it with you guys...

Story of Funny porpotions:
The economics class I had last year was so god damn boring. I think Economics is probably the most boring psuedo-science there ever was. I can't imagine anyone being exciting by the topic Economics. Aaron was also in my class that year. It was at 730 so needless to say waking up for this stupid boring class was a hard thing to do. After I think 2 days, Aaron stopped going to the class. I however still found myself waking up Tuesdays and Thursdays to go to the class to write down stuff the proffessor talked about as I kept nodding off. After he got like the 3rd consecutive quiz that he beat me by 1 point I stopped going to the class to. We would just show up for the class the day of test/quiz and made sure we memorize all the key terms and ideas before we went.

I remember this one time we went there for a quiz. We had to listen to a lecture because the proffessor just has to give a lecture before the quiz so to force those people that only show up for quiz/tests to listen to atleast a few boring lectures. I remember alot of times we just made sarcastic and wity remarks about whatever was being taught. It's a good way to past the time, especially if you're as sarcastic about things as much as Aaron is.

Anyway, during the lecture the proffessor starts talking about a Griffin Good. A Griffin Good is a good that defies the law of supply and demand. I don't remember exactly how, I think the price becomes greater as the quanity does(shows how much I got out of the class huh?). Anyway she keeps going on about a Griffin Good like it's something that's on the cutting edge of economics research. Then she mentioned how it's a purely hypothetical good that's only found to exist in studies involving rats. That was pretty much the funniest damn thing I heard. First of all, economics seems so boring and easy the idea of research makes is pretty funny. But the idea studies involving purely hypothetical goods that involve rats is just damn hilliarious. That was about the only good thing I got out of the class.

Random Topics of the Day:
Once again, I'm putting off doing my work. I'll have to start soon though as I have a EE270 lab in about 6 hours. I fucked up my sleep cycle again so now I ended up sleeping through the day again.

I talked to my mom yesterday because I wanted to inform her of various purchases and whatnot. She ended up telling me of how like 3 of my relatives ended breaking up with their significant other/spouse/whatever. My uncle Lucky(which coincidently he isn't) is being sued in his divorce. I dont' know the details or really care. Alot of my family is money grabbing assholes. I can't tell you how many lawsuits, squabbles, or whatever have occured when someone in our family has died and their so concerned about their cut in will. It's really pathetic.

Luckily my parents aren't too bad about issues when it deals with money. Though every now and then, they make it more an issue than they should. Like when they buy stuff for Christmas or whatever consumer holiday might be rolling around. They buy way too much stuff than they should sometimes, then they complain about how their budget is tight. I don't expect them to buy me anything for Christmas, my birthday, or whatever. I really don't think I deserve it all the stuff they buy me and the fact that I don't get them anything just makes it worse. I know they enjoy doing it and it makes them happy, but I really think there are others ways to show your appreciation for someone other than buying stuff for them. I'm not going rant on them that much since they are after all paying for my college in full(no scholarships,loans, or any of that). But I think they act like way too many Americans do. They really have good intentions but they misguided. Many spend so much time worrying about money they show their good intentions with money instead of other actions(sorry if that was too political or whatever, I was just thinking of a big conversation I had with Brian last night about excess consumerism.)

A while back I used to mass mail people with top 10 lists of various topics so I thought I would continue its time-honored tradition here.
While most RPGs usually have the same cliched storyline and characters. There are handful that have great stories, characters, and even fun game play(even if most the motivation for playing through most RPG is the story). This is my list of RPGs that excel in these categories

Top 10 RPGs:
1. Xenogears
2. Deus Ex
3,4,5. Final Fantasy VI, VII, and X(It's hard to decide which one beats which so consider them all tied)
6. Chrono Trigger
7. Chrono Cross
8. Persona: Revelations
9. Legacy of Kain
10. Baldur's Gate I,II, and throne of Bhaal

I would go through all my reasons why each entry is there but I do have class stuff to get through so I'm going to have to cut it alittle short. I'll leave you with this weeks MP3 of the week. This one comes from the Persona: Revalations Soundtrack which I downloaded this week(you'll notice that its on my top 10 RPG list). A big part of the appeal of music from RPG is that the music has a story associated with it(It's not really any different from most other music since alot the music we like we associate with other things we like). So I'll give you the run down the story in context with the song(or you could play the game which I highly reccomend).

Anyway, the song is called Kandori's Theme: Pathos. Kandori, I assume, is the name of the villian in the Japanese version of the game. If you played through the US version, you'll known that his name is Guido. In the game, Guido has created a device which allow him manipulate space/time or something like that using a machine his company had created. Thus Guido has become godlike through use of this machine. Once you confront him in frivilous attempt to stop him, he ends up using the device to change the world into this huge palace called Deva Yuga(which from Sanscript translates to something like the Divine Age). After this, you must manage your way through the massive palace to confront him once again. Once you make way through this huge palace to confront him again things don't carry out like you think they would. For once you get there he has no will to stop you, argue with you, or do anything for that matter. In the time that Guido changed the entire world and became a god, he realized an irony that comes with trying to obtain ultimate power: Once you become a god, there isn't anything left to do in life. Becoming omnipotent and omniscent defeats the purpose of life altogether. Nothing new to learn, nothing new to do, what else is there left to do? This pretty much sums of the Pathos part of the title to his theme. It was a very intersting twist on fighting the final all-powerful villian in the game. It's because of that(among other reasons) Persona is one my favorite RPGs.

Now, to my homework....

This is the Man With the Name that Rhymes, signing off....

[2/18/2002 1:05:28 AM | Shawn Conn]
Same shit, new day. Nothing new. I didn't get started on my project until late Saturday this weekend because I was distracted by other things. Surprisingly, it wasn't the opposite sex either. Mostly it was other activities with friends. After classes on Friday, I stopped by Subway to grab some food. Once I got to my room Alex and Kevin were there. Newt came by later on and pretty much the rest of the night was doing stuff with them. It was pretty fun, I guess. I probably would enjoyed myself alot more if I didn't have this horrible stabbing pain in my chest that followed me through the rest of the day. It was horrible. I dunno what the hell it was but if I laid on my back or moved around alot it just felt worse. Luckily it was gone by the next day.

I did more stuff with Newt, Kevin, and Alex Saturday too. I would go into to the details but it wasn't anything big. Actually, I'm having trouble recalling what happened. It seems kinda fuzzy. I don't think my heart was in to doing anything that day. I slept for probably 13 hours that day. I never feel excited about anything lately, it's very depressing( that's a big change of pace huh?). They all left to see a movie later on that day. I might of went but I didn't have any cash(like usual) and I had to get started on my CS project. After about 2 hours of fucking around with it I called it quits and watched Shaolin Soccer that everyone was raving about it. It was damn funny too. I definately reccommend seeing it.

Sunday: I went out again with Alex, Kevin and Newt to go eat. Once again, I didn't really feel motivated to join but I guess I was hungry. Sometimes when I join people to eat, I dunno if it's because I wanted to be with their company or just eat. It feels like lately I've been only eating to put myself in a better mood which is something that I definately want to steer clear of.

I worked more on the CS project after eatingI worked on it until I hit a point where I should asked a TA about what to do, so I'll probably go to an PSO tommorow. Luckily the workload for this week is fairly easy: A Diff Eq exam on Monday, 2 Diff Eq Homework , 1 Abstract Algebra, 1 EE270 Assignments and a EE270 lab. I should have plenty of time to work on my project this weekend.

2 weeks, 4 days that's how much time I have left until Spring Break. I've been noticing that I've been counting the time for a while now. For a while I thought things were getting better but I still really don't feel any better about anything going on. I'll be glad when spring break rolls around. The semester will be more than a half over by then and maybe by then I'll have something to look forward to. I'm sick of feeling this way. I don't feel like I have anything to say to anyone positive when I feel like this and I don't want to talk about being depressed because its never any fun to talk to people about such things. So that just leaves me to mope about. For a while, my mom has been nagging me about going to see a doctor or some shit about this. I usually blow it off because I doubt it will do any good. Either one of two outcomes will come from it: go see a therapist or go take some prescription anti-depressants. The last time I ended up seeing a therapist and that didn't really do much of anything. I might as well talk to my friends about it, I get about the same amount of help with out spenting money. The second option I just really don't like. I just don't believe any kind of drug will make you happy and even if it does, it will become something you'll be dependant on for your happiness. *sigh*

I'd better roll out of here, I didn't want this post to be this long and I've got things to do tommorow.

[2/15/2002 3:49:28 AM | Shawn Conn]
Random Thought: Sometimes I wish I was a superstar rapper. Not really because I bust out mad rhymes, but I like how all rap stars act so arrogant and pompous like they're the second coming or something. It's just a big joke to me. If I was a rapper I would write my name like $hawn ¢onn because all rappers have mo' cash and love to show their fans how much shit they can buy thanks to them.

Anyway, I'm in a better mood than I was last time. Today I took my abstract algebra test, I did really well I think. I woke up at 6am and studied until 1015am. I felt pretty damn confident going in there to take the test. I was able to answer all the questions and I think they were all right. Actually, when I was done I was still waiting for the time to be up(we had the whole class period to it).The proffessor gave the class and extra 5 minutes to finish up the exam so I just dropped it off and left early, I was only one of a few people who got finished so quickly so I'm hopeful about the grades.After that I had alot of rest. I ended up waking up off and on throughout the day waiting for my 430 class. After that and dropping off my homework I went home where procceed not to do much of anything.

After Alex talked on the phone with a few chicks about Valetine's stuff, we went to the big D. I had just gotten some gift certicates in the mail so it was my treat. We talked about relationships, love, and whatnot while we were there. It was a interesting conversation.

I think what I got out of the conversation was that I really don't want to be in a relationship with someone. I talked to him for a while how alot times I feel that a relationship is something people want because they see alot in TV, movies, etc and they feel a overwhelming need to have that. Sure people have the need to be loved but think about this for a second. I mentioned to Alex friendships fill alot of need to be loved/appreciated/whatever(unless your thinking about physical relationship but lets just put that aside for a moment), but you don't see people going out of their way to make friendships. At least I don't.

That's why I blame stuff like TV,movies, commericals, or whatever. They generate a need that should be there that much. They set expectations for what a relationship should be. That's bullshit. If there's anything I learned from the past two years if you set up expectations you're bound to be dissappointed. When you expect nothing thats when you'll find yourself to be the most fulfilled. You can't look for happiness in relationships, it has to find you.

I dont' want to be in relationship, I don't want to feel obligated to some other person. I don't want much. I just want to enjoy the company of another chick who I find attractive. I just want to enjoy being with them and enjoy sharing activities with each whatever it may be. Especially, sex :)

Oh well, enough of that I don't think I'm going to find anyone like that this semester. At least not while I'm this busy with classes. I can't remember the exact quote from Brad Pitt in the Fight Club commentary track(a must if you really enjoyed the movie) but it's something like, "First deal with your own problems, then we'll tackle the vagina issue."

While somewhat near the topic about sex, I played Dead or Alive 3 at Walmart after Denny's today. If you don't know anything about it, it's an exclusive fighting game for the Xbox. It's somewhat lacking in the depth that Tekken has, but it's leaps and bounds(pun very much intended) ahead of Tekken's (.)(.) jiggle technology( they even have a feature in the option menu that lets you adjust the "age" of your fighters which corresponds to how much bounce they have). What the Dead or Alive series lacked in depth of gameplay it always has made up in amount of sexy female characters with of course (.)(.) that jiggle (In real time no less!). While I was playing trying to figure out which buttons did I think I had more fun tapping the directional pad to watch their chests in motion than I did with the attacking buttons. I don't know why I'm enticed so much by virtual (.)(.) but I try not to think about it too much, just sit back and enjoy it.

Anyway, it might or might not be a good game. I really never got down the controlls just right. If I had the game though, I bet I would never play as the male characters(which I believe there are a total of 3). It's just so much more fun to watch females fight each other.

Well, it's getting late and I have to get some rest. All you guys take it easy and have a good one.

[2/14/2002 12:56:43 AM | Shawn Conn]
Lameness covers the day once again. I slept on and off throughout the day. I wish I would of got a full 8 hours of sleep last ngiht but I had a lame ass EE270 lab today. It was pretty long and tedious. Once I got back, I slept more. I woke up with an hour before Diff Eq. luckily I was able to finished the homework I didn't complete the night before. After that I spent nearly 2 hours sitting in line to talk to the TA about getting a 10/100 on project0. He didn't even do anything after I told him the problem. He just stared at me blandly and then told me to write my name down on list for people to resubmit their projects. Lame. Once I got back to my room I send the files again to the TA, I better get a 100 this time.

After that Alex,Kevin, Newt and I went to the mall for things and food. It was ok. I didn't really say or do much. I zoned out a little here and there. I got back and finished my EE270 homework which I pretty much now have to do even if its opional or not. I got a 44/100 on the test. I'm not really upset, I'm past the point of caring but it might be passing after the curve(the average was 60)

Right now, I'm still busy as I usually am. I keep having to put shit off until later because something else comes up. I've been wanting to start my compiler project this week and start my laundry but I'm foiled at every turn. After the test tommorow, I should be free to do both. Not that I'm really looking forward to it. Since I'm starting so late it probably means I'm going to have to spend the whole weekend again doing it. *sigh* Unhappiness in the making.

I just finished compiling my latest MP3 list. It's about 6100 MP3's about 2/3 of which is game music. I've been finding alot of game music lately so that's the reason for probably the jump from the 50/50 ratio that it usually is. I've added a MP3 of the week section for the hell of it. I have alot of music I might as well share it with the people that even care to read this junk.

The first MP3 I'm going to use is one I've been listening to a few times today. It's the Eddy's theme from Tekken Tag Tounament. If you been to my room/house you know it's a game I play quite often. Eddy's theme is the best song on the Tekken Tag Soundtrack I think. There really isn't much to the song but it's rhythm really gets your adrenline pumping in a fight. I guess it would only figure that Eddy's song would have such a cool rhythm to it. If you know anything about his fighting style, Capoiera, it's that it there's alot of rhythm to it. At times Capoiera looks more like dancing than it does fighting, According to some book Will read about Capoiera, they also suggest you also listen to music while you practice as it helps you develop rhythm. So what better way to practice Capoiera yourself by listening to the Tekken Capoiera master's theme. Enjoy!

I think that's all I've got in me. I'll continue again when I'm in better spirits

[2/11/2002 1:54:53 AM | Shawn Conn]
*yawn* I'm pretty sleepy. For some reason I didn't have much energy this weekend and despite the fact that I slept for 10hours I'm still sleepy.

Shawn's Break from Hell: Day One

The weekend was not all I hoped to be but it was fun seeing people none the less. When I got back in town, I took a shower then tried to call people. It didn't seem like I could get a hold of anyone. I either got nothing or they were out busy with something. The only person I got a hold of was Emily. We play a nice little game of phone tag before I got the word she was going to Hill St. gang's place. I told her I might stop by in a bit. A few minutes later she called and she says they were gone. So I figure what else could we do. I figure the Big D standby would be nice. After all I just wanted to see people, not do things. So we decided to meet with Michelle up at the big D. Well a few minutes pass after that and she calls saying that she's going to some band or something(I forgot). Anyway, that left me pretty much nothing to do.I just kinda sat there with for a while. I ended up watching TV. There was a fairly interesting thing on the history channel about the history of Pro Wrestling. I'm not a fan in the least of it, but I must say it was interesing. After watching I can say I have a little more respect for it, even if I still dont' like it all. It did a excellent job of defending Pro Wrestling again the criticize that it's all fake. Their argument was it's not suppose to be real and if you're going to criticize it on that level, you might as well criticize movies for being fake as well. It was a very valid point.

Thank god Michelle called soon after that and told me that a few people were going to meet at Steve's. I would been pretty bored otherwise. I ended up there for the rest of the night and enjoyed the company of some very good friends.

Shawn's Break from Hell: Day Two

The next day I was pretty tired I dunno why but I just had no energy in me. Will and I ended up going to Riverfront park to meet up with Claire, Evan, and alot more people. Craig, Evan, and Will were mostly there for the frisbee. I didn't have any energy in me, but I wanted to enjoy weather. It was pretty damn nice out there. I talked to a few people for a bit. Once they started playing frisbee I just kinda layed there on the grass while I listened to some music I brought with me. It felt really good with the brisk air, blue sky, and bright sun shinning on me. Later on they started to play kickball with a couple of random people at the park. I wasn't about to change my theme of laziness so I just kinda sat next to the pillars and watched them play. Not too soon afterwards I ended up falling asleep. When I woke, it wasn't too long after that that some dude ended up kicking the ball so hard it went onto the freeway. This was the 2nd at that, because he had eariler before the game kicked a football up there as well. Fortunately, we didn't hear the noise of a wreck. That would have been pretty funny to be on the highway driving and all of a sudden out of nowhere a ball comes and hits your car.

After the game was over, the group difused into its own different activies. Will, Claire, Shannon, and I ended up going to a cafe on 3rd Street. It was pretty fun. The burger and fries were good, not just the same old thing I used to. After that, I ended up leaving them to go to Lenny's apartment. Emily had paged me not too long ago and I figured she'd probably be at Len's. I was, as usual, right again. Len, Mason, Emmy, Jimmy( and later on Burke, Jeremy, and Michelle) were all there. We didn't really do much of anything, but like I said before I was here to see people and enjoy their company I wasn't here to do things.

I really liked how Len and Mason had done the apartment over. One the highlights of the night was the "For Sell" sign on the wall that had "Punk Rock" written in the place where you write the #. I asked Len where the punk rock for sale was and replied "go to channel 37" which happens to be MTV here. I didn't think about it much at the time, but retrospect it was really funny(and true!) and I was surprised I didn't laugh more.

Some other enlighting stuff that night:

My leg started cramping later on that night. It felt like I had ran alot despite I haven't done almost anything strenuous. It was enough to make me start to worry about blood pressure again. With stress about classes, life, love, etc. I dunno if my heart is holding the stress well. I'm screwed in heard dept, I have a history of heart problems on the male Conn family side. I don't put my life much past 50-60 years. I've mentioned before people have certain tendency to act the way they do because what they are( their family background, genes, etc...) I think depression, maybe I should say melancholy it sounds better, is my natural state not because I'm always sad but because maybe thats the way my body deals with such stress my heart( in both a metaphorical and literal sense) goes through.

I was kicking ass and taking names in Metal Combat for the SNES(one of the few kick ass super scope games) and while I was wondering how I could still be this good at a game that I haven't played in forever I was noticing the conversation behind me. Mason went on a rant about how music, life, and mathematics are related depsite the fact most people don't realize it. It was a really interesting conversation about Taoism, math, and how it kinda all ties together. If you saw the movie PI you would know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, I didn't get to add much to the conversation as I was busy getting to the final boss but it was most intersting to hear.

I talked to Emily alot that night too. It sounds silly, but I tend to forget what people look like quickly if I haven't seen them in a while. I forgotten how attractive I thought she was. I felt like flirting with her, but I thought it best not to after she mentioned all the junk she was going through with her quasi-boyfriend( I dont' remember if they were going out still or not). Once again, this is probably why I don't have anyone I think alot more than I do. I shoulda have flirted with her anyway, from what I hear this guy is kind of a chump. Not that I met him, that's just what I hear.

Some how later on we were on the topic of 'shrooms which lead to reminsicing(sp?) about prior experiences. Emmy mentioned alot of stuff I don't even remember doing back then. I dunno if I just had blocked it out or what, but I don't remember half the stuff she told me I did. It made me think why people tend to forget things, is it a way to block out what we don't want to think about it or is it because our brain only has such a capacity for memorization? It reminded me of Momento again.

I think it was a combination of both those reasons why I didn't remember that stuff:

*I tend to have horrible memory when it comes to people-related things. I think all my memory is focused in the spatial/logical/ area of the brain which helps remind me so much stuff in video games/computers/etc but makes me pretty incomptent when it comes to people. I can't help but think when I called Elizabeth Wilson(at the time Mason's current girlfriend) Nicole. (this chick that Mason hung out with alot, enough so that many were starting to question his faithfulness to her) I'll never forget that look on her face when I said that. It was pretty damn funny.The way Emily described in that stuff may me realized how anti people I can be sometimes.

*Nearing the end of the summer of '00(and the semester I took off) was extremely depressing for me. Enough so that I contemplated suicide a handful times and had to stop myself from doing it. It's very easy to say that I must of blocked alot of those memories away for good.

I left the place somewhere around 2 am where upon leaving I realized I had lost my control to the alarm. After searching for a bit I couldn't find it so I just left. I knew my mom was going to bitch at me(despite it not being a big deal since I can get around it now) but I didn't care at that point I was tired.

When I got back home I wanted to check to see if the hot tub was still on. It was one thing that really turned good for me. It was still on and kicking. I spent a good while in there while I sat up and looked at the stars. It was a pity I didn't know about it eariler, I would have invited people eariler. It's alot more fun if you have people with you(especially hot chicks since both hot tubs and hot chicks go together). Once I started thinking about that, I got out and went to sleep. I've began to realizing how my thinking tends to lead to the same conclusions and thoughts so tried to get to sleep before I started to get depressed about being lonely again. I wasn't up for feeling that again tonight.

That was pretty much the whole weekend. I have some more interesting tidbits about what happened on the way back but I've already written a fucking novel as it is. I should stop now as I'm getting quite sleepy. Be Well...

[2/8/2002 3:54:49 AM | Shawn Conn]
The week's almost over, almost...It'll be the end 5th or 6th week mean the semester is near a 3rd over. Thank god. This week has been so bad as last, I've played some Tekken here and there to make me feel a little better. It's working so far.

In other Shawn news, I'm going home for the weekend. It's really a spur of the moment thing, I heard Craig and Sam were going so I thought I would join them. I have to get a few things from home and maybe I'll go see some people too. Did I mention I'll be glad when this semseter is over.

I looked again at classes I need to take to complete my major...it's getting close to done. From the looks of it 10-14 classes. I'm not sure as of yet.

Hmm, topics there really isn't much on my mind as of right now. Here's something interesting though.Teddy mentioned reminded me of a thought I had a while back when he mentioned a certain part about the movie PI. I'm not going to go through the whole scene as I a bit tired but the gist of it is that once your mind becomes obssesed with a subject/topic/whatever it tends not to let go of it and tries to look for it so much. This also reminds me of something Newt read in a Psychology book. It talked about how researchers actived certain parts of rat's brains by using electrical impulses. By doing this they could make that rats, eat, sleep, or whatever just by using electronic pulses on certain parts of the brain. They talked about how they could make the rat continusouly press a lever if they activated a portiion of the brain that gave it pleasure.

Which gets me to the point, as rational as our mind seems there are times when it isn't rational at all. The brain is kind of set up in a way that when it finds something very pleasurable it obssesses all about it and when it finds something displeasant it wants nothing but for it to be gone. It kind of makes sense in a way, but it leads to weird things. People can become very irrational in times like this.

I sure know it happens to me alot. It's pretty bad when it happens. It's usually about girls. You'd think I'd forget it after a while if it made me feel that depressed but how I keep coming back to it. Not very rational at all. I don't really know what to do about it. I can't really find any chicks that I'm interested in. There are maybe like one or two people I would be interested in but it's not a real possibility right now. Oh well, I think it's time for some rest now. Til' next time...

[2/5/2002 2:58:14 PM | Shawn Conn]
After getting back from class I wanted to start my homework but then I realized I should probably take a break. I tried to go to some gaming news websites, but I really didn't get much from them. There isn't any good game websites out there anymore. A few ok ones, but that's about it. Actually I'm just looking for game website that news about the actual gaming industry which there aren't that many. There was a good magazine about the industry, Next Generation, but that like so many other gaming websites it is no more. I think I had a year left subscription, I wonder what's going to happen to that. Oh well, there's not much out there now. I tried to browse a few but the connection seems slow so I though I write a little on this before I actually get to more homwork

I wanted to find out how the hell am I so busy so went about calculating how much of my time is spent up. Keep in mind I'm trying to use conservative estimates.

For a 5 day week I have 5 x 24 = 120 hours.

Of those 120 I have:
120 - 8x5 = 80 hours that I'm actually awake. Of course this can change alot. There are some days where extends to 10 just because I don't feel like there's any reason to get up. Especially, on some day when I'm depressed.

Now I'll go through the week and see where my time is going.

I have 2 classes on Monday and Friday, because they're an hour apart I just stay out on campus because it's pointless to wase 30 minutes of travel(15 minutes here and bacl) to have a little less than 30 minutes free time. The classes are an hour and a hour and half so...
1/2(travel) + 1(dead time) + 1(class) + 3/2(class) = (15/4)*2(Monday and Friday) = 7 and 1/2 which I'll round to 8
80- 8= 72 Hours

On Tuesday I have a math class, followed by a lab then later on in the day a EE270 lecture:
3(math and lab + travel to and back) + 2( hour and half lecture with 30 min travel = 5
72-5= 67 Hours
Wed is a EE270 lab which can take 3 hours thanks to my notorious slow partner and an hour long class later in the day
1(travel to and back from classes) + 4(class time) = 5
67-5=62 Hours
Thursday is another 2 classes whose total time rounded is about 3 hours and travel time being 2 15min to and back trips
3+1= 4

62-4=58 Hours left

That's 58 hours, but that's not considering the homework needed to be done...

Diff Eq Homework with journal write up can easily take 3 hours each and there's 3 of them each week
58-3*3=49 Hours
Then there's the Diff Eq lab which take another 3 hours(last one I did though I wasn't finished after 3 hours but oh well)
49-3=46 Hours
Luckily there's only on Math453 home work a week but that usually take a bit longer becuse I have to recap more of what we talked about so about 4 hours
46-4=42 Hours
There's EE270 homework, it's optional but I want to do it because I want a screw me over buffer just because I'm probably going to suck on this test grade. It's about 3 hours
42-3=39 Hours

That leaves me with 39 Hours in the day. Of course this still isn't free time because I haven't considered CS Projects(I think I probably spent 20-24 hours total on that last one just because it takes a while to learn the "language" of the code generator), getting food, showering/getting ready/etc, studying for tests.

Knock off all of that and then you'll get my free time which I probably estimate is around 4-6 hours a day depending on whats due. With that said I'm going to use the rest of those hours playing a game of some sort now and then get to my homework after class.

'Til next time,

[2/5/2002 5:03:12 AM | Shawn Conn]

  I had my hopes for this week. I felt quite good getting some rest last night. I went to bed listening to the Clockwork Orange and Snatch soundtrack, real good stuff.

But guess what? It was a whole lotta bullshit down my way today.Woke up around 11am, I felt kinda of shitty. I think I might have caught whatever Alex has. It's not surprising though considering I live with him. After waking I had to do my Differential Equations homework, I think I missed a few of the problems. Don't care anymore though, I've given up trying to get the damn problems right. It takes too much time. I've noticed that I've been making all kinds of stupid mistakes on problems in any of my classes lately. I dunno if it's because I'm so busy or what.

After doing that I went to class. I droned out here and there, I dunno if it was because the apathy I was feeling the creeping sickness that Alex gave me. Maybe it was my nutty math proffessor. If the class wasn't so taxing I would probably really like it. He's pretty silly in class. He looks like a cross between Ben Mattiuz and Matt Spark if that makes any sense and he has really long hair. Braided, it goes down past his shirt. The way he talks reminds me of that silly guy you see on those infomericals selling his book about how you can get so much free shit from the government( The government gave 50,000 to go to college!!!). You know, the guy that looks like the riddler because he has all those ?s on his jacket. I think my proffessor deserves that jacket more than his stupid ass, on that note he'd probably make a good riddler too(Riddle me this Students!!!)

After that, I went to a computer lab to download info for the EE270(Digital Logic) Test. I studied the shit until compilers class and even afterward until 7pm when the test happened. As for the test, I think I failed or atleast did mediocre after a curve. I wasn't able to do 25% the exam because I missed the last class that covered that material. It wouldn't been so bad if I had time to study for the test, but you know where my weekend already went. So thanks to this workload, I probably killed my chance for a good grade. Maybe there will be a big curve, I dunno. It was one those bullshit we-dont'-execpt-you-to-finish-it-all tests. We had 1 hour to do the exam and I know that wasn't nearly enough time.

After that I went to the PC lab(again!!!) so I can finish the lab for Diff Eq by tommorow. I got most of it done. At least the parts that require MATLAB(Unfortunately, the version Alex has is out of date for doing what I need to do so I have to do to PC labs to do it.). It took another 3 hours to do that, and I don't know if I did it right. And keeping with my theme of apathy,I don't really care if I got it right. I still have more to do but I think I'm going to wake up early to finish it.

Oh yeah, did I mention the great meal I had today. That's I didn't because there was none. I had some Lasange(sp?) at Fazoli's today but that was hardly anything considering how small it was.

Once I got back, I found out my CS project 0 grade on the web: 10/100 *sigh* Because Purdue has almost effectively eliminated the human component out of grading we have test input run on it and if it spits out what it wants you get a good grade. I guess that's all they can do with a class this big but it's still bullshit. When I said Purdue has a better CS program than IU, I should of clarified. Purdue has better researchers, technology, etc. IU has better teachers, classes,etc. I think I learned alot more in those classes than I did here, but I digress. Anyway, now I have to see the stupid TA about it and find out why my shitty program choked on their shit. While I'm out roaming Purdue's ugly-ass campus I'm going to see my advisor to see if she has any words of wisdom about my strangly heavy 14-hour course load.

I was talking to Melissa yesterday about sex, masturbation, and such and realized that is just adding to these consant flurry of bullshit coming my way. Its been along time since I've gotten something from anyone and I was trying to figure out why. I can't really think of someone that I've meet this semester that I really feel like pursing. I dunno if it's because I haven't been looking or what. Even when I do find a chick that I'm interesting in I don't feel like I want to make all the effort to do something about it. It's a frustrating cycle.....and a depressing one too.

Man, I'm hunrgy...I wish I would got back eariler to get some food around here. Now I've gotta walk somewhere that accepts a credit card to get some food. I'm outie. Maybe my next post will be on happier things, but probably not.

[2/4/2002 1:04:21 AM | Shawn Conn]
*sigh* Well its Sunday and I pretty much did nothing over the weekend. Not because I didn't want to, but because I just couldn't. I spent the weekend working on my Scanner for my CS project. I guess I shouldn't have waited to a couple days until it was done, but I didn't really have much of a choice with all my other classes demanding so much. Suck, suck, suck. If anything good happened, I guess it was me finishing the 2nd to last part on MGS2. Now I'm at the last boss, who's just as much a bitch to kill. I hear you get some kinda special code if you get all the dog tags and finish the game. I'm almost there so I guess I'll find out pretty soon.

I've been eating alot lately, at least feels like it. I chalk it up to being so busy in my classes. Hopefully it doens't become a habit. My parents are probably going to bitch about the amount of money I spent this month. Oh well, I don't really care to hear. I'm so go damn tired of these classes, it doens't matter. That reminds me I need to get a hold of them for laundry money.

Well, that's about it....I'm not full of interesting commentary today. Bye Bye.

[2/1/2002 9:05:47 PM | Shawn Conn]
The semester is a 1/4 over, thank god. I'm hating every minute of it. Yesterday, after getting back from one class at 1130 I slept through the rest of the day. I finished all my work except my compilers project which I started and really have finished. Luckily it isnt' due until midnight on Sunday. Right now I'm in a computer lab waiting for my last class of the week. And what a shitty week it has been.

If there is any consolation in all of this, it looks like I might have a chance in Diff Eq to pass now. Not that I'm really all excited about it in the first place, but at least that's something.

Thinking about this week, I can't remember doing anything but homework and playing a little Metal Gear Solid. How depressing. It's no wonder I probably slept for like 16 hours yesterday. Everytime I got up I didn't feel like there was anything to be awake for so I just went back to sleep.

I don't really feel like I'm enjoying my learning experience this year. I learn stuff sure, but I feel like its not because I want to learn it. I just learn it because I'm doing so god damn much of it. I really dont like how my homework is either. Last few semesters, it would be like I had something big due every once in a while and maybe some small homework every day. Now it's just like every other day something big is due. Once I get done with some homework it's like, "ok now what do I have to do next." Once I get done with that, its the same thing over and over. I hate having no spare time. Well I have spare time but it seems like it just filler before I have to do more work. Like grab some food or something like that. It's not like I get to do anything I enjoy: people, games, or any of that. Once the weekend rolls around I'm just so sick of working I don't feel like I have any energy to do anything else.

Well enough for now, class is soon. Til next time.

[1/31/2002 8:01:34 AM | Shawn Conn]
Another break before more work...I just got finished with my EE270 homework and I'm probably going to my MA 453 pretty soon. It's due today.

I'm really starting to lose respect for liberal arts majors. I'm not saying that they are totally useless; there is much important stuff to be learned in them. But after comparing my work load to this semester and last semester I really feel that liberal arts do little to no work. There are exceptions of course but it seems to me that the work required for one class in liberal arts is only a tiny fraction of what I've had to do in my classes this semester. All I did was read pretty much read in my 2 philosphy courses last year and I got a B easily in both classes. Not only do I have to read and understand stuff in all my other courses, I have homeworks, labs, projects. All of this shit I have to do if I want to get a B in my classes.

There's alot of abstract thinking in liberal arts as opposed to the rigid thinking that's required in most science classes. It's certainly useful to think abstractly in many cases; we do it alot in computer science too. But abstract thinking is so easy compared to the rigid/logical thinking of science courses. If you don't like the methodology while thinking in abstract terms you can just make up a new way of doing. Piece of cake. You can't really do that in logical thinking, you have to analyze each step and why and how you got there. Once again, I'm not saying that abstract thinking is all liberal arts is( my Philosphy of Ethics course used alot of logical thinking) but a good portion of it is.

Oh well, that's why I'm in computer science/math. That's where the money is right?........right? Well, if I was going to get a major based on how much money I could make from it I would get a major in something like business management or something like that. Seems like you can make a whole lotta of money that way and just for telling people what to do. If there are any liberal arts majors reading this you can rest well knowing that my opinion of you is alot higher than that of someone with a business major.

Enough talk about school...it's so tiring.

I'm almost doen burning my MP3 collection again. It's alot better organized than the set I had before. Lately I've been using my portable MP3 player alot when I walk around campus. It's very nice to be able to carry a huge collection of music around with you in such a small space.

Hmm...topic. I've always gots lot to say but I never say it. I've been thinking about that lately. For example, looking at the amount of text I've posted since I started I could start a small book. But if you ever have a conversation with me, you'll know that I'm pretty short on words. One of the reason I find this is I think that I get out of breath easy or my heart is pulsing faster than I think it should and I try to calm myself. It's not that I don't have much to say, it's just sometimes talking takes a toll on my physical. It sounds silly, but its true. I've been thinking about ways to resovle this as it could help me out in alot of ways.

You know what's funny? The idea of being someone else. I'm willing to bet most everyone has done, we usually compare ourselves with other people. When we talking about being someone else, or being like someone else we usually say it terms of physical or characteristic attribute. We don't really think about the two being tied to one another, but they are. Who you are is determined by what you are. Not totally, but determines alot of inclinations toward certain personalities. Take the example I just said above about me for example.

Now the question is, if we could change that attribute about ourself for certain would we still be happy? Probably not, it seems like no matter who I've talked they have some thing about their personality that they have trouble with. There's always some doubt about who you are. If you changed one thing about yourself, you'd probably find something new to worry about. Atleast that's what I have felt for a while.

Well, that's about all the talk I've got for tonight. Discuss it amongst yourselves......

[1/30/2002 4:30:31 AM | Shawn Conn]

ƒVƒƒ�[ƒ“ ƒR�[ƒ“

Heh, that's sweet. I just realized that Blog will let you imput Japanese characters into it. Well, I guess it only works if you've downloaded the Japanese IME module for Internet Explorer. And it will only show up in your browser if it recognizes the double-byte characters. If it does, then you'll notice a bit of Japanese at the beginning of my post. If not, then it's probably just a bunch of random characters. Maybe I should write more posts in Japanese, I might get back to remembering more of it.

I've got so much work to do, I shouldn't be posting here. I should be getting to sleep and working on my prelab for tommorow. Fucking 730 labs. After lab I'm probably going to be working on Diff. Eq. homework til it's due at 2. Then after that work on my CS project or doing my Math 453 homework due on Thursday. Then after that working on my CS project more until it gets done. Then more Diff Eq. Homework, then a lab, then study for a test, then more homework. I've gotten to the point where I can't go back an check and recheck my homework until its the best because I simply just dont have enough time unless I want to spent my whole waking hours with homework. Did I mention I'm only taking 14 credits hours? Did I mention that's it's total bullshit.

I thought about how Compilers is only 3 credit hours and how it admits the PSO(For you non-Purdue people that's Practice, Study, Observation) is useless. It's 2 hours long and you don't even get credit for going to it (else the class would be 4-5 credit hours since you spend already 3 hours a week in the lecture). That just further reconfirms my suspicions that the PSOs are total bullshit. Maybe they would be useful, if the TA knew how to teach but they really do a shitty job of that. I'm better off just doing it myself and going to ask a question if I need it answered( coincidentally there's a thing called office hours for that). So with that said, I'm not wasting my time in a stupid PSO again.

*sigh* Did I mention I hate this semester? It doesn't make it any better I never getting to do much anything fun and exciting and I always feel lonely. Well, not always but I don't get to hand with people not nearly as much as before. The only time to do that is the weekend and it always seems like I'm tired or never in the mood for something.

Alex, that bastard, has went to a slayer concert in Indy...on a fucking Tues! Meanwhile I get to wake up early. Sometimes I feel like hurting someone.

I guess that's all I have valuable to say....I'll leave you with this if you're somewhat interester in videogames.

Obligated Rant about Video Games:

Metal Gear Immpossible 2 is what they should call it on Extreme mode. I've been killing most the day finishing up the game because I need a break from all my stress in my classes. I've been playing it on Extreme which I really shouldn't because it's just about as stressful as classes. Right now I'm stuck at one those inane "mash the button like crazy" challenge. I didn't have much of a problem with it before in this and other MGS, but on extreme its immpossible. I tried every method to push that damn button as fast as I can to no avail. I've read up an apparently some people have done it with varying methods but it hasn't worked for me. I was going to use an auto-fire controller but Ocelot said he would know(that's a little joke if you've played the first MGS). But really Alex's autofre controller is not in the room because I think he gave it to Kim-sensei so I think I'm screwed. The funny thing is once I would beat it I would unlock the last secret item in the game. You know what it is? A friggin' wig that gives you unlimited O2. There is only one fucking area where you have to go through water, and the part where it would be useful( being choked to death and you can't mash the button fast enough to breath).

[1/27/2002 8:37:41 PM | Shawn Conn]
I shouldn't post things when I'm drunk, they tend to make no sense. At least thats what I gathered from looking at my last entry. Friday night was pretty damn fun. We went to a Japanese restaurant and the food was damn good. It was quite expensive too, but I guess I'll hear about it from my parents soon. After that, we went to Craig's to drink 40's. I had fun for a while. We ended up going to alot of places. We ended up crashing some random person's party. I was there for all of an hour I think. I don't remember exactly. I soon got bored soon and left. It never seems like I have fun at parties anymore. It's been ages since I've been a happy drunk. Maybe I should just give up on drinking altogether.

Oh well. There's been little about this semester I've liked. And when I think about it, the only stuff I have like have only been momentary diversions before things seem all shitty again. I haven't enjoyed my classes, I haven't hung out with people that much this semster and when I have it seems like half the time I'm not enjoying it, and I really haven't enjoyed much of anything. The only shit I've done lately that I enjoyed was the various video games that I've played. Fucking a, I just don't have anything to look forward to I guess.

This day doesn't look like it has much anything in better in store either. So far its been wake up, look for some MP3s, shower, and probably eat and do homework. Fun...I get too bored with things too quickly. I wish I could forget more, maybe things wouldn't be so old and boring. But that's enough for now, time to eat. yay! (that's sarcasm)

[1/26/2002 7:22:30 AM | Shawn Conn]
Why rhyme all the time....I like the taste of lime. I talk too much. Just back in from a fun Friday night. Did alot of things, had some fun here and there. I could go through some of the details but its so much effort.I ended up back home sooner than I probably should have been but I was bored. Unfortunately, I find that happening too often in life. I like something alot, get burnt out on it, and it will be totally boring to me afterwards. I was at this party, I could of stayed and had some fun but it takes so long and I have go through so much shit, it didn't seem worth. It always seems like the same old thing. *sigh*

I'll get to this point that I had a while back when I had a conversation with James. I don't find myself a true people person or really charismatic, but there are times where I know what I have to do to acheive that. I just don't do it because of a handful of factors. Alot of times I chalk up to my non-interest in the situation. A while back, I came to the conclusion that the most charismatic of people have the least amount of memory retention. This could be due to a numerous number of factors which I don't feel like going into. Anyway, the idea is that people who have low memory retentsion find even the most repeated situations new and exciting. Of course this doesn't apply to all situations but there are alot of examples I could site. Because of this, they tend to enjoy what they do alot more and because of that people tend to enjoy their company alot more than people who aren't nearly as excited about situations. I could go on, but I could easily write a few pages about this and if I was going to do that I should be sober as I could probably more clearly form my thoughts.

Other things....Damn I write alot. I've been looking over the old stuff I wtote and all of it seems the sane. I always talk about the same stuff. It's depressing to read over the same stuff and still have the same problems. It's times like these when I feel like It wouldn't be any be any better if I was to cease to exit tommorow. I should go before this gets anymore depressing. Shawn outie,,,,

[1/24/2002 6:21:12 AM | Shawn Conn]
*yawn* so sleepy. I had to wait a few minutes for this last SBB movie to upload so I thought I would blog while I'm waiting for it to finish.

I had to wake up pretty early today, around 7 for EE270 lab. It took 2 hours to do. It probably shouldn't take that long but my lab partner is pretty slow. He likes to check and recheck alot, which I guess is to be expected because he's a EE major and wants to do well but I just want to get done and get the hell out of there. He has a slight russian accent so it's pretty funny to hear explain technically stuff. It reminds me of Dexter from Dexter's Labatory. I'm so tempted to say, "Do not step on my boots!" But anyway, I digress.

The majority of my day was spent working on math homework. Pretty uneventful. In between that I also started burning a new set of MP3 CD's that will be grouped than the last. Joy.

I've only ate one thing today, a sub at subway and even then I wasn't that hungry. I'm really losing my appetite again. I can't tell if it's because if I'm unhappy though. I don't feel unhappy.

In the evening, I finished up most my math work( I still have some of it due, but I think I'm going to do it in the morning) and started working on the SBB site. I finished up most the movies and posted a small tribute to Randy McComb after a suggestion by Newt. He was at one the SBB events and fought Ben Paine. As it turns out, he died a while ago from a motorcycle accident. I'm glad I posted something about him on the site. I didnt know him all that well but it's never good when some dies( especially when they still had much of their lives ahead of them).

I spent way too much time online thought. I was talking to Ted and alot of other people. I was brain storming with Ted about creating a website dedicated to his movies. I would love to do it, but alas the time is so little. I really wish it was worth my while, but I've got so much other things vying for my time. Oh well...

I've been so busy lately I haven't been really all that depresssed anymore. I keep dreaming about the same shit it seems every night, sex. I dunno why I've been so horny lately( lately is a relative term: I could probably extend "lately" to a few years if I wanted). It sucks ass though, I've already mentioned that feeling about waking up and realizing it was all dream. I hate that. I hate feeling that every other night. If I didn't have stuff to do, it would drive me insane....mmm (.)(.) it would be nice to play with some right now. But alas, work work work always to be done. No fun for Shawn. Now is the time I start tommorow which is already today, in my dreams....

Be well everyone....

[1/22/2002 1:19:13 AM | Shawn Conn]
Well it's Monday and I have alot of work to do again. I'm about to get started on it, but first I've still got lots to do. I'm trying to upload more SBB movies. It's going pretty fast right now, but I think all my other connections are crapping out. AIM won't connect, I can't log into Yahoo Groups to post a message about the new movies to the mailling list, and websites are being a bitch to connect to. Oh well, I guess it's a tradeoff.

Yesterday was throughly unexciting, not that I was expected it to be, but it would of been nice if something did happen. I sat around most the day just staring off into space. I think I worked on the website for a little bit and uploaded some movies. My sister called and came over later in the day. Apparently she came up to Purdue with her friends to party and stuff. Remember when I talked about how I tend to eat less when I'm unhappy? She commented on how I looked like I lost weight. Hmm, I didn't look like I did to me but I guess I don't really notice much. I haven't really been eating all that much. Once a day. That's about it. I dont think I ate anything on Saturday though, but I can't remember.

I didn't do much of anything today. Backed up the SBB movies, sat around alot,and I started to play Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake after finishing the MSX version of Metal Gear. I had always been a big fan of the Metal Gear Series when they came to the NES back in the day. And when the Metal Gear Solid for the PSX came out, I got it the first day. A few months ago I played throught MGS2: Sons of Liberty and with the exception of the very disappointing ending I enjoyed it very much.

So after playing through all of that I wanted to go play the old school games again. More specifically, I wanted to see what I missed. You see the 2 games we(we as in the United States) got the shit versions of the first 2 Metal Gear games. Metal Gear for the NES, while having better music IMO, had alot of stuff taken out of from the MSX version. While they added some cool stuff(the jungle backdrop that the NES version is arguable better than the MSX version which automatically places you in the fortresses), they took alot of the challenge out of the game. Unless you count that inane jungle maze part(think those repeating screens in Zelda for the NES which you had go in a certain direction to get out of) which the game doesn't even tell you how to get through. Also, they left out friggin' Metal Gear in the NES. In the NES version you just destroyed the "Supercomputer" which controlled Metal Gear while in the original you actually had to blow it up.

The 2nd game we got wasn't even technically part of the series as far as story line goes any way. Snake's Revenge was a pretty watered down version of a Metal Gear game. It wasn't that bad, but after playing through almost all of Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake you can definately see we got screwed. There's so much they added in MG2 as opposed to Snake's Revenge it's rediculous. Oh course playing now in 2002 it seems like a joke, but for back in the day (1990) I woulda been pretty impressed with the game. I still am. It's pretty funny to see how much of the game that was carried over to MGS. Despite all the advanced in computer technology over the past 12 years , the gameplay is still essentially the same thing. There are more flesh out details now, but they all still share the same game component.

Well enough talking about video games. I could easily go on for hours, but I've got other things to do. 'Til next time, this is the Man With the Name that Rhymes signing off.................

Well, the update of the SBB site is almost complete. All that remains is to upload the remaining files, which is what is happening right now. I thought I was going to wake in a better mood today but it feels worse. Luckily keeping busy with the website has prevented me from feeling REALLY bad but I still feel pretty shity.

I don't get lonely often, but when I do I feel it pretty damn bad. I'm serious depression stuff bad. Luckily it isn't that bad, but I'm not in a good mood like I should be.It seems like I always do this I find someone really special to me but they never really feel the same way I do then I get all depressed. *sigh* I dunno what to do. I do my best to avoid feeling this at all costs because it just tears me apart and I don't know how to handle it. I didn't mention it at the time, but one of the reason I didn't go to the new's years festivities this year is because I didn't wanted hang out with a bunch of couples. That's not to say that every one there was a couple, that's far from the truth. But I dunno, when I walked into Denny's to meet up with people to go to the party its like all but 3 or 4 people were paired off. It made me sick. I was already far from the party spirit to begin with and this about crushed it. I think it was best that I went home. It's in the past now, but I stick by my desicion to do nothing.

Speaking of nothing, that's pretty much what I didn't tonight. With the exception of the website, I haven't really done much of anything. I had a chance to go out with Alex and Kevin to a Japanese restaurant but I really didn't have that kind of money to spend. Besides, I was feeling too down to be with people. It wouldn't of helped much.

I've noticed something, my weight tends to be a indicator of my happiness. It seems the less happy I get the less I tend to eat. I dunno why, I just lose my appetite when I have things on my mind. With that said I haven't eaten anything all day, which explains why I'm almost out of energy here.

*sigh* The connection keeps crapping out every movie I upload. This is getting annoying...

I hate RESNET laggy connections

I wrote a little haiku about it a while back:

I yell at the screen
The lag is worse than ever
Resnet sucks big ass

One final topic before I shake on out of here to rest. I've been thinking alot about how make friends lately. Compared with most the friends I know, it seems like I've made
the least new friends. I don't like the idea of it, just because it doesn't take much to make me feel lonely. I thought about it for a while and I came to a conclusion. In my ethics class we discusses the 3 types of friendships that Aristotle thought to exist. Friendships of utility, pleasure, and character. The trait asssociated with them would be friendships based on mutual usefulness(Utility), mutual pleasurable experience gained(Pleasure), and love of person's characteristic traits(Character). I think I've realized more often than not I only strive for what Aristotle calls true friendship that of character. Of course he also notes that one can only have so many of these types of friends as it would be immpossible to try to learn who every one is. I think that's where my problem lies. I strive for something that just isnt' possible. I guess it's a fact of life that I need the other 2 types of friendships in life, it's just that they seem so shallow and empty that I refuse to accept that somehow. I've also noticed that I tend to get my types of friendships mixed. That is I think that its one type of frienship when all along it was another. *sigh* *sigh* I try I try but yet *sigh*

I think this is a good stopping point, I'm getting real sleepy so I won't have to think about this stuff pretty soon. Hopefully my dreams won't taunt me again....

Til Next time,

[1/19/2002 6:04:21 PM | Shawn Conn]
Just finished FFX today, what a spectactular game it's definately the best FF game since VII or VI. With out any video games that I feel an urgency to play maybe I'll get more work done. I've wanting to get more PS2 games(Tekken 4 is down the road, WipeOut Fusion, GTA3, handful of other things) but there's always that money issue. Oh well, I still haven't finished going through the emulated version of MG and MG2(the one that wasn't ported to any system over here) maybe I'll play one of those.

Aside from that, not much else is going on. I finished my CS project in time a few hours before it was due and it worked perfectly as far as I could tell. I stayed up all last night doing it, I ended up falling asleep around 7-8ish I think and didn't wake up until around 4. When I woke up, Alex was playing Diablo 2 and had eaten all the pizza that ordered eariler. Apparently he went out drinking or something. I should of went, damn sleep cycle...At least the only thing that I really need to get done now is my 2 Diff Eq labs, and I'll start those on Sunday. I need to get a copy of MATLAB though so I don't have to go the PUCC labs to do my work.

The agenda right this moment however is updating SBB, right now I'm downloading the movies off the server to double check everythings on the up and up. After I do that, I'm going to start digitizing the footage that I have left and post it up. Then, who knows what...

[1/18/2002 4:35:04 PM | Shawn Conn]
Looks like the break I took helped in the long run after all. I've managed to catch up on most of my work and I'll probably catch ahead after this 3 day weekend break. I just finished my homework not too long ago and re-re-registered for classes. So everythings up on the up and up. Also, I just got an email from the server admin dude, Ernie, for the SBB movies server. Everything is go for the update on the SBB webpage I'll do this weekend. Hopefully, FF X and Tekken won't distract me too much. Well I guess I'd better get to finishing up my Diff Eq. homework, til next time...

[1/16/2002 9:43:47 PM | Shawn Conn]

This semester gets more shitty with each passing day. I found out my classes were canceled, again. I'm starting to get sick of shit that happens. Actually it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have so much god damn work. I only have 14 credit hours and yet I'm doing alot more work than I had last semester. I've been up since 3 am and I've been doing work since then. I just now took a break to get some food, write this, and then sleep. I couldn't get an answer solved so I'm taking a metaphorically bath that Sol talks about in PI.

Every time I get done with something it seems like there's more shit to do. It's making me so unhappy and angry. I went to my first EE270 lab today. Fortunately it wasn't too hard, but took a while to set up. It was midly entertaining. When I got back I just got started on my CS work. I think its about half way done, thought I can't really test it so it makes things frustrating.

When I went to my Diff Eq. class today the proffesor asked us how long it took to do the homework. The average for the class was 3-4hours. His reply: "Uhh. that's too long." I wanted to punch his face in. Other than the silly demands he makes for the class, he's a very good teacher even if he is a little odd. He thinks it takes too long to hand back the homework, his solution: lay all the homework on the floor so we can see them all and pick our own copies. I was going to ask him to sign my add class list sheet that I have to get every proffessor to sign now since my registration has been dropped again but I left it on my desk with my CS work. Fuck a duck.

Hopefully I'll have it delt with by Friday, but who knows. I got a 2/3 on most my homeworks, which is a pretty shitty average. I'm not really surprised though. Usually I go back through my work and double check it, but since it's been taking so much of my time I really haven't had the time too. I don't care what grades I get I just want it done. I can't believe I only have 14 credit hours, that's bullshit. 3 credit hours for compilers is totally bullshit, the rest are adequately timed but that 3 hours just pisses me off. You just don't know how much work I have to do in that damn class...

Oh well, I think I've had my fill of complaining. This is getting me no where anyway. Now I rest and hope for a slightly less worse tommorow.

[1/15/2002 11:29:42 AM | Shawn Conn]
Well here it is 6 o' clock again and I up. I think I've told fucked my sleep cycle over. I was doing math homework since around 2 after getting back to Steak n' Shake. I sat there at Steak n' Shake and argued with Alex forever about you gain some much more knowledge from books than from TV(or an audio visual presentation if you want to generalize). It was a pointless argument though, because I was never going to get him to agree with me. Once I inadvertently got him to concede that an average book contains more information than the average education program(by me asking the question "why don't they move text book to audio visual format?" and him replying "It's stupid because it would take up way too much space") I considered it my vindication and we left Steak n' Shake.I think he was just trying to justify he laziness about reading which he would never say. Alex is so stubborn sometimes.

I read a few minutes ago that Newt was going to stop eating meat. I thought that pretty funny. I'm not surprised really, but I figured he tried to take indulgance in at least once type vice(if you really want to call eating meat that). If anyone should stopping eating meat, I should. I thought my on-and-off-again nose bleeding was gone, but happened again a few minutes ago. When it happened at Steve's house a week ago, his mom asked me if I was one of Steve's veggie friends. I replied no and she told me I should be, and went on about how I should get my blood pressure checked. I know it's real threat to me seeing how heart problems run deep into the male side of the Conn family, but there's so much else to worry about.

Classes are getting me stressed. I only have 14 credit hours but it seems like there's always a ton of reading and homework. I don't mind it so much but it sometimes spans more than one section in my math book. I like to take things one section at a time but it feels like we're so rushed in class. I guess I should get used to this, all the rest of my courses are going to be 300,400,500 level courses. At least it keeps me busy though, if I had nothing to do I would sit around and starting to feel lonely again and comparatively loneliness is a worse feeling than stress for me. I can relieve Stress with out doing much of anything, loneliness is a little more difficult to cure.

I think I'll go play some FF X before clases start @ 10:30

Be Well,

[1/14/2002 11:36:35 PM | Shawn Conn]
Just when you think you hit the peak of your ability, that is when you'll always get surprised by how far there is always to go. I think I've reached a new level of Tekken mastery.That is beating the computer on Ultra Hard. When I think of it, beating the computer isn't that hard but when you can define a new level which you've never done before(which is to say finish the game on Ultra Hard) you've known you've gotten better. And to top that I beat it while half asleep( yeah I didn't get much sleep last night). It's just occured to me that it has only taken me 3/4 a year to become this good. There has been a whole evolution of my skill an ability:

Apr 01'-May01'
Got the PS2 and picked up the game as it was pretty and fun to play. The first month consisted of me unlocking most of the shit and wrestling with the controls to see how they work. Along the way I tend to learn Heihachi and Brian pretty well. Only learned a handle full of moves and still couldn't grab all that well. Played alot of Tekken Bowl, never got a perfect score.(Played Easy, Normal usually)

May '01-Jun '01
Summer starts and my lack of caring of job opportunities leads to alot spent playing Tekken. I start learning more and more characters now (Xiaoyu, Yoshimitsu, Jin were some of the first). Work on my grab skills someone. Learn my first 10-hit which is so easy to pull off. By now I've learned how most the moves are standardized so I can try moves with out even know they are moves (Played Normal mostly)

Jul-Aug 01
After many nights of multiplayer at my house I learn common stratigies employed by various players. Learned the art of know what to do when knocked down, Can grab with out much effort,learned how to recognize button presses for moves by watching the character and seeing what limb they used. All these lead to a greater focusing on learning more characters and the recognizing certain classes of moves(counters, popup, stuns, etc.) Start to discover juggles. (Played Hard and sometimes Very Hard)

Sept-Nov 01
With the new year of classes I have much free time to kill with Tekken. By now I've learned about more than 3/4 the characters. I can block and do moves with out even thinking about what I'm pressing. I use popups and tagouts frequently to practice my juggle skills. I discover parries and sidesteps and use them where I can. By the time the semester is half over I've pretty have an idea how I play as most characters. I've refined my Eddy skills to a Psuedo-Button Mashing style. Also I started learning grab chains. At some point around the semester I get a record of 2minutes on time attack and 68 wins on survivor. Tekken 4 comes out and I play a little of that( Played Very Hard all the time.)

Over the break I further refine my knowledge of playing people by playing alot of Tekken 4 at the arcade. It takes a while to wrestle with playing with a stick, but I'm getting used to it. I've learned pretty much most the in's and out's of most of my favorite characters. I can hostly say I'm pretty damn good with all but 4 characters(the Changs, Hworarang, and King). I play Tetsujin and Unknown frequently to keep up with all the characters. I can now hold my own against good people in the arcade.

So we reach now. At this point I think I've learned the damn game pretty well. The only problem is that I tend to take it too seriously some times. It is just game after all. I've come to that realization and I don't really get mad at something I do in the game that annoys me. But still sometimes when I play with people, I tend to over analyze instead of just having fun with it. Oh well I'm still having lots of fun with Tekken.

Beating Ultra Hard today I had put me on a new plateau of skill. While I was trouncing the computer, I felt like Neo in the Matrix. I saw the attacks comming at me before the computer even performed them. I was like *dazed stupor*...."...No..." and just halted any chance the CPU had at winning. One of the things I noticed while playing the computer today is that I can also slow down the rate at which the moves come at me. Well not actually slow it down but slow down the preceived speed of the moves. All I have to do get myself pumped up enough and it really feels like I have alot more reaction time to block, parry, counter or whatever.

Well I think I should stop here, I'm starting to get on the level of absurdity of those people who count the number of frames it takes to perform certain moves in Tekken. I should probably finish FFX and get back to school work instead of gloating about my Tekken skills.

I thought how funny it would be if I created a Tekken school to teach people the art of Tekken. A month or so ago Steve asked me if I could train him in Tekken, he was pretty serious about it(well not that serious but the request was genuine). I was thinking about that and I thought how could it would be to become a Tekken Guru who headed his own school or something. I could make people go through inane practice and warm abilities and when they complain I would hit them with a stick and spout some Zen philosphy bullshit about becoming one with the controller and finding one's innner Tekken. But hey if anyone is willing to learn, I'm willing to teach....

With that note, now is the time for rest.

[1/14/2002 10:36:15 AM | Shawn Conn]
Hmm, lets see how this going to work out this is my first post or whatever. I dunno why I signed up for this in the first place. Maybe it's nostalgia. Back in the day, when I first got my computer I wrote...ALOT. After awhile though, things got old and I found other ways to kill my time. Maybe I'll try to go back to writing alot. Maybe it will place things in context, ya?

Topic#1: Working Conn
Well I just undated the HTML that needed to be updated for the SBB site. When I finished doing that, I was going to work on reorganizing the movies but then I realized that I didn't have the info for the dude's server. So I emailed him and hope to send the update soon. Another reason I wanted to start a blogger is that while I was going back through the old SBB news I realized that alot the posts sounded like me complaining so I thought I would place it where it should be, here.

Topic#2: Thinking Shawn
It took forever to get my homework done today. My two math courses are very demanding notice that I'm posting this at 5am. I've only spent about an hour doing stuff on the computer. The beginning of this semester has been pretty shitty and looks to be more of the same. It's not the work I mind so much, I like being challenged, but I guess the problem is I dunno what its all for. Sure, get a degree, get a fat-paid job, but it's not all well and good if you're not happy. Right? I sat in bed until around 6pm on Saturday wondering why I should get outta bed. I hadn't eaten anything the day before so I was hungry, instead of getting food I just gathered my energy by sleeping when I got back to my room on Friday. I ended up missing a party that Friday Alex and a few other people went to. I really wasn't all that concerned about going to it but it woulda been nice to go to.

So now I sit here in the bed wondering why to get up. I soon forgot about it and went back to sleep again. From what I remember there some pretty interesting dreams: it had adventure, excitiment, people, love, and I think sex. The only problem was I don't remember a damn thing that happened. It's not really surprising now that I think about it, I usually forget dreams with love and/or sex in them because when I wake up the feeling that I knew it all was fake glares out among my fragments of memory remaining about the dream. It's funny how that works, I'm always reminded of the movie Momento when that happens. You don't really use your brain in the same way you do when your asleep so you probably aren't using your hippocampus( the part of the brain that allows us to create memories) in the first place. Any rememberance of a dream is stored in your short-term memory when you awake. If you don't mentally make an effort to remember, the memories are gone forever. That's how it is for most my dreams, with the exceptions of the ones I write about.

Topic#3: Here and Now

So now I sit here and wonder why I'm not tired. It doesn't take long before a short recall explains that I had slept the prior day away and I that it would be a while before I was tired again. But this could not be. I had to go to sleep and soon. For soon( like 6 hours soon), I would be in a lab trying to catch up in my compilers course. I thought to my self: "what could I do?" How could I change the course of events? Then I remembered the good ol' Nyquil bottle in my desk drawer stored there so long ago. It was then I thought about the days when I drank too much NyQuil in the past. It stirred bad memories in my head...It was then I remember that there was no or little bottle NyQuil left because I drank it all. Too bad. Looking in my desk drawer I had reconfirmed my suspicions. I was now left in a void. Not the kind that you designate with a big red stamp, but rather the undescriable kind. Which if you think about it, should be the only kind because the word void it self is the essence of nothing. But what is the essence of nothing? If there's always something around us: something, someone, somehow, someway,some....stuff! What could I do? How could it be described? The answer: nothing.

It was then I realized that words could have more then one meaning. Danger was averted...for now.

Anyway the end is near and I must leave. Maybe there will be more to come, maybe not. Who I am now won't be who I am tommorow. It will only be a facsimile, copy, derivative work of what was me. But maybe that's not a bad thing...who knows.

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